If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Sunday, January 31, 2010


Look at me, I will never pass to be a perfect son.
Can it be, I am not meant to play this part.

Who is that guy I see. Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection, someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide. Who I am.
Though I've tried.

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

Saturday, January 30, 2010


When I look at a plane on the blue sky, flew swiftly across the clouds. I've known that people in there are going to a destination. I want that, the feeling knowing where I'm going.

Friday, January 29, 2010


Sigh... like always. It is easier said than done.. D:

Thursday, January 28, 2010


World take me away, far away. Let me make my Great Escape!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


After what you did, I feel the urge to throw you out. Discard you from my life. I felt like I would be more happier when you're gone. Just maybe. I don't know you like I know you. You are a stranger to me now. Just what you did to me few years back, just maybe I'll do it to you just like what you did to me.
I am disgusted...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I just watched Oprah the Best Life, I don't know, maybe I'm seeking a little bit of inspiration from the experts.
The thing is I just found out what I am, they have a name for it. A Soul Seeker. Or a Soul Searcher. Finding a soul, they said that these peoples have lost their identity, or hid it with the Identity that wasn't ourselves. We become what we aren't created by emotions and problems that life throw at us. It shapes us into a Seeker, wandering and wondering if life could have been better. Creating infinite possibilities. We complaint about how our plans doesn't work out for us because we're hoping for something that we didn't have. We get mad and sad because we didn't have what we wanted. We couldn't see exactly, we couldn't accept what reality behold. Our life turned upside down, opposite from what we wanted because we are not becoming ourselves.
No wonder, I felt lost and my life became colorless. Just maybe thats the reason.

We often take things for granted, we always want the things that we already have. We actually lie to ourselves, deceive ourselves.

There are also when everything falls apart, what you plan turn inside out, your life went into a disastrous state. The first step is to see what situation are you in. Start with " Now I am still breathing." Still alive to turn things back to the course of our plans.

We also might lost something, or destroyed certain things, but to remember another lost is another gain.

Another thing I've learned is that I should create a Wishlist, I know many of you already have one. A wishlist on what to do/have in the future. And try to achieve it one by one, list out all the possibilities that life holds. And believe that we can make it come true.


I'm dying to go overseas, studying abroad. But it still about the money isn't it.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Backpacking around the world...

Saturday, January 23, 2010


Kita kata kita tak suka orang, macammana orang tak suka kat kita. Kita selalu mengumpat orang, macammana orang tak ngumpat kita. Kita selalu kutuk orang, macammana orang tak kutuk kita. Kita selalu marah orang, macammana orang tak marah ngan kita. Kita kedekut, macammana orang tak kedekut dengan kita. Kita backstab orang, macammana orang tak backstab kita. Kita hancurkan hidup orang, suatu hari orang akan hancurkan hidup kita.

What goes around, comes around. It always does.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Attending an adult meeting makes me feel old. Just come to think I will attend meetings like these when I have a career. Awkward moments, but try to blend in. At the same time, they make me feel young. Just the matter of time, they bashing me with responsibilities...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


"Semua orang macam dah hopeless and waiting for something magical to come."
- Bella-

I've always wonder what am I waiting for, I felt like there's somethings coming but not very sure of what it is. We wait... for how long? So you live in despair while waiting, is that it. You wait and wait and the thing you wanted doesn't always come. And you ended up in a very deep frustration.

We always wait for that one door to open, at the same time the open doors are closing. When it close's you'd miss that chance. And still you wait for that door in front of you to open, but it never open. That door is not for you. What are you gonna do when all doors are closed, what are you gonna do when you turn down on all of your chances. That chances might be better than what we wanted. That opened door might be better than the door in front of us. By waiting for this door to open gives you more satisfaction more than the others? It's not about how long you wait, its about what waits on the other side of the door.

Then again I wonder why we wait for a door to open, why couldn't we just lend a hand and just open it.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


well if its not real you cant hold it in your hands , you cant feel it with your heart i wont believe it. but if its true you can see it with your eyes even in the dark thats were i wanna be.

I couldn't take my eyes when the first it sat on it, same goes for the Astro B-Yond commercial. It is beautiful isn't it, very marveling created by our own imagination. A world called fairytale. I've always wanted to live in the world like that. Reminds me of the beautiful Pandora.
This song hold numerous meanings, indeed very deep. I found out that people have their own view of the song. Most of the comments on this video were confusions and such. Hard to understand the meaning underneath the lyrics.
Here's some of those perspective.

They aren't burying a little girl, they're burying her innocence..that's why the grave has things like little bunnies and stuff. They're just telling peopleto stay focused on reality rather than fantasies.

" Keep your feet on the ground, while your heads in the clouds."

Personally, I feel this song is about how when reality can be oppressive and hard to deal with, we crate our own worlds to try and forget. And how it never really works for very long, because things eventually catch up with us. The hole is like a grave, to bury the bad memories and the person you used to be.

I think the little girl is supposed to be her when she was younger. Younger girls generally are in their stage of innocence and believe every fairy tale that thy hear of... this song is showing how you cant believe in things that aren't real, so the little girl, who represents belief in things that aren't real, falls. Shes saying that she doesn't want to believe in those things any more.

I like the third comment the most, I guess it is true. Adults doens't have real fairy tales, they only have bitter realities, only children in their world created by fragments of their imagination.
Sometimes I wish that I was in a Fairy Tale land where everything is mesmerizing. Children believes in Fairy Tale, that is why they're all happy, adult only believe to face bitter reality, that is why their life is topsy-turvy.

Monday, January 18, 2010


In the past few days, I've dreamt on getting overseas.
I went to Paris, sipping coffee at a deli and a woman singing french song in front of me. The funny thing is, someone also dreamt of me on that same night, with the same place, overseas. Sometimes I wonder, for example if we dream meeting that someone at a garden, and that someone is also dreaming about us at the same place. I wonder if somehow they're linked. Just another way of contact.

Despite that I have already rejected the UK offer. As I walk in the travel store, for sure those who in there was definitely going someplace foreign. With that thick sweaters, mittens and stuff. Anxiety fill in their faces, foremost their plans must go well. Gosh, I wanted to travel so badly.
Kak Fiz, Abg Jan nak ikut pergi Beijing!! XC

Sunday, January 17, 2010


My eyes waltz around while browsing at the images appeared. Click after click I ponder around the plight of my days. So subtle and gentle, now caught off in the strong current of the Tsunami. It awakens me with a palpitating heart. My eyes trembled, and my life went humdrum.

This feeling is far too familiar for me. But this time I didn't want it to disappear instead to have it for me. My soul shriek with terror and excitement. Oh, how I could have this before the SPM. It can be twisted into a weapon. Such feel.

Friday, January 15, 2010


*Read from right to left.

These days, money makes the world go round. People have money can still continue their studies easily but those who doesn't have any profit have to work really hard to get it.

Even to get a job, they must take a look at your quality and academic achievements. People nowadays can buy P.h.d certificate without working hard on it, just only to have money. You can bribe them as well. Money is a source of greed and sins. But we need money, we need it almost for everything. Even going into a toilet. There's nothing free in this world.

I wonder thats why they called money, hard 'cold' cash. And those who have a lot of it are called, 'Filthy' rich.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


You hate this, but this is what you wished for.
Go ahead, claim your prize.


It's all about perspective isn't it. Sometimes we often mistook what other people see. Different eye, different view. Lately my view of the world becomes narrow. And to add it up, life has not been kind to me, lately. My shoulders felt heavy with all the burden and responsibilities that life put on me. The happiness fades.

Sometimes I felt like changing bodies, to experience what other people's life was like. And sometimes I felt like reading minds, to kill all the curiosities that ever appear. And sometimes I feel like stopping time so just I can take a deep breath out of this life's misery.

Lately, I have always wondered about the future. How could all these people still be happy when problems kept bashing on them. All of those misfortunes, financial problems, death and such. They still have that smile on their faces.

Sigh... I felt like life is sucking my soul out. My life is crashing to oblivion.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


The driving lesson was awesome but not a good start. The instructor first asked wether I have driven a car before. I said no, never. After a while he asked again, do you know how to drive. I said no. "Langsung!?" he replied. So what else can I replied, I am an honest person.

Then tiba2 dia suruh tukar tempat. I was like wtf..." Nak tukar tempat ke?". I was so petrified. So tukar jelah, then he teach me. Haha, first time driving, I know... bukan sesuatu yang dibanggakan. Mula2 banyak kali enjin mati. Huhuu... but it was hell fun, rasa nak tekan kuat2 je pedal minyak tu. But the day was hell boring, first I waited like 1 hour for the carpool to arrive, jalan jam. Then another hour waiting for my name to be called. Then another half and hour waiting for the instructor. I guess dzmah would go mad if she's me. :p.

I hate doing things alone, I felt lost. I need a friend. And I am not good in making any. I am not good with socializing that my mom once scolded me for it. I wish I could have Syai's talent in being so great in this ordeal. He's so friendly. Gah, I can't live without having someone besides me.

There was I alone, termenung je depan driving school tu... this just a driving school whatabout PLKN?? University?? Oh and one of the college guys called me, dia kata anda layak apa ntah, I was like blur... dia cakap pun aku x faham. I just 'aha', 'oh'.. then he called me 'sayang oi' in a bit of an angry tone. Man... I sucked at talking in telephones too...:(

Monday, January 11, 2010


Salam Satu Malaysia. You know, I've always wanted to be like the legendary late Yasmin Ahmad. I admire her commercials. Her artwork are unlike any other. She breaks the wall that divide us and eliminate boundaries. As you can see that most of her artwork is about life and unity. She capture both perfectly and turn it into a deep meaningful message. Most of her artwork is honest, true and off course at low budget without any cgi and what not. She truly unites the races in Malaysia, and coloring it with fusions of freedom pastels. Everyone loves her, well who doesn't.
Today I would like to express that one thing, the thing that had always traverse in my mind for quite a time. Races.
Honestly I have always envied the chinese races. The superior race. They always filled up job and universities application. Almost all great things in Malaysia were done by chinese. And off course scientifically proven that they are 'Rajin'. Some of them are really nice, I mean really nice!, and some just playing rude. (we're all the same)

Sometimes when they speak their language, which I do not understand act as an offense. And somehow taunting me in mocking way, so us who doesn't understand, felt uneasy for that reason.. or is it just me?

But I always wondered, how could they be the superior race. I mean, how they all be so rajin. Is it their mentality or tradition. And off course when becoming a higher ranked race off course we look down on the lower ranked. As a lower ranker, I felt the urge to defeat them, in grades or any matter. Most of the chinese I've spoken to always talked about money. Prosperity? I know. So is money's the answer. Is money that strive them to become successful?
Whatever the answer is, I've always learned something new from them. I want to become hardworking like them.

Us Malays was a tad different. The one good thing about Malay is they always steady. The word 'Redha' that what makes them cool. But I often see them lazying around, they truly are a lazy race. They always blame someone or something else eventhough it is their fault. Yes, it is the Malays, I wonder why they're lazy. Is it because the mentality? Tradition? or their name.
Me+Layu= Melayu.. you know like plant..:/

But there is this one thing that surprise me.

21 a's in SPM,Azali. Who's a Malay. I mean a chinese didn't get near as that. Whatabout those cartoon series Upin & Ipin?, sure bought quite large of an audience. And the director is a Malay as well. How about Lat? His comic book is sure was a hit. Yasmin Ahmad?

These people strive like the chinese and better. What push this people anyway? I want to become like them too. :/

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Meeting the past start to lay burden on me. My old friends, they came from everywhere. MRSM, BU and such. Those glossy schools that uphold such high reputations. For sure they are very smart, more open, and have wider scope of view. It shows me that the world out there is filled like many of those people. I know I will meet many of these so called rivals in the famous 'real world'. The feel of alienated, the feel of an outcast. Apart from the norm of the upper-class society. You don't have any stories to tell because you're no good. Whenever I go to a class or taking driving test. I felt this certain pressure is pushing down on me. People, you just don't know what they're capable of. It's like an animal or a plant, I guess we humans are the same. Surviving. Survival of the fittest they say.

Apart from this, lately I felt apart. I feel like everything look down on me. And I kept on wondering, what if.. that all those things we planned went horribly wrong. What if...

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Yesterday, we had a reunion picnic on the fields. But then it started to rain, but that doesn't stop us. There's only a few familiar faces appeared. I guess everyone's busy with work and their plans. I know what motivates me, one of the things. And it is simple too, hard to come by as well. But I can create it. Just need a friend.
Smile. One of the things that motivates me. Seeing my friend smile having good times really kinda makes me feel optimistic. Or maybe as a distraction? Never mind.
Friends are nice, pity for those who doesn't have any. They must have been missing a lot in life. Friends, it takes only seconds to make but it last for eternity. Listening to Kris Allen while browsing pictures really makes you feel like you should appreciate your friends more.
Okay... drifted away from the topic.
Okay so we're having that reunion, it was nice to see your old friends. Some have changed, others still keeping their old personalities. We talked about how we live, what plans for the future. Oh, how I wish it could be longer. It has been 5 years, somehow I couldn't believe that time really flew. This just give that infamous slap, that I have grown up and soon a new phobic emerge. The fear of getting old, then there's this so called mid-life crisis. hurmm.. sigh..
First it was raining, then in the end it was a mesmerizing sunset, and a rainbow. It is really beautiful. So beautiful that it shows, that the future can be as beautiful as that. Unfortunately, I didn't have any camera with us at that moment. I guess thats the miracle of it. Nature want us to remember the moments in sepia.

It was fun meeting the pasts, the future can always wait. Because it is the past that we treasure.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Us humans were born different, with different backgrounds and features. Some lived a happy life without a single drop of sweat. Some even trying hard to cheat death.
How often luck cheated on us, when we thought everything would be fine. Then our plan went inside out. There are situations where we need god to help us, although it is not impossible for us to do it ourselves. We still cry in our prayers asking for penitence in return for our problems to be solved. Problem is a concept that had been created by us. For how do we not know our own creations. Just when we thought the waters are safe, there is still snakes and crocodiles waiting to catch it's prey. What courage does we have that make us step into the water. or is it Curiosity?
There are certain things that I found happen without a reason... I was wrong... there are reasons behind everything that ever happen. But why this, why it is hollow and harsh.
It poison me alive. How can I see the invisible, How can I kill an immortal?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I see it, it is dark, a snow. Black mountains covered with snow, It's so cold... I'm shivering. I could get frostbite, I'm so cold, I can't feel my ears. My skin is pale... there are no shelter, no bonfire .only wide space of wasteland. There are houses but there's no one around. Like a ghost town. Empty. In the middle there is a firewood. I need warmth, I have no lighter, or a lantern that could lit up flames. It is really cold here,... it's really cold here in my heart.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Days passes swiftly without noticing the presence of humans. The absence of colors never flatter. Where are thou, thy beauty, thy grace. For days and days I have been missing you. Thus your absence never be so flattering. I am in full of doubts and wonder. Does god answer my prayers, I ponder. Seems to me that the storm is near. And so the news spread from ear to ear. Started out as a rant. Such impassioned way. I have waited, waiting for she feels like eternity.
Where are you pride? Where are you my woman.

Monday, January 4, 2010


It was mesmerizing at the exact moment. Just a simple smile,nonetheless. Very applauding on the core. It fades rather quickly but thoroughly. It just slide into the soul and produce a taunting melody, but in a good way. And again the melody lost into the ambience of the crowd. It is one of the source of inspiration. Just to see a friend smile regardless who she or he is, really makes me feel warm on the inside. Such giggle that make a man overcome his fears and limits.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


It was like watching something disgusting. Something terrible, yet oddly alluring. Like a house being set on fire. I didn't know what it was. My heart thrummed with adrenaline, and I panted as if I ran fifty miles. It was fusing through the line between now and the wall. It was nothing. It was something. It was the purest thing that now had to offer, the only thing untainted that I was able to see, yet more tarnished than the dregs of the world. A cry bubbled up through my chest, a scream. A laugh. My pupils dilated, and suddenly I saw everything.

I knew everything.

What it was...
What it would always be...
It was the portrait of insanity.


I once became fearless, that I'm not afraid of anything except god. The future, the present and even death. At this moment, it seems like the table had turned, looks like I'm afraid of everything. I must seek that moment. Grasp it, hold it tight, and just maybe life would be easier.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Nama Saya Ali (bukan nama sebenar), masa kecik-kecik dahulu sehingga sekarang saya ingin menjadi lanun, kelakar bukan, saya gemar merentasi lautan. saya juga amat meminati bidang seni lukis tetapi kurang mahir, Saya pernah memasuki seni layar disekolah, tetapi saudara-mara tidak menggalakan saya menjadi seorang pelakon. Saya gemar menonton wayang dan ingin menjadi seorang pengarah filem. Saya juga gemar melancong dan mencari pengalaman, tetapi takut untuk mendalami pengalaman baru. Saya juga mahu menjadi seperti bapa, tetapi masih kurang yakin tentang pekerjaannya, kadangkala saya ingin menjadi chef, tetapi saya tidak beberapa suka akan minyak kuali yang panas, saya juga gemar membaca komik, dan suka melukisnya, tetapi sering kering idea. Suatu masa dahulu saya ingin menjadi doktor, tetapi pada waktu itu, saya sudah gugurkan subjek biologi, dan saya tidak gemar melihat organ dalaman manusia. Rakan saya kata saya mahir mengambil gambar, jadi saya jadi jurufoto sajalah, tetapi ada juga sahabat yang mengatakan bahawa saya lebih kearah peguam. Kerana saya pandai menjawab. Saya juga mengambil 'career test' dan ia menyatakan bahawa saya lebih menjurus kepada kaunselor motivasi. Kadangkala saya terfikir untuk menjadi penceramah, tetapi cakap didepan pun sudah tergagap-gagap. Jadi macammana ini?

Dear Ali, I have read your letter about your situation. As humans we confront with many choices and our heads covered with clouds of doubt. Unfortunately I am in the same situation as yours. It sucks so bad, you got nowhere to go and spend days thinking bout it. I hope you live well. Glad to be any help.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Semalam aku mimpi apa ha? I think we went on a camp... ntahlah x ingat but it is nice.

So it is official 2010, a new year, the same phobic, same place but different situations.
I guess you were right. I'm scared of the future because it is hollow. The sense of unknown.
I am scared of alienated place. Yup, I'm scared because I don't know.

So officially 18,(probably), boleh tengok wayang PG, yup kalau dia mintak ic, bangga je keluarkan.

So here's 2010 resolution. I think I stay with 'living without regrets thing'.
And I add
'To achieve experience as much as possible.''
To increase my skill and ability
To become one step closer to the perfect utopia.
and added on along this year. Toodles.