Wednesday, May 25, 2011
It is funny, with just one click, I can see my dreams shatter like glass dropped from the fifth floor. The cracking sound it makes, it is the taunt of reality. Much more painful to see familiar faces of disappointment, broken hearts and broken promises that I made.
It is even funnier when close friends say, try again next time. For sure we can try again, but I already lost the only chance I have to accomplish my long ambition. It is not like video games that we played, we can start again at the checkpoint, this is reality, you have to move on whatever the situation is.
The door is closed now. But I do know, that when a door is closed, another opens.
I can always put up words to make me feel better, but it is false and faux. Artificial sentences just to cool this head down.
A sense of remorse and regret is filling the empty spaces. I do wish for a time-machine that would take me back. Perhaps a little change would change the course entirely. I am so close.
And maybe one day, it will come by itself. But for now, it really do tore a scar.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I was lying in bed just now, pondering about something. But on second thought I'd best write my concerns and curiosities.
I wonder where this road takes me, how many bumps were there, and how many turns shall I take, or even I get the nerve to turn back. Or is it that I am thinking too much and better off to let it go with the flow. I've been thinking whether all this time I made the right choice, or better said, the other choice were better.
In life we often face these miraculous things, and which lead us to various scenarios. Perhaps good and perhaps bad. Ever heard the phrase " Being at the wrong place at the wrong time."
Because what happens next are determined on what we have chosen. The risk here is that we will never know if we make the right choices or the wrong ones. Even perhaps, all choices we picked was the right one, it's just that we make mistakes along the way and turn the right choice into a wrong choice.
I've been scavenging old stuffs in my drawers, all dusty books. And I found one fairly interesting writings. It wrote there, " The Bucket List".
a list of doings before... you know, kicking the bucket. Only a quarter I have accomplished so far. Sometimes I get lost with the things that I adore doing and the things I'm forced to do.
It is reasonably good to write down diaries and old photographs so that one day it will become a reminder if you're lost in your thoughts or just to ponder the plight of your triumph days.
I used to like taking pictures, I bring my camera everywhere, to catch the moments. Perhaps, it is time to start all over again?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
When you were gone someplace else, far away from your home. And when you came back, everything looks the same, but you felt very awkward of your surrounding. Could it be, it is you the one who is changing?
Changes are unavoidable in this life, some are the good changes, and some the horrible ones. I've come to see that most people surrounding me have changed, some are getting there and some remains. Could it be that they have become more mature than before, or is it the cause that they are turning into a new leaf, to open a new book? We can no longer return to the way it was, the nostalgic moments we have, we should treasure this moment as well because soon we are no longer to see each other.
In the near future they all will become very busy with their career and their families, moving to the other part of the country. By then we can only shed tears on the times that we had on fragments of photographs. Reminiscing the moments and tell our tales to our children. Then we aged through, our hair soon to become gray, our skin scrapped and wrinkled all over. By that time we will feel really lonely and we would gave any price to be young and start all over again.
But that will never happen... and finally we will be kicking the bucket, and that it is. Life is like a brief candle. Have you watched ' The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?' well that kind of a story have meaningful lessons about life and death itself.
This semester break is the only time I had to take a breather, to become myself. To see the plight of our lives, to get enough soul food to carry on to the next phase. In the outside world is really a harsh world, I've faced different people with each different personalities and in order to cope with these people is for me to create another me. A doppelganger, a darker counterpart of my own. I am not myself when I'm there. I have to become someone else, that is why sometimes I felt dragged, and unhappy.
Am I a hypocrite? No... it is just a way of adapting.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Honestly, I didn't miss that phase at all. It is like pitstop, more like a place to stop by and then leave when you finished. It is like poison, the name itself was nothing more to bring harm.
I realize that life is little there, perhaps none at all. But it is topsy turvy most of the time. Nothing was in order, everything was in the wrong place. It's like a train waiting to crash. It is full of strangers and pretenders. Everybody is hungry for people and they all have knives in their hand, ready to stab on each others backs. But it is a phase of learning, learn about people, learning the 'pre-reality' before stepping into the real reality. It gets worst.
Sometimes I am envious of people who actually live in the present. And they got by swiftly without scars or bruises. Evenly this will shape me into a more mature person which I was not in favor. I want to relive moments like a child in the cradle, they don't have to face all this. Always protected from the harms of reality.
Around these times happiness, is quite a rare visitor to pass by. At least come once in a while and say hello.