I have just made someone precious in my life cried. Undoubtedly I couldn't forgive myself for that. I realize it now that I've been hearing problems from everyone, my friends, They have always shared their problems with me regardless, about the past, the present or the future. Their love life, their plans, and the past mistakes that they did. I've listened to their stories, their problems and tried my best to help them. But I'd never realize that I never shared those things with them until today, the thoughts and my problems had turned into poison. And poison me, I almost died inside. And things that I have destroyed can never be turned back. Or maybe they can. Only if I had enough courage to reverse all my mistake. But I know myself for so long, that I was a coward.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Suddenly I felt this hatred came flowing through my veins burning my heart with temper. I was so angry with no obvious reason. It just happen, everything I do doesn't seem to be right. Or maybe I have done it using the improper way.
" As you grow up you felt like nothing change, but when you look back it's not the same. "
I feel like I am against the world, nothing was in it's rightful place. Everything was torn apart.
Leaving ashes and frayed circumstances. And soon to be bombed by luck.
And it was made to look like an accident and I'm the one who to be blamed.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I don't like how it turned out. It's like a re-incarnation of nightmares. A carnage of dreams. Legions of it. I hate it. I hate it, so much. I want to get out, make that great escape. To someplace where dreams are made of in this world. And there is no limitations to what I can do. A place where I can be truly free.
Maybe it is just a harsh rain pouring on december 5th. But the streets were never so gloomy, it's like provoking me with it's smile. I felt taunted, intimidated by the skies. And the sun never seems to have that old warm smiles it used to have, and greet me every morning with it radiance.
The clouds are fading away maybe because it is sad, or maybe I am.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I need to clear my head up, unwind like I did the other day. I felt relax and tranquil sitting alone at someplace else, slurping some chocolate shakes watching ice skaters slide by. Seeing couples holding hands, seeing business man with their phones, or just simply children with infinite cravings in those innocent eyes.
There were a lot of things that I can observe, with the cold breeze flowing through. Such a sanctuary it felt, so calm and peaceful although with all the noises and mumblings but it felt very quiet inside my head. The specs and dust had been cleared up. I can go through my deepest thoughts without anyone to condemn.
In such state, I can determine more possibilities and differentiate for what is wrong and what is right.
I can feel light coruscating from beneath slowly, eating the darkness within. But terribly the state I am in doesn't last long. Soon it fades and mists of doubts came flowing in. Then again I need to find that place with such state.
Monday, November 22, 2010
My enthusiasm for life, my hunger for dreams seems to be fading away. There were only seconds when it came flowing in but then lost along the way. Now I wonder upon the stars whether my life had gone astray. Or maybe my mind is unwind and my dreams sway.
I wipe my glasses and took another glances. Whether the ashes that I buried. Upon the sands on the pavement streets. With much guilt and remorse, I wonder should I rejoice. Upon broken fragments of memories, or upon shattered fairy tales and foretold stories.
Thus there were moments that I have got it figured, in a world that is disfigured. Filled with prejudices and lies, and let the time slip and flies.
Upon kindness and good will, upon the walks and the stills. Upon regrets and depression.
What is it that I want? Probably the things that I rant. Infinite impossibilities that I had predict.
Only to be followed by a judges verdict. And yet I never tried, never stood for myself. To friends nor foes nor thyself.
My mind is filled with rambling questions, of how to make and how to destroy. Questioned by infinite choices till this time I still wonder and never chose. Can I control my future across the streams or just go with the flow and let it be out of the seams.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A friend of mine said that a friend can divided into 3.
The first one is 'medicine';
Simply like medicine, it helps you. It relieves you. But you can't have too much of it. Overdosage can bring you a lot of harm.
The second one is 'Poison';
No matter how hard you try it will always bring harm to you. This is a type of friend that you should avoid.
The third one is rice;
Something you can't live without.
So cherish your friends and families. They are you backbone. Pillars that supports you.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Since I have nothing to write, let me share you what I dreamed of last night, it is not easy to remember dreams more like a nightmare this one. (note; this story was from a dream I have, none of them are real or could be) dedicated to my high school friends.
We were at Toys r us searching for something a present, an outing to celebrate dzmahs farewell.
Faisal with Atiqah filzah they were both smiling, *note that this part I couldnt remember well.
Bella on the other hand, was sad, she seems disturbed, so I went to her to comfort her. We talked, then suddenly, I saw a woman in dress run across the entrance. It was Taylor Swift, she ran, and without any doubt I ran to chase after her. When I ran out of the store, I saw Dyrah n dzmah was chasing too.
Then the scenario switched, taylor opened the door, we arrrived at our school, section 4. She climbed the walls of the corridor and stand there, looking down, as if about to do suicide. Note; we were on the 3rd floor; highest floor above the staff office. But the building seems rather different than the ones I know.
Anyways did I mentioned section 4 is on fire. Yes, it was burning. I remember myself wearing the MPM outfit, the green shirt., holding a key. Everyone was looking at taylor swift from below, in shock, off course. Bella was crying, everyone was staring.
So I ran off to save Taylor, ( I was behind her then, but now I am below her, such twist.)
So I ran but there are fires everywhere, with much courage I went through, there were moments where syairazi tried to stop me, saying noooo!
The building is like a maze, it changed itself. I ran to the stairs seeing all those juniors. Note; That I was above the staff office building), I quickly make it to Taylor. (Note; before this Taylor was at block Elite our classes in form 5 but then she is above the staff office
Before I could reach her, she made the jump. Everyone was screaming, She fell on the ground, then something happened here I could not remember well. But there were this song Amazing by Taylor Swift, is there any? I presume not since it was a dream. Then I woke up. Thats the end of it.
I dreamt of this twice just so you know, a premonition? A clue of some sort? Or maybe Im thinking about something too much that it went on in my sleep. Whatever it is, I have no idea on it. I'll leave it to you guys for the thinking.
Monday, November 15, 2010
There were times I ponder whether I have made the right decision, and sometimes I wonder what god had planned for me. I became more and more further away from myself. All hopes, lies and the fading cries. What can I obtain from this journey, I couldn't not understand. No, not at all.
There were times, I stopped believing in dreams, stop believing in myself. I lack of something, something I do not know. But I am not the one who is taking for granted, no not me.
There were times, something I wished, is something I don't want or need later on. I was surprised that none of it ever worked out. Whether I made the right choice all this time.
There were times, I asked myself whether I was happy. Honestly, I do not know the answer.
Not a clue...