If only this is the place where I can say the truth,
without any prejudice I will say everything I feel.

Friday, October 31, 2008


I can't do my exams why?
I have forgotten what I have learned. Maybe my heart is darken...
well at least I am study!

Listening to Sexy Back while studying History...

I bring your history back,
the mesopotamian don't know how to act.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Damn, Information Communication  Technology really worries me out.Plus the art exams was really bugging me. The pressure is rising tad slowly but it will end a couple of weeks though. The examination pressure plus the heat pressure plus this uneasy pressure plus this disease pressure plus this nightmare pressure. and currently listening to My Chemical Romance-Under Pressure... Good song though. Anyway it turns out I want an inspiration! My life has been dull and nowhere since the exams. Looks like somebody about to explode from pressurized dull life.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Have you ever planned something and it turned out very-very horribly wrong...
well I have...
and I called it an epic Failure...
I'm a bit stressed lately.
The rising pressure from the exams.
the future I'm holding is about to drop.
I think I have some sort of undiagnosed disease.
In worst case 'Diabetic'.
another epic failure.
today is a bad day.
but it ends blissfully happy.
I'm worried.
I need an inspiration that keeps me going.
or make me.
I have this feeling I want to let out.
but unable to.
I planned to wear glasses all the time.
because some stranger say that it is 'cool'.
I kept my long hair.
its weird that not a single person notify me.
I feel a bit uneasy.
Is it me or the heat is rising.
oh another global warming.
Another epic fail on art exams.
my envious side is starting to have.
a mind on it's own.
It's scary that disease have millions.
I love piano.
Just watched 'Lovaholic'
I feel the need to go travel.
especially Japan.
Have you wondered why Malaysian is so.
calm and safe.
Well I know.
A teacher told me so.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I feel a slight pain in whose shall not be named.
and the third key is taking place...

Monday, October 27, 2008


A few days past I've been playing Online Games and chat with my Pen-Pals...
damn...I GOT to go study...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


I just watched the first episode of a japanese drama series 'One Litre of Tears' such a sad Drastic story.

The drama is an adaptation of the diary of a Japanese girl named Aya Kitō, who suffered from spinocerebellar ataxia. She began keeping a diary at the suggestion of her doctor, and continued to write until she could no longer hold a pen. The diary, titled1 Litre no Namida, was published shortly after her death.

This drama is based on the real-life struggles of a 15-year-old girl named Aya Kitou who suffered from an incurable disease, but lived life to the fullest until her death at 25. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen. The book that later followed entitled One Litre of Tears has sold over 1.1 million copies in Japan alone. Aya Kitou proved her courage and positive attitude towards an uncertain future when suffering such an illness, spinocerebellar ataxia. The drama spans a decade, during which she graduates from school while her conditions worsen.

The story begins as Aya prepares for the new semester. Despite being happy, she suffers from slight physical problems, which only her mother seems to notice. However, one day, she falls unconsciously on the floor.

After she is sent to the hospital, she is shortly diagnosed with the disease. Despite the fact that she is diagnosed with the terminal illness, she does not lose the will to survive.

She still makes friends with others, including her first love, Yuji. She later develops an interest in Haruto. Although somewhat cold, Haruto was still kind to her. Meanwhile, her health continues to deteriorate.

Knowing that she will not survive for long, she returns the gift Haruto has given, who discovers the fact when he reads the love letter that Aya gave him.


Today our additional mathematics teacher can't stand to us anymore.I mean a half an hour lecturer and thanks to him I got another answer ''Initiative''. That it is what I have been thinking a lot lately. The ability to access thing independently, the power to act or change before others do, an act to resolve a difficulty or to improve one's situation. That is one of the key. Thank you dear teacher. In my mind there is 3 answers now. ''Hardwork'', ''Initiative'',''don't give up''!
Finals are just in the corner and I did not study a single dust. Well this is where initiative takes place.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Finally I will be a full pledge prefect as a leader to the students. Come to think of it, it is another role that I am playing. The role of a leader, a son ,a brother , a man ,a guy, a students, ahope... These role are played in the best drama, the best play and that is my life. Life is the bestmovie and those roles in it played depends on the choice we made and the planning of thedirector.I do wish somehow I could switch roles and be another person. Just to have a taste of their life, what they feel, and what they see about this life of them. I want to see the world withother peoples eyes. If somehow I could switch bodies around whenever I want to. 
Another topic is, I finally find the answer for me of my lacking of happiness. I am not happy with my life is because I am not happy with myself. True happiness is to be happy with yourself. I realized that I am happy with the things I get, the life I get, the friends I get but I am not  getting anything from myself. I am dissapointed with myself because not be able to compete with the superiors. I have finally wake up and I will start continue living with pride and glory. But how will I learn  to appreciate myself? 

Monday, October 20, 2008


I'm hearing a lot of piano tunes lately, and I kept wonder to buy a keyboard. The thing is, depressing pianic themes soothe me,somehow... It's not that I am sad, I'm just not happy as I usually do. I mean my life is almost perfect, it's good and all, but it lack something big, and I am still finding that 'one' miraculous blank spot so that I can feel it with happiness. And everyday I experimenting on what that it is still missing but I know one day I will find the definite solutions. People said that I am too serious hence go enjoy life with fun and games. And I only could reply ''Been there, done that''... But thankfully hope still shines on me. This life period of mine is giving me a sigh and I come out with dozens of solutions but those hypothesis cannot lead to experiments especially not right now.
Each day I came back from school and ponder that one day I have the life that I wanted, that I have dreamed. And kept thinking on Mr.Kamarul's word ''Hard work is everything''. But this selfish self of mine won't let it. And this new phobic of mine against time, will it let me hold my dreams or it will stop and perish every dream in this world.Only god knows how the world manage and how I feel. And thus Life goes on.

Friday, October 17, 2008


There is this person who tells a story that reflects loneliness apart from what we have encountered...
this person opens my eye and made me become more grateful than before...
"I been through a lot this week my dad died yesterday, my grandma died today,My mom is in the hospital.My cat died 4 days ago...he died from cancer"I miss everybody i feel so alone now,It's now me and my sister *we never talk much*... 
(and my aunt that i am staying with,just in a car crash)...by tomorrow it's my 14th Birthday but i don't feel like celebrating anything but what can i do...I lost everyone in my family.."

If you ever feel lonely and want to die just from losing something or someone... you feel want to kill yourself for such ridiculous thing... think twice...at least you don't lose everything...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


I came back as fast as I could...
I flung the door open wide
in my room a white canvas of infinite possibilities is waiting for me,
I took a medium and start to draw my dreams on it...
it was satisfying...the feeling was unbelievable.
then I take a second look at the drawing,
it was blank...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


I've got another confession to make,
I'm no fool.
Everyone got their chains to break,
I needed someone to hang my head,
without your noose, 
and you gave me something I didn't have.
but I have no use for it.
I was too weak to give in,
Too strong to loose.
My life is under arrest again.
but I break loose.
but I can't choose.
I swear I will never give in...I refuse...
Has someone taken your faith.
It's real,the pain you feel.
The life, the love.
you die to heal.
The hope that starts
the broken hearts.
you trust,you must.
the best of you...


When all hope is lost,
and find yourself in a mess,
seek the truth and stay on the path you stand,
success comes a few steps away before you give up.
do what you believe in to do.
no matter how painful and writhing can it be.
stand there and take it step by step.
if you leap you will fall.
thus take a few steps and seek the truth you have spoken,
heroes eventually fall but they are never defeated,
if all you can do is run.
and yes, running is the best way to survive,
running makes you stay away from the problems you faced.
but how far could you can run before you get exhausted.
and eventually the problems you left and you face it again.
hide,but where will you hide,
like a coward and step to foolishness.
and as you see love can always hurt.
and it will hurt you more and more.
heartbreaks are not for ones to suffer.
the cut will go deep as you allow them.
the main stream is not to survives heartbreaks but to learn from it...


A few days back at Amir's.
I took a deep glance at those girls,
It reminds me how we have grown,
they used to be 8 in a group right?
but Where did the person missing,
and it reminded me also time changed,
plans changed and so the people...

While sipping my drink.
I took another glance at them.
On how much we are different.
And I saw Nadia with a familiar necklace.
and it reminds me on our days with the drama crew.
on our memories in the culture room...
and I kept thinking... we should do that often.
regarding the days of triumph.
If it isn't for the drama, I wouldn't get to know Nadia 
or tighten the bond with my friends.
I also didn't get full marks for english and malay language oral,
and come to think of it.
what if I didn't put my name on the drama list.
it is like... one choice you make makes a big impact 
on your life...
what would it be if I wasn't one of the 'crew'?
or what if I went to tahfiz school instead of seksyen 4 after UPSR?
and never made it with some good friends I have now..
come to think of it...
only lies a infinite question marks...

Monday, October 13, 2008


What is this... this feeling,
such angst,
such dread and ill,
the things that I have thrown out,
returned and betray me,
Lust reigns through my mind,
and kept wondering what it is,
envy sleep in my heart and stay there,
maybe forever,
I hold a handful of jealousy,
though I am holding it tight,
I have a pocket full of hatred,
and it lost me with it maelstrom,
my sight can only be seen by greed,
and though it hunger for more,
where is my saviour,
or is it me that been a saviour for this time,
or is it me that opened the box of demise...

Sunday, October 12, 2008


A mannequin tied,gagged,blindfolded and helpless,
her freedom locked in a cold hard cage,
the darkness bring fear,
and fear swept away with darkness,
and nothing could it do,
leave it static,
then to remain there forever,
easy to get in, impossible to get out.
and again forever it will be there,
and dead,
but the memories live on,

Saturday, October 11, 2008


As I gathered my wisdom
but nevertheless they are just words.
from the sea of lies,
but what are they exactly.
a mere illusion from a ventriloquist,
as they bring remarkable lies.
to our ears and leave them as it was.
if my words are purest truth.
but my heart fill with forest of lies,
it's up to you to find the way out,
from the lying misery.

Friday, October 10, 2008


hour by hour wasted,
and I wish to stop time,
hence it will let me think perfectly in static mirror.
but it is just rather uncatchable.
seeking what's left,
or is it me that is too perfectionist,
and again I am lost.
but where will it go,
the dreams we have fought.
and we retreated,
but the dreams never were,
we are a mirage to them,
they are like a mirror reflecting,
us for what we are,what we stood.
they stand but we have fallen.
I have fall again,
I have every might to stand,
but I am lost,in a mere reality.
I betrayed you before,
you are heartless but I'm not.
then I came back to your heartless self,
and keeping you alive.
but instead I can't hold every of you.
only one is fair...
but which one is the fairest...


A-Abdul Razak
H-Hussein Onn
A-Abdullah Ahmad badawi

what's next...a premonition...
''Najib memusnahkan Malaysia''

Thursday, October 9, 2008


I woke up today,this morning.
I'm still alive,
turn up my radio to start up a new day.
but the damn DJ shattered,
how to survive.
amazing news got over on the airway,
As I glare at the future with such disdain.
Will the world last,everyday I live with fear.
thinking and wonder,what will it be.
tonight love is rationed,
tonight across the nation.
love whisper, almost another day.
She is a shooting star,tonight.
only for tonight.
so I let it be...
till the end...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Towards The Future Look! 

Look at your feet This is the road you walk Look! 
Look ahead of you That is your future 
My mother gave me so much kindness 
"Embrace, love and walk," she said over and over 
At that time I was still immature 
I didn't understand her meaning 
She held my hand And walked with me 
Our dreams are always high up in the sky 
It's scary that they might not come true 
But we still continue to chase them 
Because it's our story We don't want to give up 
When I was unsure, she held my hand 
And walked with me 
There were times when I hated that kindness 
When separated from my mother 
I couldn't be obedient Look! 
Look at your feet 
This is the road you walk Look! 
Look ahead of you 
That is your future 
There were times when I hated that kindness 
When separated from my mother 
I couldn't be obedient 
Look! Look at your feet 
This is the road you walk 
Look! Look ahead of you 
That is your future Look! 
Look at your feet 
This is the road you walk Look! 
Look ahead of you 
That is your future Turn towards the future Let's walk slowly...