If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Thursday, December 31, 2009


Today after 12 marks the end of our plight as a teenager. The time to become the young adult is near. Sadly I fail to fulfill this year's resolution. 'To live without regrets.' Unfortunately, I regretted as much as the next person.
But still this year is worthwhile, filled with festivals of emotions, the carnage of life. People come and go. The slim Asslam do stir quite good news for him, everyone was talking about him, it does show that his hardwork for the year's resolution. People change along the way, and some still remains the same. No matter how you talk it, it just wont budge. We have done so many together, with friends nor foes. A new friend gained, and a new enemy encountered. Some had gotten their university letters. I'm worried if things doesn't turn out on what have we planned. But still we made it, this year.
I watched Oprah when Taylor Swift gave her guitar to that kid, Jordan if I'm not mistaken. I love her expression. And so as the other episode of Oprah, the expression of happiness. Yes, I want that expression appear on my face.
After hours of re-reading past blogs, it shows the way of life. The life that I have been living all this time. Thank you guys, thank you. Thanks for the memories that we had, you all have guide me to what I am now. I can't live without you guys, empty and pitiful. I've experienced it first hand.
It has been a long time since I wrote poems, so spontaneously I end this year's post with one.

And so as the fallen will ponder on the zeitgeist of this time.
By the time the clock strikes 12, we all waltzed around the floor, cheeringly.
The earth smiles with its gesture, the sun glare at the humans so they can squint, and so the moon reflects it as it might.
The crimson sky are lighted by the flames of humanity, still blinded by the black ash of the future.
And just before the clock strikes 12, people gathered to do what they can, to see what they can, to say what they can.
In numbers they're shouting, by words they're singing, by hearts they're saying.
At this moment people started to smile, assuming that the past is dead, cheeringly they anticipated this day, just this.
To call what's fair, to keep or to leave behind. Just so they will be lighter traveling onto the road that they built altogether by themselves.
And seconds till the clock strikes 12, some people are still at war, some people still crying in their beds, some wouldn't bother, some in starvation, some in their deathbed. So what's make this day as fair as the other? We'll see what happen when the clock strikes 12.

Happy new year guys, live a good life shall we?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Yay! Got myself a formspring. Since I like answering questions.
Kudos to MakTeh and Busukk.

Monday, December 28, 2009


I took a peek at danny choo's blog, and some other well known people. Envy is the right word for it, how people get lucky and living the famous so called 'successful' utopia. Just now I've been thinking about myself. Am I on the correct road. Whether the things that I have done all this time was worth it. I've got nothing less than inspiration and motivation but sometimes I felt like it wasn't there at all. When I look at how their life has become I felt like they were too hard to beat. I know I can, but with my corrupted self I got beaten with a long shot. I know I should have accepted the challenge but I'm demurred, I succumb. Lately I've been confused by emotions and my passions. I try asking myself what I like the most, but I couldn't answer it well. Just as I thought I were at peace but no, I couldn't see the war that goes on in my life, or am I trying to deny it all this time.
But there were also a few seconds that I feel alive for no exact reason, I felt very optimistic but it fades after a few seconds. Am I thinking too much? It is hard to stop myself from thinking unnecessary things. I always have doubts in everything, what if, what if, what if... I am tired of
'What if'. It's like there's another person inside me telling me that. But this is me, the typical me. The so called perfectionist, an enigma. I observe and try to understand and feel people. But unable to understand myself. Too much complicated of an enigma that I fail to solve my own riddles.


" Life like this, that's the way it is."

A famous lyric quoted by avril lavigne, the famous internationally known pop star. Life has been stale, pale or whatever suits your boat. I have all the time, but it is gray with an environment like this. Seeing parents buying school uniforms for their children always give me that hard slap of reality that I have grown up. As everyone said, I love to observe my surrounding. Especially the human behavior which interest me. People can change along the way, not all of them on the right course. Sometimes we doesn't realize that we have change even when 10 people said that, we still find a way to deny it. Changes are common in life, which had created a sort of phobic which drowns humans as ourselves to fear.
I've read the news about the hair issue at the neighbouring country, I can't believe there exist such people. Sigh, honestly I miss you guys like hell, well what can I do. Life like this that's the way it is.

Saturday, December 26, 2009


I have to prove something to that person...

Friday, December 25, 2009


I find it hard to talk to people, especially strangers. I hate changes that occur in the present life. I didn't like to see so many unfamiliar faces. But there are times when I see those faces who looked so familiar to me. At that moment I try to figure out who that person is. There are also situations such as unfamiliar faces that knows me well. There was once a woman asking if I am Afiq, turned out she's the one taking care of me when I was a small child. Sound silly... but it often happen. Yeah Life is so much boring when your friends not around, and it is hard to expand that cycle when you're anti-social. Sometimes I just blank and don't know what to say. It is very awkward.
Changes in life is both predictable and unpredictable. It also holds positive value and also the negatives. I have this fear of change, that is why I am scared of the future. It is because of changes or maybe how hard it is to adapt to new situations. The point is, I need to change, to socialize more and at the same time to keep apart from corrupted people. Hope that I can discard this fear.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


A few days ago I dreamt about us traveling in Africa. Bella, dzmah, was there. I didn't remember it so much now since the internet went mayday for a few days. But still, we had a good time there.
Sometimes I felt like these dreams are sort of like clues. Remember when I dreamt about dzmah fighting someone like a ninja. Yes, adzimah wins off course and it is related to the seminar we attended where adzimah won the towel. And the opponent in the dream was one of our team mates. It may sound cliche or childish but still...
Dreams are kind of like riddles, I don't know the answer yet. But this dream is a beautiful dream.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


The long anticipated event venues at Sunway Pyramid today. It is the Comic Fiesta, one of the biggest ACG events in Malaysia. It was awesome, worth those 15 ringgit. I arrive there to say not early but not late also. The event was amazing with amazing hosts, and lots of cosplayers. I mean, a lot. There are also numerous Doujinshi shops. I just love to see local arts. If I have the chance, maybe next year I'll open a booth myself. The performance was absolutely entertaining. It was very crowded that most of the food stores was full of people. The camera doesn't like me, it is making trouble with the settings and didn't do the pictures any justice. Overall it is an awesome event. Most of the things were expensive ( like the usual). So I'll anticipate it next year as well. Hoping that they would make it even awesome-er than this year.


It is around 3.30 AM. I just watched the most expensive movie ever made. The movie cost around 700 million dollars ( i think), and it took around 10-15 years of developing it. From the unbeatable director of titanic, comes a new movie. And it is called avatar.
At first when watching the trailer, I didn't believe that this movie would cost so much. The trailer looks boring and fake. Out of curiosity, I watched it. It has been a long time since I watched a good flick. And Avatar was the best movie I ever saw in my 17 years of life.

As you know me, I tend to appreciate beauty and those marveling things that life gave.
There was this planet named 'Pandora'. It was captivating. At the moment my eyes rest on it, it marvel me with its mesmerizing beauty. It was so beautiful, the creatures that lived on it and most of it the plant that holds numerous beauty. It was so beautiful that I felt guilty to blink even for a second, just to thought that I would miss it's beauty.

The film toyed with my emotions from the start. It was breathtaking... I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't watched it. But the movie was really damn beautiful and full of emotions. I got myself twisted emotionally. It's like all the emotions fighting against each
As an environmentalist, this movie really make me despise humans. It also have that cultural thingy which interest me the most. This is my type of movie. At the end of the movie, people clapped and cried. I saw them wiping out tears. It was worth it. It was like another experience that I longing to see. In the car, I've heard compliments towards the director. " Genius," he said.

In my point of view, this movie beats The Joker and Optimus Prime by a long shot.
Truly one of the best movies in history.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I suggest you chase your dreams, not wait for it.

Monday, December 14, 2009


I got 9A's for SPM! That was a dream I had last night. Miraculously, it was a nice dream. All of us, we got good grades. Everyone was smiling, things going on as planned. Everything was perfect. I see the future, everyone got a job, a career. It was bright, It would be nice if that dream was as real as I felt. Although I am not very confident about the future, it is the opposite of my dream. The future I dreamt was bright and not as near as scary as the reality. The first step is to believe, because when you believe. Good things happen.
The best part of that dream is that everyone is smiling. And I miss those smiles the most...

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I just love this!

I want to be one of them! :)

Saturday, December 12, 2009


The air I breathe, stale and lifeless. Everything seems to be pale and dark.
Is fear still here? I just can't see it. Maybe it is hiding somewhere, should I find it?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Dari tadi aku dok nyanyi lagu Graduation tu je...

Today is the last day of SPM, the feeling is unexplainable. Happy entwines with sadness. I really cant focus on the last paper. One by one people, went out. Stay by estrella playing in my mind, I don't want you to go, please stay... I give up and went out as well. I hear screams of freedom, "SPM dah habis..
Things just end like that, people came back home, some without saying a word. No one cried today, happy smiles. We went to the Mcdonalds for a lunch and do crazy stuff since it is the last day that we spent together in the school uniform. It kinda spoiled with all the section 10 school and other people, we would like to have it for our own just for one day.
It was like a reunion, we didn't talk about the future that much, only about the time, present and how to spend it.
We also do crazy things, these moments were begging me for a camera, and at this moment I don't have one.
I bring the book that teacher gave me, since I will not use it anymore. I decided to give everyone to write on it. It was funny when Munir didn't realize that there will be no school next year. He was like,

" Fuck, tahun depan tak sekolah dah kan? Baru aku sedar."

It is okay, we are enjoying ourselves back then. Good laughs, anything we do will end up saying,

" Takpe, last day....."

The farewell was like other ordinary farewell, we say good luck and stay in touch. We went back home and it ends just like that.
Back home, in my room, I open the book and read it. And yeah it touched me deeply, very deeply. Like an arrow pierced into my heart one by one. It is painful when you're realize that the wielder of the bow is no longer there. But I felt alive because the arrows shot were most meaningful. Even just short words, like; " Aku tak tahu apa nak tulis."
It bought me a large impact, I imagine their faces. It was mesmerizing. I didn't realize how much I love you guys till then. I wish there were more people wrote in that book. Because I like it so much. It produce so much inspiration.
In my prayers, I actually felt like crying. For the first time, my tear duct was like beginning to explode. I try to cry but I can't maybe I am too happy, not because SPM is over but the time we spent were like no other. I pray with all my heart for my friends, I want them to be happy as well.

This school, the time that we shared, the lesson that we learned were infinite. The syllabus of life, everything in school was great like Fuck. (okay have to use that as an impression of extreme) The school had done many things, it gave us friends, it gave us precious memories. Although sometimes it is harsh, some people changed along the way but we get back together.
If I'd get the chance, I would so relive this moment again.
Honestly, I am not satisfied. I felt like my time in school wasn't enough. I want more.
Writing this makes me sad and miss you guys so much more.
All the best in life guys, stay in touch okay, don't forget the precious time.

Baru aku sedar kat depan buku tu ada tulis,

" Time is the coin of your life, it is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. "

" Afiq, eventhough the school's done, But we still can meet again, aint?"

" Pasni study elok2 untuk masuk Universiti plak, gooD LUCK."

" I had so many precious memories with you. Classmates since 2004.' (ni aku tanya kau haha). You're one of a kind, and honestly aku suka nak cakap apa2 dgn kau. Share thoughts, etc. ♡ U!
Ingat aku always!"

" We'll meet again someday and reminisce (how do we spell this?) our school moments. and laugh. We wont talk about the weather."

" Well, you're the first for a guyfriend to me, Anyway, thanks for making me laugh and feeling cheerful. "

" Thx tu you, sekarang aku lebih mendalami lagi minat melukis nih. Keep up da good works!!"

" Ya gonna shine! And do great things in life!


" Be happy 4 who u are, smile always "

" Try to have fun in life man. Life is short so enjoy it as much as you can. "

" Its been so long. that u have been my bestfren, I love u man!! (not gay)"

" Kahwin jgn lupa jemput! Hahahaha"

" Hokhok!! membe dr skola rendah. "

These are extract from The Book. I'll say those are quotes from ordinary people with extraordinary school life. You guys are like no other. And I can't wish it any better.




Monday, December 7, 2009


Honestly, I didn't study chemistry at all,..
whenever I open the book I felt uneasy.
In my dreams I've always see the darker side of the future, what if.. your plan doesn't turn out the way they should.

Dzmah said, anything can happen.

I actually giggle in front of the computers, reminiscing the good times that we had. Folder by folder I opened, but in the end they all look stale and lifeless. Maybe it is because the fact that this is ending. I don't understand people who still want school to end fast, didn't they realize what school had done for us? Or maybe we just lucky that we had such good times?

Sigh, this is the time where the bird have to leave the nest.. I'm so gonna miss everything, asslam's joke, trademarks, everything from scratch. I just love hearing stories when they quarrel with the mak cik tandas, or when they complain about the floor of the canteen.
I'm already missing the good mornings that everyone do everyday, I miss guarding the gate during my prefect duty, I miss the school anthem. I miss the moment when my friends ask for homework. I miss the anxiety waiting for teacher not to come. I miss the boys who played takraw at the back, or the gossip girls with their loud mouth. I miss Syara's, Babilah. I miss Bella's busukk, I miss Adzimah pending, I miss Dyrahs chillabro.. I miss all the things from scratch.
We had great times, we have done all things, going to the principle's office, get lectured.
I bet the university days cannot replace these days that we had..
I've also try to look at the past post, and it swallowed me with despair,
It's been a while that I kept asking myself, am I ready? To face the new world. It just as scary imagining it.
But whatever it is, tomorrow is the last day. We can do many things, we can walk backwards, we can pretend it is daylight all the time. We can do whatever we can, but the day is still ending and when the day ends, all we can do is to bid farewell.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Yay, Picture stock just arrived. I'm longing for a camera. Everywhere I go, magnificent things happen. Especially this upcoming days, final days. Everyone got plans after this, even on wednesday, they plan to start working. I still left behind with no plans. I watch High School Musical 3 again, but this time it hold large sentimental values. Now I feel, what they feel. I like the speech.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


There was I standing, scared and feeling sad for no obvious reason. When I was close to tears, I imagine my friends, teachers and all the good times that we shared. It brings me, it awaken me. It gives me the will. I felt really, really happy. I actually giggle reminiscing the plight of our days. There are too many, the laughs, the tears. We were so childish back then. School haven't even ended, and I already miss you guys..
Why must all the good things come to an end. I don't want to breathe the university air just yet. I'd rather spend quality time with my friends than facing the darkness.
A new beginning? the title of my best poem. Such expression only appear on pixels, but the memory we get, was remarkable.
Every story have it's own ending, every movie has it's sequel. The first part of my story will be ending soon, a new moon will rise out. Could there be another new beginning such as these, or is it just another sad ending to a start of a nightmare.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Lately, fear came knocking on my door. I thought I'd never see it again. But it came, fear came. It greet me, and lend out its hand longing for a handshake. I had to do it, I had to feel it once again. I hold it's hand firmly, it was cold. Chills running to my spine. My skin turned pale, my red lips fade. My body shook with fear. At that moment I asked god, is this another way of repent. I have no other options but only to let fear in... and I know. Once fear leave, I will bloom into a new leaf.

Monday, November 30, 2009


Whenever I paint, I felt this uneasy feelings. It feels like I am forcing myself to do something that is not me. I can't give birth to art with painting, I just can't make it live. It is a very different feeling, it is like painting my life with the color gray. Painting is just not me.
Unsatisfied, everytime.
I am confused between hopes and desires. What I want in life exactly? I couldn't answer it. I hate this part right here.

Dulu duniaku hilang warna, sekarang ia hilang arah.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Day passes swiftly without any mercy. Without waiting. Burden by burden lifted, another step towards the darker side of life. The darkside which dependable on us to brighten it.
I like finish papers early and hanging out by the open hall. Those smiles, those laughter. Will I see or beheard it again. Will there be people like Asslam in the next phase, will there be 'pending' ,'busuuk' or 'chillah bro' echoing through the corridor. Will I see those smiles again, will we meet each other again? Those bright green clothes that you wear, will the green last or will it fade to gray...
Around 3 or 4 papers, then we will bid farewell. Imagine when we step out of the school on the last day. Thoughts will start roam in your mind and tell you that you will never set foot here again. Not anymore.
A long sigh and it is the end. Just like that.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


"Lelaki ini pandangannya dari luar ke dalam. Maknanya dari muka, bentuk badan, ukuran dada dan lentikan pinggul, kemudian baru lah kedalam hati. Jadi untuk mereka masuk kedalam hati perempuan tu perkara yang terlebih susah. Kerana sebelum masuk kedalam perlu lalu luaran. Berbeza dengan wanita yang dari dalam kemudian baru keluar.

Sebab itu ibu-ibu senang memujuk anak mereka, berbanding bapa-bapa yang hanya tau pujuk dengan belikan permainan.

Magic kan?"

I pick this up from one of my favorite blog.

Next topic, I couldn't help but to notice on the Yahoo news that Iceberg floats. We were the one's who did this. Why blame 2012, if this continues, it might be earlier than we expected.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Each day, each burden is lifted but that is not all. Each day passes, the more you feel scared. Not only about the results or not getting ready for exams but the future. The adulthood, the real cruel world they say. Are you ready for that, come to think that the last paper will mark our freedom. No... The last paper play the role as the key to the next level. Just like video games, the level gets hard and harder.
Does freedom even exist? Define freedom?
We are never be free. We always wanting that key to freedom but no, we only have the key to more powerful problems. Where is the key to freedom anyway? All our lives will be chased by that problems. We can run from it, but it just keep getting back.
Money, status... all the adults always on the search for that.
When we hand over the last papers, we hand over our freedom. The freedom that we always on the look for... it is right in front of our eyes. Our time here, our golden age is the so called freedom. Those papers, reflecting either the darker side of the future or vice versa.

" What is it that you look so bright in that reflection?
Is it the future or is it the past that shines...?"

Saturday, November 21, 2009


The 100% GEMPAK STARZ '09 was damn awesome. Went there without any intention hence the camera phone. After experiencing a pinch of this event, blame SPM... I am so anticipating The Comic Fiesta. Now I know the potential of the Malaysian comic industries. They also sell cheap graphic novels. I bought 7.
Speaking of buying, I also bought Fatal Frame 2, since I love the Fatal frame series so what the heck. I can't wait for to play it after SPM. For better quality pictures of the event, click here.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Jarum jam menandakan lebih kurang sepuluh minit sebelum pukul dua belas malam. Aku, seperti biasa melakukan sedikit ulang kaji untuk mata pelajaran yang bakal kududuki di dewan nanti. Hari sudah lewat malam, mataku semakin lama semakin layu memandang tepat ke arah bantal yang empuk seolah-olah memanggilku untuk memeluknya. Perkataan didalam buku seakan menari dengan nada tarian yang mengutuk. Aku tahu apa yang kubaca sekarang ini hampir mustahil untuk diterima otak yang kepenatan. Tetapi sanubari enggan mendengar kata-kata kesat yang dilemparkan oleh minda dan aku masih terus berjuang. Lantas, aku menekan punat di komputer ribaku yang berdekatan. Aku tidak dapat menahan lagi mendengar jeritan minda yang melunturkan keadaan. Dengan pantas, jari-jemariku menari-nari menekan papan kekunci. Mataku tidak lepas melihat skrin yang berwarna-warni. Dengan azam yang mencecah langit. Akhirnya aku berpuas hati, siap juga post untuk hari ini.

Thursday, November 19, 2009



The nervous breakdown or the hypertension had already fade off. You have seen familiar faces and have adapt through. Except when you take a certain paper, you start to imagine the future. How would it be if you fail this. What will you work as, what will your cousin think of you. Things can get really hard, and the pressure rises so fast that it make your head feel dizzy and you start to vomit. I may be exaggerating but hey, this is SPM. The turning point.
Sometimes there are questions like, " Is this it?" clouding in your head. When things get easy you either gain too much confidence or lose it. It is either way. Sometimes thing doesn't feel right. Maybe because we expect so much. Another thing is when you start to regret for not studying, You felt like you know this answer somewhere scenario. Thats what I'm talking about.
Sometimes we get too over confident that the paper sometimes trick us.
History was damn hard for me, serve me right I think. When I took the test, I felt like I was being interviewed by bosses. I explain to them why I didn't do well on History paper. Funny, many relevant reasons popping out of my head. The more paper you take, the more you realize the importance of SPM and the burden it carries. SPM is not only about what university you will get but about your job. About how much income you will make, what car you will drive. Each subject done, each burden lifted. So if you can't beat the papers, get even with it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009



There are two alarm clocks ready on duty to wake me up. The first one succeed. Everything goes as planned. It was like usual, nothing much, it doesn't feel like SPM. Just another ordinary day... well until you realize it. I've packed the things that I need yesterday so today I'm all geared up for the exam of my life. Breakfast was special today, it is necessary off course. Sitting outside waiting for the carpool. The more I wait the more nervous I felt. And it goes on and when we arrive at school, it amplifies.

Everyone was nervous as well, glad I'm not alone. There are people crying... It was like PMR but a little more suspense. Then we went up to the exam hall. I was in front, second row. It was breathtaking... my heart beats rapidly.
After a moment, the paper sheet was handed out. It was Nerve-wrecking. At that moment I couldn't tell which one's real. I was shocked that it all happen too quickly, " This is it, the real thing." I said. It was right in front of me, provoking me with it's smirk.
When the head examiner told us to start, I couldn't get my hand to move. I was blocked out of any ideas. But I prevail and continue on my essays. The more I write the more confident I get. I got a feeling that god is with me. The nervous feeling fade away like adrenaline. I kept repeating, " Don't fail this... this is it... this is your life... don't regret." The test is over and I made it in the nick of time.
We went out for a break, like usual your friends will ask about your condition. "O.K" that is all I could answer. Honestly I wasn't fully prepared, especially history. But I have done my best I suppose. Around 9 days of hell, the survival of the fittest.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


" Gentlemen, hoist the colors."

This is it, it finally came. The finale of our teenhood, the final fight, the last war. Our work for 5 years will be put on papers. The reason why we went to school. The turning point of our lives. Smell that?
That's the smell of victory..

Monday, November 16, 2009


"Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on."

" Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime."

" We'll stay forever this way, you are safe in my heart go on and on."

" One true time I hold on to, in my life we'll always go on."

Such experience does it, like usual I couldn't study. After long hours of sentimentality, It already brought much impact to me. I couldn't believe it is the end, direct from the SAL room straight to the assembly hall. The speeches, the anthems. We missed the Fourian's clap. I was so close to tears when we sang the anthem. Looking at all the teachers directly in front of me. Fleetingly our lives runs too fast. It was like yesterday when we register into this school. I couldn't imagine a better teenage life like this one. I'm glad I didn't go to SBP's, because here lives my greatest moments in life and I couldn't wish it any other way... I just can't believe, we were so small back then, now all grown up. Preparing to take our own paths. I do wish for a time machine, so we could relive these moments just the way it is. Savour it slowly and breath thoroughly.
It rains almost all day, sitting in my room looking for past videos and photos. Really, I felt really sad at that moment. Then staring at the window,

" Why must good things come to an end."

" All that is well ends well."

Remember when the drama competition ended, everyone feels so empty. Hoping for more. I'm sure it will repeat. All the things that happen in the school, stays in the school. I am proud to become a full pledged Fourians. Really proud...