If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Time flies does it, in a blink we've already reached the end of the year. We have been through loads of ups and downs and those twists and turns. And some of it have mend us to a different shapes and sizes. The choices we made and the mistakes that we've done. Time proceeds, we have to follow. I've achieved what I wanted this year but also lost some of it along the way.

So what I wanted to improve in 2011 is:

- I wanted to strive in whatever I am doing.
- I will make more friends and less enemies.
- Hide my ego and stay humble as possible.
- I will complete my artworks and sharpen my skills.
- Be punctual
- Take risk and go for chances.
- Try to make choices easier to pick.
- Find a lover.
- I will take care of my health.
- No last minute assignments.
- Start a day with a smile.
- I will stay fit, jog min 3 times a week.
- Take care my bond with my friends and family.
- Help those who in need more.
- pray more
- less complaining
- Write more in my journal
- learn to say no


1) A new hard disk
2) laptop
3) sony psp
4) DLSR camera with zoom lens.

We can imagine everyone celebrating new year, some held their own party and invited their friends over, some drive along and see fireworks along the road, some went to special events, some just celebrate at home with their closest relatives, some probably strive in fear being mugged, some probably shooting bullets and bombing places, some may be battling with fatal disease, some might be having the hardest time of their life, some doesn't even care.

Years is different in each and every people's lives. Some may celebrate it happily and others are struggling to survive this year. I hope that next year will be a good year like previous ones, and may it become better.

Dear 2011, please be kind to us. Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Another year has come and gone again,
look around
and think where have you been,
Trace the Lines, on your face tonight
And don't forget that this will pass in time.

It's cold out this morning,
you should be getting into bed
Curled up tight, a darker shade of white.
Thinking back could be here for a while.
And it's getting harder to pretend,
can't believe it's that time of the year again.

Can you believe the life you led?
Did you achieve the goals you set?
Did you lose your mind?
Well and then.

Is there a reason you own them.
It is a season that won't end

Another year has come and gone again
Look around and wonder what happened.

-sick puppies; That Time of Year-

Friday, December 17, 2010

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.

I believe life has its toll on us. Life throws many things at us, from all angles, of all kinds. It’s not so much of what is being thrown at us that makes us ‘us’ but more of how we deal with it that actually shapes ‘us’. Eveything that life has thrown at us is a test. Be it sadness, happiness, frustration, anger or joy. It’s actually a test for us to gauge and determine what’s our level from to time to time.

You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones they are never as big as you make them how to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal, those are the days that end up being the biggest. And today was something, it was beautiful… perfect!

I had one of those beautiful days today, which are meaningful days as we speak. Everybody shares their thoughts and their deepest concerns. I've realize that I am a good listener, but a bad sharer. I often kept things for myself, I don't know why but it poisoned me like it did the other day. It was fun riding pointlessly sharing tears of life and laugh at the side of it.
We talked about marriage, family affairs and love. I actually have no idea how challenging their life can be with all the divorce and broken families. But they have face it and clearly they have become stronger. Well, everyone is hoping for a life without pain but pain is there for a reason.

Life's like that. No matter how bad things are, u just gotta go on and live with it. keep on plastering a smile when u face the world eventhough deep inside u know for sure that ur soul has been dead long time ago. Believe that there is always happy endings. We are facing towards adulthood now, the do's and don't. It's seems like it was yesterday, that I was in standard 6. Now all grown up.

Childhood is the time when we can build castles in the sky, see elephants and monkeys in the clouds, play with tadpoles, jump on our matresses to our heart's delight, ask why the sky is blue, roll in the dirt, and play with trucks and dolls; it is a time when memories are made and friendships established.

Some said that our childhood is the beginning of our creative nature and ambitious desire to enjoy life and succeed in it. In childhood we find the essential and fundamental ingredients for a healthy life.

We could learn from them.. Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do..

I've always been scared of the future, but sometimes for a short moment I felt optimistic about it.

But It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose. Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then some how, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again. Life's roller coaster. We all just have to Hang tight.

We love different things and different people, and sometimes it is hard to understand why other people love the things they do. But at the end of the day we are all united by one fact: our little hearts can get broken by those we love, and they often do. And when they do, we can't help but sing about it.

What if the person that u love doesn’t love u back the way u want it to be? Would it be worth to love someone without expecting anything in return? Even the least we could expect is to love me the way i love u? And within the same period of time, u met someone else that u like/fancy and that someone likes u back, probably there’s a chance of something might develop from there? Which way would u choose? Round the circle and back to square one?

Have u ever been caught in such situation? Where u have to choose. Make the ultimate choice on which way to go. To stay or to leave. To hold on or to let go. Well, i guess everyone has their own reason for the choice that they have to make. It's either for the sake of themselves or for the sake of everyone around them. Is it worth gambling such risk? Probably it is. Even for short term happiness. And it would be a lifetime bonus for long term happiness. Lucky bastards. And who wouldn't want that?

But the question is, would u ever know whether u make the right choice? Such risk.

There is that apartment I lived in, somewhere in Japan. not too deep into the city. With four people living inside. Two guys and two woman. Me and a calm and collected guy. A feminine happy-go-lucky girl and her tomboy friend. A playstation 3 hooked up on the television, and countless games taunts ourselves to play. Eating instant noodles and watch the girls doing the dishes. A cozy room with a heater and a magnificent view of the city below. Four seasons changing, spring winds blowing through the window, hitting the chimes with a calming melody, then the blazing summer, we would go by the beach. Eating watermelon sorbet and wash ourselves by the waves. In fall, we will sat under the sakura trees, watching those pink petals falls one by one. And in winter we would skate on the ice and having that christmas party with a small christmas tree in our house. Trading gifts. Celebrating their customs and their festivals. Watching fireworks and cheer loudly anticipating a new year. Call my friends and family back home, asking about their well-being and tell them how great it is and wish they could be here. Then wander ourselves by creating numerous new goals and dreams.

In the morning, the girls would prepare breakfast, and warm green tea. We chatted ourselves and enjoyed our meals thoroughly. Then we make way to the train station as we go forth to our college or workplace. Busy train rides in the morning while watching the vast view through the window. We had our time learning and doing our projects. Then we stop by at stores or the mall browsing delicate needs. Eating the best sushi for lunch, and make ourselves comfortable at home.

At night we bought the latest dvds and watch it together all four of us. And plan ourselves for a trip. Then we go out at the park, lying on the ground and look at the stars up above and ponder for a moment, what is in store for the future...

This are pieces and fragments of my dream. An imaginative view how my perfect utopia would be. Everyone must have once imagine themselves in a perfect life. Sometimes they're too adaptive to reality that they forget what dreams is really is. Sometimes it is beneficial to dream.
What yours are like?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I remember back in the time, where I was a little child, playing with sands and dirt, riding my bicycle everyday, crossing roads and put all the blame on the maid. Till my first love, on primary school. Learning and make empty promises. Stealing drinks and money from the vending machine. Playing those so called 'digi-vice' and those 'Tamiya' race cars.
Then I went up aboard high school, it was not much difference. This is where I can determine whether someone is worth trusting. There a bunch of drama in this period, bitterweet moments shared for five years. This is where people started to know themselves and making goals.

I remember when we about to leave that school, the last day. It was ... ... ... sad. We were literally attached to that place. The memories that we shared, the laughters the time we spent were irreplaceable.

Even at the National Service, friends there were a lot different. There we are forced to look or each others backs. We help each other out but everywhere, anywhere there is always room for backstabbers. Undeniably only for three months, and even we are trained rough by soldiers, we still cry at the end.

Until now, in my university days. I've grown so much. We are getting busier as we grow. And later on we will move on whether we like it or not. With marriage and jobs, there are slim chance to meet with your old friends. Soon you realize that new friends are different than the one you used to spent your days with. Make time for you loved ones, it's all you have, for the moment.

Monday, December 13, 2010

You will never enjoy your life,
living inside the box
You're so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations
force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation
it's time for you to seize the day.
Instead of just sitting around,
and looking down on tomorrow
you gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now.
Try to have no regrets
even if it's just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead
if you keep living behind
Stuck in my same position
you deserve so much more
There's a whole world around us
just waiting to be explored.

The world will force you to smile,
I'm here to help you notice the rainbow
cause I know,

What's in you is out there.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Look at me, look at me in the eye and tell youself. Don't mind my british accent. Now I'm asking you, are you really honest about your feelings? Maybe you did all these things, as a term of distraction. See, you even talk to yourself now. What are you doing exactly, and why do you feel that way. Have you regretted something in the past or are you hoping for something in the future. Or is it the present that you most unaware of? Have you done something wrong?
Why are infected with guilt and why are you are all like this?
All torn up into shreds.

You want to know who I am?
Well, lad, I am your subconscious.

I'm the one who's minding the mind.
I am independent, unlike you,

I have a purpose.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Past week have been quite a rough ride. All the evil happened, emotions mixed up and the roller coaster ride that is never ending. Filling my mind with rambling questions, having headaches and I get angry all the time. Moodswings and PMS like moods are turning around and round. A whole rounded up feelings of despair and anxiety. The feel of sadness entwines and twisted and it bring horrid results. A gloomy day, and everything became lifeless, sunken. Reading ,playing games and all of it doesn't seem to satisfy this heart of mine. I have tried feeding this soul, but it seems to be more hungry, having this hunger for something I don't know of. It seems like past few days I've been searching and looking high and low for the puzzle pieces.
And just maybe, it wasn't all those emo probes, coaster moodswings. Or maybe these dull sensation or greyish pastel view. Maybe it's not about all those rants I used to ramble about. Maybe it's not outdoors that I'm longing. Maybe it's not about future problems. Maybe it's not about everything mentioned above. Maybe and just maybe...

Maybe I'm just lonely.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I pause myself for a moment to think and see where I am, or what I am. As I grow up, I realize that fairytales and dreams are harder to believe, I've faced reality and it is full of disappointment. It has been years since my childhood. I see changes in everything nowadays.

Especially people around me, most of them are not the same person as they were before.
Even my sister, already showed drastic changes. As far as I know it, she never care how she looks before, she never wore make-up. Now, she is a different person, although that seems to bring up some good things like enhancing her self-esteem. But at the same time I can see ego is taking place.
I can also feel that some of my friends are changing, into better or for worst. Most of them went to college and turned into another person. Living with the title hedonisme, they're always in the pursuit for pleasure while some of them create an image just to blend in. Some of them turned into a new leaf and others simply stays in the same position as they were before.
Frankly speaking, it's not them to be blamed. I think I have grown old enough to understand that nothing last forever. When the time is ripe, time will change everything. Including myself.
But I'm not too fond of changes, it's better having the original because certain things were better before.

Eventhough I have this fear of changes but I know I'll have to face it eventually. Because changes are a part of reality and reality is where I lived in.

" Sometimes you just sit at home and remember the old times.
You laugh by yourself with a ridiculous smile.
Then you have that one tear run down your cheek cause
all of it changed. "

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Days passed by and I realize that my holiday is lapsing. The worst part is that I am still in the same condition. It gives me headaches. I couldn't stop thinking. And the silly part is I couldn't understand what am I putting my head into so much. It drove me insane.
I have this mixed feelings and my view seems to be dull, blunt. Someone precious once asked;

" Are you happy? "

I said I was, but the truth is that I don't know. I have most of the things I needed but it doesn't seem to satisfy myself. I tried to feed this poor soul of mine, but it seems to be hungry for something I don't know of. I'm sick. I have done so much, and I am at an end. All in vain.
So I'm sending an S.O.S. Help.

I asked for strength...
And god gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom...
And god gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity...
And god gave me brain and energy to work.
I asked for courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome
I asked for love..
And god gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for favors...
And god gave me opportunities.

I receive nothing I wanted.
But I received everything I needed.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

We had an amazing gathering last night, serving grilled chicken on the evening on top off some mashed potatoes, and Pepper Pastas. Surrounding the fire and chat it all out about the pasts while roasting dozens of marshmallows. Hearing silly jokes, seeing ridiculous stunts, and calling up names. We talked about our schooldays, the bittersweet moments we used to share. Trading tales and stories, and updating the latest news about themselves. It was a joyride on it's own.
Until we started to realize that it all went through so fast, reliving the olden days are almost impossible now, realizing that it's a fair game, we went through our days and it's time someone else's should have the same taste. Undeniably, we are moving forward without even realizing it.
And soon we aged through the days, imagine another reunion around 10 years to call. How do we look till then, how many children do we have or do we even get married.
But now, we only have to live the time we had and appreciate those little things we often take for granted. Life is a ride itself.

" Time is the coin of your life, it is the only coin you have,
and only you can determine
how it will be spent. "

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind, wanting to start again.

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,
like a house of cards, one blow from caving in.

Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under,
scream, but no one seems to hear a thing.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you,
cause there's a spark in you.

You don't have to feel like a wasted space,
you're original, cannot be replaced.

Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed,
so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road.
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know.

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night, like the fourth of July.

"Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it."

I just love clicking to those traveling channels, and even in bookstores I never fail to stop by the travel and language section. It's just that the world beyond mine tends to be more fascinating. And such experienced they had gained by those travelers and tv hosts, don't forget the contestant of the amazing race. See how they can overcome many challenges and feel the world. Although it gets me excited, it's not much as the real feeling rather then watching them in pixels or in papers.
I want to experienced it, with my own hands, see it with my own eyes. What a world out there, climb a mountain in peru, bungee jump on the grand canyon, lying on the wide grass at new zealand, scope the stars in egypt. It's truly another world. Far from what we have experience.

I want to learn history and experience their culture, I want something different than what I have experienced on my daily basis. I've known people who traverse to amazing place and when they get back they told this ridiculously amazing journey that they had. As I stood and listen, I felt like what am I doing, I should go out.

Life can't be considered living the fullest if you just live.

It rains often here, it brings this sorrow feel to it but at the same time it drenched away pain. After it fades I went out for a jog, I wonder how far can I run without stopping. I felt that I am with the wind, clearing my mind as I go through. I've realized that it is almost a year now, it's december. Time flies, does it?

This year, I've seen myself and my friends were all facing difficulties and yet some of them are the opposites. Most of them having trouble with their current friends. Hypocrites to be specific. They have all stated their problems but I couldn't lend them a hand. Honestly, even at college I couldn't determine which are my friends and which are my foes. It's like the game of checkers, everyone is trying to eat each other. It's not that I hate them, it's just not the same friends that I used to have. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and not used to it. But realizing that everyone else suffers the same consequences.

I've been through a lot this year, like the roller coaster, I have gone through it's ups and downs and those twists you often don't like. I made some new friends at my college and also have made a lot of people cried this year, from tears of happiness to the despairs. I didn't realize that I was destroying precious things around me as I move. It hurts that is all that I can tell, surrounded by guilt. The most haunting feeling that you can have.

I still can't stop thinking. Figuring something I don't know off. It's like solving mathematical questions which includes infinite numbers. It drove me insane.