ここは唯一の真実を言える場所なら、
偏らずに自分の思いを全て言います。

If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I guess around 6AM is the best way to write something, it's quiet, everyone's asleep. Your mind is at peace and you can work something or solve something out. You don't have to consume alcohol to forget, just take a look at the stars and you see yourself breathing again.

Everyone can be a tad proud of themselves, we made it this far. Claim a prize. It's like seconds after we leave high school, it's like the sound of a gun booming the sky in a marathon. Everyone is running, chasing each other, it's a race against the better future. But it's not us that we against but them. We are not running because we wanted to be the first among us, well some of us might feel that way but it's not. A first place in life against your friends doesn't make you king. It's all about winning against the future, against life.

Picture yourself as a wrestler, standing proud in the ring, the crowds cheer for you. Then your opponent appears, imagine life as a tall, muscular man. A fist from that guy will blow you down, he finally pin you to the ground.

In the rules of wrestling, you tap your hand to give up, to say that you can't take this anymore. But not in life, you don't tap your hand.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. "
-rocky balboa-

Friday, February 18, 2011


In this life we always wonder, and we'll never stop wondering of the possibilities and what not. Sometimes we even spin around too far, that small things can be a bigger problems when we think it that way. But that is just us thinking.
It's like war wages in our head, rambling through our minds. Ideas can be develop, problems can be solved. Nevertheless, we think about our dreams, our fears. But we are more to think the impossible rather than the possible. Thinking of impossible possibilities.

I always wonder what life ahead, what god have in store for us.

My mom called me just now saying that " She had a bad feeling."
I wonder what form of nature could that lead. She asked me whether I am alright. After she said that I tend to think of the possibilities, I have a bad feeling.
I kept thinking that some sort of disastrous scenario will happen to me. Thank god I am still alright.

It's beginning to rain nowadays, I miss everyone back home. Sometimes this world forces me to do something that is not myself. And you get pressurized by doing it and your mind starts to wonder how to play the enemy's game.

I want to be in the safe zone, I'm tired of this war.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Today I would like to mention something that is never-ending haunting. Which is death.
The black parade.
A friend of mine just lost a father, Innalillah, al-fatihah. To imagine something happened so sudden. Last semester, a dear friend of mine also faced the same thing and a close friend of mine just lost her buddy. Loosing someone you hold dear, I wonder what it feels like. We can't escape death. And one day the day will come. What will you do when the day come? Will you just spend your days crying. The pain must be excruciating. It's like a torment to the mind and body.
I've met so many people with the same tragedies. Some have changed because of it, for better or for worst. Back at camp we always have this what we call an open discussion, or ''the talk''. Where whoever wanted to share something can share in front and we all listen to the tales. Off course there is always those tear shredding moments. These strong people have faced so much.
And some of them have taken the role of a mother, not committing adultery but taking place as the mother when the mother is no more. Can you imagine that? And we all even raise our tone of voice to our own parents.

Have you watched CJ7? Yes, the chinese comedy movie starring Stephen Chow. If you watched it you'll find tear jerker scenes in it. Like when the father died due to the accident and the boy cried. Here it is. and english dub here.

Look at the boy, he doesn't have a mother and just lost his only father at a very young age. This maybe fictional but there are someone facing it at the other side of the world we don't know right?

Say, how would you feel when you have to face these farewells? I even cry when my cat passed away. I can't imagine...

" We only got 86 400 seconds in day to
turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying. "

Saturday, February 5, 2011


Everyone has set pace, and moving in their own way. Some are struggling with their studies that they have to isolate themselves from the world. And the rest of the world are coming along and few are against it. Soon we realize that our dreams are getting closer, some worked hard for it. Some others lay off instead.
Farewells are inevitable in our lives, we will face it eventually, with families, with parents, with friends and even our pets.
I can predict the future but I couldn't possibly imagine it. I wonder what it is like growing up, working, having a family and so on. It's like in those movies we've always watch on wednesdays. Those cheesy movies about love and family affairs. We might laugh at it for the moment, but eventually we'll have to face it.
I missed my old school and the Templer camp, everyday I'm reminded of my daily routine there. I missed it, the moments where we sit around the table and talked our way to the future. We dreamed so much back then, with all the big talks. Off course some of them still carry their dreams and some might let go.
No matter how hard we try back then, we all are united with the fact that it is all played by fate.
Fate bought us to what we are.
What if.

We were in a whole new situation? What if somehow I decided not to continue my studies and go to work, what if I didn't go to the university and take form 6 instead. Things can be quite different can they?
I won't be able to become what I am today, wouldn't it. A total butterfly effect.
What if you weren't reading this, you'd probably be doing something else wouldn't it?

But whatever it is, anticipate the future loves.
No matter how horrible the storm is, we'll get through, we'll be alright...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


We watch slowly as ourself grows. Slowly embracing the adulthood. I was never glad with the term of being an adult. A friend of mine from another country was quite surprised about my age and singlehandedly give me the title " adult ". I do believe that I am still young, I've never faced mid-life crisis before and thus reminded me when I was a little kid. I wanted to be a scientist. Back to the days where dreams comes to life. But as I grew up, I lost that childhood dreams. And it's like the feeling of losing my old self.

Changes in life are unavoidable. We may not notice but changes occur everyday in our lives. Not a single thing is constantly the same. We may be afraid of changes, but those changes make a better me, depends on how you interpret it.

There were times, I felt I lose grip to my dreams but hope is that keeps me going.
Like when you lost in the forest, or trying to score at the last minute of the game. Hope is the thing that kept us going, when we realize that there is hope, we kept striving until we own it.
But not all some people have hope, but still every cloud have a silver lining doesn't it?
When all hope is lost, comes faith.
Have faith in everything, because eventually faith will turn to hope.

It's amazing that we have come this far, can you remember what you have been through. The ups and downs of life. What you have experienced are constantly shaping you to what you are today. Take a moment and ask yourself.

What have you obtain from this life?

What have you become now?

Have you have any regrets?

Can you make change ?

Have you disappoint someone before?

Have you been proud of yourself?

What have you accomplished so far?

What have you not?