If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I've looked up images of my favorite artist, ranging from voice actors to singers. The same thought interrupts the tranquility of the mind. "What if" but more like " Wouldn't be nice".

" Wouldn't it be nice if I'm with her. "

The countless days of grasses that I have missed. The blooming flowers that I have turn down upon. The chances that came and I let it go by.The doors that are open, I close it back. I wonder would I ever change.

The days I've spent was more exhausting, but I've done nothing at all. Every morning I woke up in the sense of hopeless. I didn't have that motivation to be awake. I wanted to finish my work but I didn't feel like it. I've played games and hangout with mates and it still feels the same. I felt like doing nothing, nothing at all. It is not a lazy song but more worthy to an empty song.I feel empty. Perhaps these emptiness I felt was

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The design of fate itself truly remarkable and surprising. The moment I was thinking the same thing and out of the blue being told the same thing. But I have evaluate the terms and conditions how two souls met and last. I was a coward at things like this. That is the truth, and I am a coward from confronting the truth, I was a coward at everything.
The moment I sat silence, it is the moment where I am thinking, and I have think far. Too far that I giggle at the situation. It was very awkward. You can say that I was in deep dilemma, something I lost once, came back all of a sudden. It is quite shocking. Same time expected and at the same time unexpected.

I was confuse between guilt and pride. Between hope and desperation. It is like you want to have but at the same time you don't. I was petrified upon pity and trembled upon fear. Should or should not, it was quite a choice to pick when it comes to something big as finding a life partner. Sometimes I wish it was never happened and sometimes I wish it happened earlier. A choice to choose, to continue or discontinue. My thoughts drowned me.

I've come to know her as my friend, and accepted the way as it is though I do have a major crush on her since the early age. But I thought she was not into me and I get over it as soon as I can. I've decided to move on and take where fate takes me. I've move along.

"Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time"

-Taylor Swift-

I was afraid of those words from Taylor Swift, being in that situation scares me. I just never realize that, how stubborn. My feelings are biased, my thoughts are a prejudice.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Honestly I do like it just the way it is, just be friends. I don't want to lose you dear not by heartbreaks. I just wanted it to be the way it was before. I hope you understand, it is a very hard choice, and this choice I chose with my hearts content. And I will not regret this choice as you would do. You are very brave but I believe that I am not the person for you and you are not the person for me. I can't make you happy and so do you. I sincerely hope you'll find someone better than me, someone who can truly make you happy. It was truly enchanting to meet you, it really is. It was a decision I had to make, I hope you understand.

sincerely to us
-The Thing-

I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Thursday, September 22, 2011

All this time, i felt sudden lost. I tremble along with my fears, and become paranoid. Scared the living shit out of my own life. I try to wake up in the midst of the night just to hear the house breathing, snoring noises, sounds from the refrigerator and the chimes of the wind. When all is dead, I felt alive. I wanted to be alive.
The silence of the night never fails to treat me nicely, soothing and tranquils me with it's words. I always stares at the window, blank for a few hours. Sometimes I think, sometimes I just stare pointlessly. How long has it been? I felt like being trapped in a cave, or a prison. And finally being released for a while and stared asking around " What day is it?, What year is it? Where am I?

I pushed up my cellphone through the contact list. I feel like I need someone to talk to. There are a few people which I could conduct my feelings to. Expression is something that I rarely do. That is why i get poisoned most of the times. I have no companion, that night I felt I was alone.
Along the contact list it is hard enough to find a single person who will help me endure this feeling. I did not find a companion. I need someone special to hear my mind. I can't say words to my family, I did not want to falter their heart. I forgot my dear diary, the enigma. Though words I wrote, here I realize that I was alone all this time.

I used to write poems, I used to love the things I do. But as I grow up, i succumb to time and force me to do what I don't love. And things we love can fade.

I watched Talentime by Yasmin Ahmad, yes just watched a 2009 film. Actually I have the film a long time ago but didn't have the inspiration to watch it and somehow the film actually made me drop tears. Spoiler alert.
The final scene which a boy reminiscence the plight with his mother just kills me. Her mother just passed away in a hospital and he hug her tightly on her deathbed. I feel him as I attempt to imagine myself in his shoes. But the time will come and I've always ready but never prepared.

Day by day passed and I haven't got that flick of a light, this life is still clouded with black skies and my lantern is about to fade.

Friday, July 22, 2011

I found something new about myself which now I am sure of. I like reading or watching or knowing other people's life. Biographies. That is why I enjoyed watching films like big fish, curious case of benjamin button and so on. But at the same time makes me think about my own life.

Most of the movies were just flashbacks of their previous lives. At the stage of dying, they told their own life to their children or someone special. The places they have been, the people they have met, the wonders that they have done.

When I get old, I wanted to tell stories like they did, how I fear of getting old, how I love fairytales. The many faces that I have met, the beautiful places that I have been. But the matter is that it wasn't as memorable as it have been. I mean it could have been better.

I was quite jealous of people who can just quit something and start something new. Like a person who dislike his job and quickly changes to the job he likes. Experiencing new things, but it is just me, I am afraid of changes. I am a coward at these things.

I imagine when we were older,gray hair, wrinkled faces, sitting by the stool, talk about kids nowadays and dreaming about the past.

And we wished that we were younger...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

At times I wonder what is the purpose of this and that. Why does it happen and why am I am always involved in the problems that my social circle make. There were times I felt really angry, and some moment I felt disgust with what is all that happening around me. A few moments I endure pain which is uncertain, not to the heart but to the head. It is like gears and bolts in my brain never put to rest, always go back and forth on the same ordeal. Thus it leads the body is such distress, strain and unsettling nerves. I am thinking about what I am thinking.

" Forcing laughters faking smiles, same old tired lonely place, walls of insincerity. "
-taylor swift-

There were phases where I felt the world was not in order, where the system does not cope and when the laws were breakable. Maybe it is just that this city is corrupted, and I am living in a corrupted system, enforced by corrupted laws, and forcing me to corrupt.
But there are also phases where It felt calm, secure and at peace.

Maybe this is just a test to see where I can put my head in order. Organizing my life back, and restore the peace within. Maybe I've just got to smile more.'

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Greenday taught me that government's gonna fail someday.
Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I love
Adam Lambert taught me to be myself and not to be ashame.
Katy Perry taught me that we must always move on
Eminem taught me that life is hard but you can make it through
Taylor Swift taught me not every relationship is painless.
Michael Jackson taught me to always love the people around me
Music taught me to live.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It is funny, with just one click, I can see my dreams shatter like glass dropped from the fifth floor. The cracking sound it makes, it is the taunt of reality. Much more painful to see familiar faces of disappointment, broken hearts and broken promises that I made.
It is even funnier when close friends say, try again next time. For sure we can try again, but I already lost the only chance I have to accomplish my long ambition. It is not like video games that we played, we can start again at the checkpoint, this is reality, you have to move on whatever the situation is.
The door is closed now. But I do know, that when a door is closed, another opens.
I can always put up words to make me feel better, but it is false and faux. Artificial sentences just to cool this head down.

A sense of remorse and regret is filling the empty spaces. I do wish for a time-machine that would take me back. Perhaps a little change would change the course entirely. I am so close.

And maybe one day, it will come by itself. But for now, it really do tore a scar.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I was lying in bed just now, pondering about something. But on second thought I'd best write my concerns and curiosities.
I wonder where this road takes me, how many bumps were there, and how many turns shall I take, or even I get the nerve to turn back. Or is it that I am thinking too much and better off to let it go with the flow. I've been thinking whether all this time I made the right choice, or better said, the other choice were better.
In life we often face these miraculous things, and which lead us to various scenarios. Perhaps good and perhaps bad. Ever heard the phrase " Being at the wrong place at the wrong time."

Because what happens next are determined on what we have chosen. The risk here is that we will never know if we make the right choices or the wrong ones. Even perhaps, all choices we picked was the right one, it's just that we make mistakes along the way and turn the right choice into a wrong choice.

I've been scavenging old stuffs in my drawers, all dusty books. And I found one fairly interesting writings. It wrote there, " The Bucket List".

a list of doings before... you know, kicking the bucket. Only a quarter I have accomplished so far. Sometimes I get lost with the things that I adore doing and the things I'm forced to do.

It is reasonably good to write down diaries and old photographs so that one day it will become a reminder if you're lost in your thoughts or just to ponder the plight of your triumph days.

I used to like taking pictures, I bring my camera everywhere, to catch the moments. Perhaps, it is time to start all over again?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What you said always linger in my thoughts.

" I wanted to be in outer space, because there is no room for me in this world."

you were right little astronaut.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

When you were gone someplace else, far away from your home. And when you came back, everything looks the same, but you felt very awkward of your surrounding. Could it be, it is you the one who is changing?

Changes are unavoidable in this life, some are the good changes, and some the horrible ones. I've come to see that most people surrounding me have changed, some are getting there and some remains. Could it be that they have become more mature than before, or is it the cause that they are turning into a new leaf, to open a new book? We can no longer return to the way it was, the nostalgic moments we have, we should treasure this moment as well because soon we are no longer to see each other.

In the near future they all will become very busy with their career and their families, moving to the other part of the country. By then we can only shed tears on the times that we had on fragments of photographs. Reminiscing the moments and tell our tales to our children. Then we aged through, our hair soon to become gray, our skin scrapped and wrinkled all over. By that time we will feel really lonely and we would gave any price to be young and start all over again.

But that will never happen... and finally we will be kicking the bucket, and that it is. Life is like a brief candle. Have you watched ' The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?' well that kind of a story have meaningful lessons about life and death itself.

This semester break is the only time I had to take a breather, to become myself. To see the plight of our lives, to get enough soul food to carry on to the next phase. In the outside world is really a harsh world, I've faced different people with each different personalities and in order to cope with these people is for me to create another me. A doppelganger, a darker counterpart of my own. I am not myself when I'm there. I have to become someone else, that is why sometimes I felt dragged, and unhappy.

Am I a hypocrite? No... it is just a way of adapting.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Honestly, I didn't miss that phase at all. It is like pitstop, more like a place to stop by and then leave when you finished. It is like poison, the name itself was nothing more to bring harm.

I realize that life is little there, perhaps none at all. But it is topsy turvy most of the time. Nothing was in order, everything was in the wrong place. It's like a train waiting to crash. It is full of strangers and pretenders. Everybody is hungry for people and they all have knives in their hand, ready to stab on each others backs. But it is a phase of learning, learn about people, learning the 'pre-reality' before stepping into the real reality. It gets worst.

Sometimes I am envious of people who actually live in the present. And they got by swiftly without scars or bruises. Evenly this will shape me into a more mature person which I was not in favor. I want to relive moments like a child in the cradle, they don't have to face all this. Always protected from the harms of reality.

Around these times happiness, is quite a rare visitor to pass by. At least come once in a while and say hello.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

We can't simply point our fingers saying that life is cruel, well life has given us so much and only a few small unkindness and humans started to blame life for it, saying that life is unfair, life is cruel and such. Who's the cruel ones now? But we can't deny it do we? At times we feel down, emotionally disturbed. The problems that evolves around us. The future that is daunting, and the uncertainties that we felt. We might go out and enjoy ourselves, at the same time on the other side of the world there is a person who's had it with life and ready to commit suicide.

A dear friend of mine just lost three 'characters' that she hold dear and to top it off that her best friend just admitted to a hospital for dengue fever and her assignments was rejected dearly. She can't even lift a smile these days.
To top it off with dozens of unfinished works. Plus we are getting near to the final exams. Sad but enough about my friend... she can make it.

University life have been very dull, same routine repeated each day. I am not very confident whether I can get into the dean list again, and i do not know where my path leads me.

I wanted to study abroad. I want to leave this country and roam the map. It is not that I didn't love my country, it is just that there is nothing for me to see here, I want to go outside my boundary, experience things outside the box. Have you ever felt like you are getting tired doing the same thing, and it is always stood for whatever reasons you have, it's like exhaustion and you need a breather, a break.

Everyone is working hard, some are still in the same phase. The semester is about to end and I've met so many new faces this semester I've met actors and actresses, I've met celebrity hosts, I've met troublesome people, I've made new enemies, I've made new friends. So far 2011 have not been kind but 2011 is more to a teacher, she teaches us the hardships of life. Well most of it. But it is okay, I will anticipate whatever that comes.

p.s: How about a reunion, it has been a long time since I ponder upon your familiar faces.

Monday, April 4, 2011

So far 2011 have not been very kind to me, the usual ups and downs of the roller coaster.

" You can be mad as a mad dog with the way things went, you can curse to fates. But at the end of the day, you have to let go."
-Benjamin Button-

It has been a long time since the last updates, but I am back on my feet now. I've met different kinds of people in my life, If I given a chance to make a movie, I would make one about my life. When I looked back, I have experienced so much, I have met so many people and I didn't not step a foot outside my country.

I have always been envious of my Art History Lecture, he always tell us stories about the places he go, the experience he had, and the life he lived. An old man, but still strong on both feet. I always wished I could go to places like him, seeing new things and when we get back, we can tell these stories to our children, and our grandchildren and so on.

I received my first Dean certificate, not a thing to be proud of but the sensation of relief. I pray that I could maintain my position this semester.

We also did a theatre for the ceremony, and it was a huge success.. I mean really huge! Even a news at the branch university, and to top it of the Vice Chansellor himself wants us perform in front of him at his ceremony along with the V.I.P's. But I am not the one who is performing as I am in the production part, though I have to be the emcee.
Though I dislike the fact that the new system will be applied where degree will be separated... it's gonna be very lonely and quiet.

I've thought a lesson that life can hit us really hard... but it is not about how hard we get hit, it is about how hard we can get hit and keep moving forward.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Have you ever suddenly looked at the sky and say.
" God please help me..."

I've heard the story of an atheist who said that. Imagine someone who doesn't believe in god said something like that. Come to think that I also in need of 'the help'.

Past few weeks have been 'rough', 'tormenting' and it drove me demented. Almost. Living in a corrupted city, with corrupted people, and their corrupted behavior with their corrupted schemes. Life has never been sunshine and rainbows. It doesn't rain, it pours.

Like a saying, " money is the root of all evil ". I have to agree more after what I have been through. Money can drove people insane. Money can burn a building down, split a family in two and put people on streets.
Financial problems have never failed to fail people. I was petrified with the situation I am now, that I don't know what to do. Off course I can spend my days thinking of the sorrowful future but nevertheless I was in the depth of my own. Sometimes you just wished money would grow on trees. I have to face the problem on my own. But after vain attempts what can you do other than looking up to the sky, praying...

" God save me... "

I can only hope for the best in the future. Thinking and thinking just gave me headaches. What might there are other people who faces similar horrid scenarios like these. It is pure evil.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I guess around 6AM is the best way to write something, it's quiet, everyone's asleep. Your mind is at peace and you can work something or solve something out. You don't have to consume alcohol to forget, just take a look at the stars and you see yourself breathing again.

Everyone can be a tad proud of themselves, we made it this far. Claim a prize. It's like seconds after we leave high school, it's like the sound of a gun booming the sky in a marathon. Everyone is running, chasing each other, it's a race against the better future. But it's not us that we against but them. We are not running because we wanted to be the first among us, well some of us might feel that way but it's not. A first place in life against your friends doesn't make you king. It's all about winning against the future, against life.

Picture yourself as a wrestler, standing proud in the ring, the crowds cheer for you. Then your opponent appears, imagine life as a tall, muscular man. A fist from that guy will blow you down, he finally pin you to the ground.

In the rules of wrestling, you tap your hand to give up, to say that you can't take this anymore. But not in life, you don't tap your hand.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. "
-rocky balboa-

Friday, February 18, 2011

In this life we always wonder, and we'll never stop wondering of the possibilities and what not. Sometimes we even spin around too far, that small things can be a bigger problems when we think it that way. But that is just us thinking.
It's like war wages in our head, rambling through our minds. Ideas can be develop, problems can be solved. Nevertheless, we think about our dreams, our fears. But we are more to think the impossible rather than the possible. Thinking of impossible possibilities.

I always wonder what life ahead, what god have in store for us.

My mom called me just now saying that " She had a bad feeling."
I wonder what form of nature could that lead. She asked me whether I am alright. After she said that I tend to think of the possibilities, I have a bad feeling.
I kept thinking that some sort of disastrous scenario will happen to me. Thank god I am still alright.

It's beginning to rain nowadays, I miss everyone back home. Sometimes this world forces me to do something that is not myself. And you get pressurized by doing it and your mind starts to wonder how to play the enemy's game.

I want to be in the safe zone, I'm tired of this war.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Today I would like to mention something that is never-ending haunting. Which is death.
The black parade.
A friend of mine just lost a father, Innalillah, al-fatihah. To imagine something happened so sudden. Last semester, a dear friend of mine also faced the same thing and a close friend of mine just lost her buddy. Loosing someone you hold dear, I wonder what it feels like. We can't escape death. And one day the day will come. What will you do when the day come? Will you just spend your days crying. The pain must be excruciating. It's like a torment to the mind and body.
I've met so many people with the same tragedies. Some have changed because of it, for better or for worst. Back at camp we always have this what we call an open discussion, or ''the talk''. Where whoever wanted to share something can share in front and we all listen to the tales. Off course there is always those tear shredding moments. These strong people have faced so much.
And some of them have taken the role of a mother, not committing adultery but taking place as the mother when the mother is no more. Can you imagine that? And we all even raise our tone of voice to our own parents.

Have you watched CJ7? Yes, the chinese comedy movie starring Stephen Chow. If you watched it you'll find tear jerker scenes in it. Like when the father died due to the accident and the boy cried. Here it is. and english dub here.

Look at the boy, he doesn't have a mother and just lost his only father at a very young age. This maybe fictional but there are someone facing it at the other side of the world we don't know right?

Say, how would you feel when you have to face these farewells? I even cry when my cat passed away. I can't imagine...

" We only got 86 400 seconds in day to
turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying. "

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Everyone has set pace, and moving in their own way. Some are struggling with their studies that they have to isolate themselves from the world. And the rest of the world are coming along and few are against it. Soon we realize that our dreams are getting closer, some worked hard for it. Some others lay off instead.
Farewells are inevitable in our lives, we will face it eventually, with families, with parents, with friends and even our pets.
I can predict the future but I couldn't possibly imagine it. I wonder what it is like growing up, working, having a family and so on. It's like in those movies we've always watch on wednesdays. Those cheesy movies about love and family affairs. We might laugh at it for the moment, but eventually we'll have to face it.
I missed my old school and the Templer camp, everyday I'm reminded of my daily routine there. I missed it, the moments where we sit around the table and talked our way to the future. We dreamed so much back then, with all the big talks. Off course some of them still carry their dreams and some might let go.
No matter how hard we try back then, we all are united with the fact that it is all played by fate.
Fate bought us to what we are.
What if.

We were in a whole new situation? What if somehow I decided not to continue my studies and go to work, what if I didn't go to the university and take form 6 instead. Things can be quite different can they?
I won't be able to become what I am today, wouldn't it. A total butterfly effect.
What if you weren't reading this, you'd probably be doing something else wouldn't it?

But whatever it is, anticipate the future loves.
No matter how horrible the storm is, we'll get through, we'll be alright...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

We watch slowly as ourself grows. Slowly embracing the adulthood. I was never glad with the term of being an adult. A friend of mine from another country was quite surprised about my age and singlehandedly give me the title " adult ". I do believe that I am still young, I've never faced mid-life crisis before and thus reminded me when I was a little kid. I wanted to be a scientist. Back to the days where dreams comes to life. But as I grew up, I lost that childhood dreams. And it's like the feeling of losing my old self.

Changes in life are unavoidable. We may not notice but changes occur everyday in our lives. Not a single thing is constantly the same. We may be afraid of changes, but those changes make a better me, depends on how you interpret it.

There were times, I felt I lose grip to my dreams but hope is that keeps me going.
Like when you lost in the forest, or trying to score at the last minute of the game. Hope is the thing that kept us going, when we realize that there is hope, we kept striving until we own it.
But not all some people have hope, but still every cloud have a silver lining doesn't it?
When all hope is lost, comes faith.
Have faith in everything, because eventually faith will turn to hope.

It's amazing that we have come this far, can you remember what you have been through. The ups and downs of life. What you have experienced are constantly shaping you to what you are today. Take a moment and ask yourself.

What have you obtain from this life?

What have you become now?

Have you have any regrets?

Can you make change ?

Have you disappoint someone before?

Have you been proud of yourself?

What have you accomplished so far?

What have you not?