If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Monday, November 30, 2009


Whenever I paint, I felt this uneasy feelings. It feels like I am forcing myself to do something that is not me. I can't give birth to art with painting, I just can't make it live. It is a very different feeling, it is like painting my life with the color gray. Painting is just not me.
Unsatisfied, everytime.
I am confused between hopes and desires. What I want in life exactly? I couldn't answer it. I hate this part right here.

Dulu duniaku hilang warna, sekarang ia hilang arah.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Day passes swiftly without any mercy. Without waiting. Burden by burden lifted, another step towards the darker side of life. The darkside which dependable on us to brighten it.
I like finish papers early and hanging out by the open hall. Those smiles, those laughter. Will I see or beheard it again. Will there be people like Asslam in the next phase, will there be 'pending' ,'busuuk' or 'chillah bro' echoing through the corridor. Will I see those smiles again, will we meet each other again? Those bright green clothes that you wear, will the green last or will it fade to gray...
Around 3 or 4 papers, then we will bid farewell. Imagine when we step out of the school on the last day. Thoughts will start roam in your mind and tell you that you will never set foot here again. Not anymore.
A long sigh and it is the end. Just like that.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


"Lelaki ini pandangannya dari luar ke dalam. Maknanya dari muka, bentuk badan, ukuran dada dan lentikan pinggul, kemudian baru lah kedalam hati. Jadi untuk mereka masuk kedalam hati perempuan tu perkara yang terlebih susah. Kerana sebelum masuk kedalam perlu lalu luaran. Berbeza dengan wanita yang dari dalam kemudian baru keluar.

Sebab itu ibu-ibu senang memujuk anak mereka, berbanding bapa-bapa yang hanya tau pujuk dengan belikan permainan.

Magic kan?"

I pick this up from one of my favorite blog.

Next topic, I couldn't help but to notice on the Yahoo news that Iceberg floats. We were the one's who did this. Why blame 2012, if this continues, it might be earlier than we expected.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Each day, each burden is lifted but that is not all. Each day passes, the more you feel scared. Not only about the results or not getting ready for exams but the future. The adulthood, the real cruel world they say. Are you ready for that, come to think that the last paper will mark our freedom. No... The last paper play the role as the key to the next level. Just like video games, the level gets hard and harder.
Does freedom even exist? Define freedom?
We are never be free. We always wanting that key to freedom but no, we only have the key to more powerful problems. Where is the key to freedom anyway? All our lives will be chased by that problems. We can run from it, but it just keep getting back.
Money, status... all the adults always on the search for that.
When we hand over the last papers, we hand over our freedom. The freedom that we always on the look for... it is right in front of our eyes. Our time here, our golden age is the so called freedom. Those papers, reflecting either the darker side of the future or vice versa.

" What is it that you look so bright in that reflection?
Is it the future or is it the past that shines...?"

Saturday, November 21, 2009


The 100% GEMPAK STARZ '09 was damn awesome. Went there without any intention hence the camera phone. After experiencing a pinch of this event, blame SPM... I am so anticipating The Comic Fiesta. Now I know the potential of the Malaysian comic industries. They also sell cheap graphic novels. I bought 7.
Speaking of buying, I also bought Fatal Frame 2, since I love the Fatal frame series so what the heck. I can't wait for to play it after SPM. For better quality pictures of the event, click here.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Jarum jam menandakan lebih kurang sepuluh minit sebelum pukul dua belas malam. Aku, seperti biasa melakukan sedikit ulang kaji untuk mata pelajaran yang bakal kududuki di dewan nanti. Hari sudah lewat malam, mataku semakin lama semakin layu memandang tepat ke arah bantal yang empuk seolah-olah memanggilku untuk memeluknya. Perkataan didalam buku seakan menari dengan nada tarian yang mengutuk. Aku tahu apa yang kubaca sekarang ini hampir mustahil untuk diterima otak yang kepenatan. Tetapi sanubari enggan mendengar kata-kata kesat yang dilemparkan oleh minda dan aku masih terus berjuang. Lantas, aku menekan punat di komputer ribaku yang berdekatan. Aku tidak dapat menahan lagi mendengar jeritan minda yang melunturkan keadaan. Dengan pantas, jari-jemariku menari-nari menekan papan kekunci. Mataku tidak lepas melihat skrin yang berwarna-warni. Dengan azam yang mencecah langit. Akhirnya aku berpuas hati, siap juga post untuk hari ini.

Thursday, November 19, 2009



The nervous breakdown or the hypertension had already fade off. You have seen familiar faces and have adapt through. Except when you take a certain paper, you start to imagine the future. How would it be if you fail this. What will you work as, what will your cousin think of you. Things can get really hard, and the pressure rises so fast that it make your head feel dizzy and you start to vomit. I may be exaggerating but hey, this is SPM. The turning point.
Sometimes there are questions like, " Is this it?" clouding in your head. When things get easy you either gain too much confidence or lose it. It is either way. Sometimes thing doesn't feel right. Maybe because we expect so much. Another thing is when you start to regret for not studying, You felt like you know this answer somewhere scenario. Thats what I'm talking about.
Sometimes we get too over confident that the paper sometimes trick us.
History was damn hard for me, serve me right I think. When I took the test, I felt like I was being interviewed by bosses. I explain to them why I didn't do well on History paper. Funny, many relevant reasons popping out of my head. The more paper you take, the more you realize the importance of SPM and the burden it carries. SPM is not only about what university you will get but about your job. About how much income you will make, what car you will drive. Each subject done, each burden lifted. So if you can't beat the papers, get even with it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009



There are two alarm clocks ready on duty to wake me up. The first one succeed. Everything goes as planned. It was like usual, nothing much, it doesn't feel like SPM. Just another ordinary day... well until you realize it. I've packed the things that I need yesterday so today I'm all geared up for the exam of my life. Breakfast was special today, it is necessary off course. Sitting outside waiting for the carpool. The more I wait the more nervous I felt. And it goes on and when we arrive at school, it amplifies.

Everyone was nervous as well, glad I'm not alone. There are people crying... It was like PMR but a little more suspense. Then we went up to the exam hall. I was in front, second row. It was breathtaking... my heart beats rapidly.
After a moment, the paper sheet was handed out. It was Nerve-wrecking. At that moment I couldn't tell which one's real. I was shocked that it all happen too quickly, " This is it, the real thing." I said. It was right in front of me, provoking me with it's smirk.
When the head examiner told us to start, I couldn't get my hand to move. I was blocked out of any ideas. But I prevail and continue on my essays. The more I write the more confident I get. I got a feeling that god is with me. The nervous feeling fade away like adrenaline. I kept repeating, " Don't fail this... this is it... this is your life... don't regret." The test is over and I made it in the nick of time.
We went out for a break, like usual your friends will ask about your condition. "O.K" that is all I could answer. Honestly I wasn't fully prepared, especially history. But I have done my best I suppose. Around 9 days of hell, the survival of the fittest.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


" Gentlemen, hoist the colors."

This is it, it finally came. The finale of our teenhood, the final fight, the last war. Our work for 5 years will be put on papers. The reason why we went to school. The turning point of our lives. Smell that?
That's the smell of victory..

Monday, November 16, 2009


"Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on."

" Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime."

" We'll stay forever this way, you are safe in my heart go on and on."

" One true time I hold on to, in my life we'll always go on."

Such experience does it, like usual I couldn't study. After long hours of sentimentality, It already brought much impact to me. I couldn't believe it is the end, direct from the SAL room straight to the assembly hall. The speeches, the anthems. We missed the Fourian's clap. I was so close to tears when we sang the anthem. Looking at all the teachers directly in front of me. Fleetingly our lives runs too fast. It was like yesterday when we register into this school. I couldn't imagine a better teenage life like this one. I'm glad I didn't go to SBP's, because here lives my greatest moments in life and I couldn't wish it any other way... I just can't believe, we were so small back then, now all grown up. Preparing to take our own paths. I do wish for a time machine, so we could relive these moments just the way it is. Savour it slowly and breath thoroughly.
It rains almost all day, sitting in my room looking for past videos and photos. Really, I felt really sad at that moment. Then staring at the window,

" Why must good things come to an end."

" All that is well ends well."

Remember when the drama competition ended, everyone feels so empty. Hoping for more. I'm sure it will repeat. All the things that happen in the school, stays in the school. I am proud to become a full pledged Fourians. Really proud...

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Yesterday was RIMUP, it's pretty awesome. At the end of the day, we share dark secrets, and our own weaknesses. It's good to share and giving opinions at that time. It was perfect because we will never see each other again. By listening to other opinions, we have known our weaknesses and try to improve it so there should be less when we enter the adulthood.
It is still hard and I don't quite understand the term of, " Thinking something that I shouldn't think off."
They also said that I am soft. Pondan... really?
But it's okay, I have PLKN to harden things up.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Today we got to know our seat in the exam hall. I got second row from the front, damn, it sucks. I don't like it at all. But what can we do. Today was also a sentimental day, yup it is sad. We do crazy stuff and take pictures, have a great laugh and still it is sad.
Later on, I saw Haya in front of the classroom, I was curious on what she's looking at. When I came and look, there's no one in the room. She was staring at a blank space........
a blank space that is filled with memories..

" Kita tak jumpa lagi dah kelas ni."

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Fuck! They cut down my fucking tree!
Fucking humans!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


" One of the saddest things about history, is how much it has repeated itself. "

Everyone became emo lately. Just yesterday, it was a tearfest. People crying everywhere, and today people get all moody.
Today we talk about time machines, what to do if you have one. Everyone have their point of view. People do want to go to the past, but one change could destroy. This proves that people make mistakes and wanted to repair it. Or simply to experience one of those moments that we yearn to forget. I do want to go back, to change the mistake that have killed me inside.
All people make mistake, all people have problems. And it will follow you to death if you don't do anything about it.
What interesting is that today, we have given the opportunity to pressure and motivate a kid which are having trouble with a subject and intend to drop it. We overawe him with many speeches, many quotes combined with our point of view. His face, I can see that type of troublesome expression. The expression which doubts and weakness trying to conquer. I have that expression so very often. I know it's hard, even 20 people supporting you. Still, it is hard.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


" We tend to realize the true value of things, when it is no longer there. "

Yesterday we talked about the future, and today we talked about the past. It feels like yesterday when I first register myself in form 1 at this school. The past is intriguing, we have experienced so many things in our school. It's true when they say, school prepares you for the real world.
I've learned not to easily trust anyone, and by that I have experienced it first hand. I've also learned that anything could go wrong, even the smallest matter could turn horribly huge. Like they say, small leak sunk big ships. I've also learned to treasure things, even it is the most less important thing in our life.

The school days are ending, in about 1 month, we will not see the sight of this school anymore. No more prefect duty, no more corridor meeting, no more dirty canteen foods, no need to hear mumblings, no need to cut your hair when it grows long, no more warm good morning greetings, no more stairs, no more fussing with the toilet cleaners, no more assembly, no need to sing the school anthem, no need to follow the vows, no need to carry heavy books, no more groupings, no more familiar faces, and probably no more school laughs. You name it.

I'm gonna miss everything in this school, I will miss it, we all will miss it. Even such silly things from the school pavement to the vandalized table in our class.
Just like that, it just ends.

Don't tell me, you don't miss this.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Today we have a discussion on the History subject. Bella and Mathee bailed out because of exhaustion. Since the exam is one week away, we try to complete the topics in all that we could. Nomad, we change place from computer lab, to the lobby to the Hall to the marble corridor and back to the hall. We continued our lesson as planned. With the rain pouring down and students playing around. It look so subtle and calm. All are in sync.
Our mind can no longer fill up so we decided to stop and just hanging out. We talked about the future, about marriage, our good times here, our golden moments and most of the things related to it. We took pictures and have a good laugh about it. With the rain that calms, comes a cruel reminder that we will depart from this facility.
Sad, some were close to tears when the teacher told us about the future.
I ended walking in the rain. It washes all my problems for a moment. I walk back home in the gentle rain, with water soaking up the shoes and try to capture most of my time in this familiar road. Our experience here is volatile, adding more as we continue to walk.
On the way back I met Fendy, he told me how much he had work hard compared to people who doesn't but still achieving the same old result. He told me it would be better if he had not studied and just hang out, what does it matter if we get the same result.
Life isn't fair, it's up to us to make it fair. What we give, we'll get back.
Thinking about our conversation before. The future is scary, but it drastically turns beautiful when we talk about how great it is. It's still unperfect but still it is great. Although things may not go as planned but it's still great. And when everything is destroyed, it is still great.
At times like this, especially when it rains. This are the moment where you breathe all in and as long as you can. Savour the moments. Because you can't breathe like this often.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


" Are you ready for the upcoming exam? Just a week ahead you know."

She said it, like that. In a form of question. I can't answer that, apart of me is ready, and apart of me doesn't. Hard to explain. So many questions rumbling in my mind, and it's not even a link with the exam. Questions about life, about how it will turn out, what if it doesn't turn out like the way it should. Or it turn out like we planned but fall apart afterwards.
Do you know Atlas? From the Greek mythology. Yeah, have you seen him, drawings or statues of him? I'm carrying something on my shoulders too, but I'm not sure what it is.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


You know those Fairy tale stories, most of them that Disney make ? With all the musicals and stuff. A lot of singing. These stories are interesting, the contains many ethical values, many important morals, and a little lesson about life. These stories teach kids not to lie (pinocchio),
Not to easily trust anyone (red riding hood), and much more. In these stories there are heroes and villains. Heroes off course face off many difficulties, and this is showing kids to be brave and villains mashing the heroes with all kinds of trick. This shows hard work does it?
Like the live action fairy tale, Enchanted. They showed us that happiness lies when you believe in one. Things can go well from bad to better. Like most fairy tale, villains turn good or be defeated and they all achieve the famous...
"Happy ever after"

Friday, November 6, 2009


It's Friday, and it is so not my time to study. Maybe a little recreational activities such as surfing the widest sea on the planet. The internet. While sitting eating street burgers and a glass of coconut drink sure hit the spot. I've found a great japanese TV show, favorite it.

I'm guessin those people who wore glasses that they invited and explain things are probably an expert or some sort of a witch doctor.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


" Bila lagi kau nak jumpa kawan macam aku ni."

Yeah, she's right.
Today we had fun learning history, Acropolis, Agora, Pompei. I still remember it, the expressions that we make. Like history, these moments are also worth to be treasured and remembered.

Right now my mind is filled with all sort of things. Doubts, choices, dreams everything scrambled together.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


The exam hall is directly in front of our class. It is supposed to give us motivation or at least a little bit of fear to make us study. But looking at it, seems it doesn't give a damn thing back. Not even fear of failing our lives. A friend of mine said that SPM is like the 'Titian Sirat', you know, the path which built with a string of hair and divided by seven. The road to hell or heaven. Yeah, he told me it was like that. I believe so... I've met many people around all ages. They all have the same perspective and the same experience.

" I regret for not studying hard enough."
" My life is dying because I didn't do well."
" The test of life, your grade determines wether you have a bright future or otherwise."
" Don't be like me, you are still young. Don't repeat my mistake."
" SPM sucks so bad, but it will suck even more when you flunk it.''
" I have to retake the test, not because I want to look smart and have good grades on my certificate. But to regain happiness. "
" SPM is your weather, either you want it to be smooth sailing or a stormy side."
" If only I have studied harder, life would have been better. Think of it.. "

Why oh why, I feel so uneasy and at the same time felt relaxed like nothing's gonna happen. Some are stressed out, some are ready, some only hope for the best, some still struggling.
I still wonder about the future, jobs are jobs, dreams are dreams. They can break they can fall apart.

" Don't make your dreams your master"
- rudyard-

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


She sat there beside me for no certain reason, I can see uneasy expression on her face. I don't know her, I'm not very close to her, I used to fight against her, now I'm fighting with her.
There's been a lot of changes in my past life, it affects everyone around me. Although I don't know her that well, I felt close to her. Then she said,
"we used to be best friends". At that moment, I felt that something is swinging and leave that slap on the face. All my past flashback surge into my memories, like a film projector, it shows. I was close to tears. Nadia, Nabila, Shakilla, Min Halina. Those were the faces appear on the slide. The shell necklace, that start it all. So that is how I know you...

Monday, November 2, 2009


Pada suatu hari, seorang guru bertanya pada Amin," Amin, apakah impianmu."lalu dia menjawab." Saya tak tahu."cikgu itu bertanya kembali."Cuba tanya hati, apa kata hati."Lalu Amin menjawab. " Hati kata dia tak tahu, dia suruh tanya cikgu."

I've heard bittersweet stories lately,After hearing what she said, I felt that sentimental feeling towards life. How horrible can life turn out to be, how it trembles us with it's wrath and kick us to the corner. She cried, she couldn't stand it. I can see tears in her eyes but at the same time, she's smiling... What gives.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


" Amatlah menakutkan apabila malaikat maut menjalankan tugasnya."

I saw a tragic accident today, in just seconds everything went wrong.
Life can be fast paced at times, my school days are lapsing. 17 days to go before the real thing.
What to do in 17 days.