Time flies does it, in a blink we've already reached the end of the year. We have been through loads of ups and downs and those twists and turns. And some of it have mend us to a different shapes and sizes. The choices we made and the mistakes that we've done. Time proceeds, we have to follow. I've achieved what I wanted this year but also lost some of it along the way.

So what I wanted to improve in 2011 is:

- I wanted to strive in whatever I am doing.

- I will make more friends and less enemies.

- Hide my ego and stay humble as possible.

- I will complete my artworks and sharpen my skills.

- Be punctual

- Take risk and go for chances.

- Try to make choices easier to pick.

- Find a lover.

- I will take care of my health.

- No last minute assignments.

- Start a day with a smile.

- I will stay fit, jog min 3 times a week.

- Take care my bond with my friends and family.

- Help those who in need more.

- pray more

- less complaining

- Write more in my journal

- learn to say no

Wishlist:

1) A new hard disk

2) laptop

3) sony psp

4) DLSR camera with zoom lens.

We can imagine everyone celebrating new year, some held their own party and invited their friends over, some drive along and see fireworks along the road, some went to special events, some just celebrate at home with their closest relatives, some probably strive in fear being mugged, some probably shooting bullets and bombing places, some may be battling with fatal disease, some might be having the hardest time of their life, some doesn't even care.

Years is different in each and every people's lives. Some may celebrate it happily and others are struggling to survive this year. I hope that next year will be a good year like previous ones, and may it become better.

Dear 2011, please be kind to us. Happy New Year!

Another year has come and gone again,

look around

and think where have you been,

Trace the Lines, on your face tonight

And don't forget that this will pass in time.

It's cold out this morning,

you should be getting into bed

Curled up tight, a darker shade of white.

Thinking back could be here for a while.

And it's getting harder to pretend,

can't believe it's that time of the year again.

Can you believe the life you led?

Did you achieve the goals you set?

Did you lose your mind?

Well and then.

Is there a reason you own them.

It is a season that won't end

Another year has come and gone again

Look around and wonder what happened.

-sick puppies; That Time of Year-

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.

I believe life has its toll on us. Life throws many things at us, from all angles, of all kinds. It’s not so much of what is being thrown at us that makes us ‘us’ but more of how we deal with it that actually shapes ‘us’. Eveything that life has thrown at us is a test. Be it sadness, happiness, frustration, anger or joy. It’s actually a test for us to gauge and determine what’s our level from to time to time.

You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones they are never as big as you make them how to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal, those are the days that end up being the biggest. And today was something, it was beautiful… perfect!

I had one of those beautiful days today, which are meaningful days as we speak. Everybody shares their thoughts and their deepest concerns. I've realize that I am a good listener, but a bad sharer. I often kept things for myself, I don't know why but it poisoned me like it did the other day. It was fun riding pointlessly sharing tears of life and laugh at the side of it.

We talked about marriage, family affairs and love. I actually have no idea how challenging their life can be with all the divorce and broken families. But they have face it and clearly they have become stronger. Well, everyone is hoping for a life without pain but pain is there for a reason.

Life's like that. No matter how bad things are, u just gotta go on and live with it. keep on plastering a smile when u face the world eventhough deep inside u know for sure that ur soul has been dead long time ago. Believe that there is always happy endings. We are facing towards adulthood now, the do's and don't. It's seems like it was yesterday, that I was in standard 6. Now all grown up.

Childhood is the time when we can build castles in the sky, see elephants and monkeys in the clouds, play with tadpoles, jump on our matresses to our heart's delight, ask why the sky is blue, roll in the dirt, and play with trucks and dolls; it is a time when memories are made and friendships established.

Some said that our childhood is the beginning of our creative nature and ambitious desire to enjoy life and succeed in it. In childhood we find the essential and fundamental ingredients for a healthy life.

We could learn from them.. Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do..

I've always been scared of the future, but sometimes for a short moment I felt optimistic about it.

But It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose. Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then some how, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again. Life's roller coaster. We all just have to Hang tight.

We love different things and different people, and sometimes it is hard to understand why other people love the things they do. But at the end of the day we are all united by one fact: our little hearts can get broken by those we love, and they often do. And when they do, we can't help but sing about it.

What if the person that u love doesn’t love u back the way u want it to be? Would it be worth to love someone without expecting anything in return? Even the least we could expect is to love me the way i love u? And within the same period of time, u met someone else that u like/fancy and that someone likes u back, probably there’s a chance of something might develop from there? Which way would u choose? Round the circle and back to square one?

Have u ever been caught in such situation? Where u have to choose. Make the ultimate choice on which way to go. To stay or to leave. To hold on or to let go. Well, i guess everyone has their own reason for the choice that they have to make. It's either for the sake of themselves or for the sake of everyone around them. Is it worth gambling such risk? Probably it is. Even for short term happiness. And it would be a lifetime bonus for long term happiness. Lucky bastards. And who wouldn't want that?

But the question is, would u ever know whether u make the right choice? Such risk.

There is that apartment I lived in, somewhere in Japan. not too deep into the city. With four people living inside. Two guys and two woman. Me and a calm and collected guy. A feminine happy-go-lucky girl and her tomboy friend. A playstation 3 hooked up on the television, and countless games taunts ourselves to play. Eating instant noodles and watch the girls doing the dishes. A cozy room with a heater and a magnificent view of the city below. Four seasons changing, spring winds blowing through the window, hitting the chimes with a calming melody, then the blazing summer, we would go by the beach. Eating watermelon sorbet and wash ourselves by the waves. In fall, we will sat under the sakura trees, watching those pink petals falls one by one. And in winter we would skate on the ice and having that christmas party with a small christmas tree in our house. Trading gifts. Celebrating their customs and their festivals. Watching fireworks and cheer loudly anticipating a new year. Call my friends and family back home, asking about their well-being and tell them how great it is and wish they could be here. Then wander ourselves by creating numerous new goals and dreams.

In the morning, the girls would prepare breakfast, and warm green tea. We chatted ourselves and enjoyed our meals thoroughly. Then we make way to the train station as we go forth to our college or workplace. Busy train rides in the morning while watching the vast view through the window. We had our time learning and doing our projects. Then we stop by at stores or the mall browsing delicate needs. Eating the best sushi for lunch, and make ourselves comfortable at home.

At night we bought the latest dvds and watch it together all four of us. And plan ourselves for a trip. Then we go out at the park, lying on the ground and look at the stars up above and ponder for a moment, what is in store for the future...

This are pieces and fragments of my dream. An imaginative view how my perfect utopia would be. Everyone must have once imagine themselves in a perfect life. Sometimes they're too adaptive to reality that they forget what dreams is really is. Sometimes it is beneficial to dream.

What yours are like?

I remember back in the time, where I was a little child, playing with sands and dirt, riding my bicycle everyday, crossing roads and put all the blame on the maid. Till my first love, on primary school. Learning and make empty promises. Stealing drinks and money from the vending machine. Playing those so called 'digi-vice' and those 'Tamiya' race cars.

Then I went up aboard high school, it was not much difference. This is where I can determine whether someone is worth trusting. There a bunch of drama in this period, bitterweet moments shared for five years. This is where people started to know themselves and making goals.

I remember when we about to leave that school, the last day. It was ... ... ... sad. We were literally attached to that place. The memories that we shared, the laughters the time we spent were irreplaceable.

Even at the National Service, friends there were a lot different. There we are forced to look or each others backs. We help each other out but everywhere, anywhere there is always room for backstabbers. Undeniably only for three months, and even we are trained rough by soldiers, we still cry at the end.

Until now, in my university days. I've grown so much. We are getting busier as we grow. And later on we will move on whether we like it or not. With marriage and jobs, there are slim chance to meet with your old friends. Soon you realize that new friends are different than the one you used to spent your days with. Make time for you loved ones, it's all you have, for the moment.

You will never enjoy your life,

living inside the box

You're so afraid of taking chances,

how you gonna reach the top?

Rules and regulations

force you to play it safe

Get rid of all the hesitation

it's time for you to seize the day.

Instead of just sitting around,

and looking down on tomorrow

you gotta let your feet off the ground,

the time is now.

Try to have no regrets

even if it's just tonight

How you gonna walk ahead

if you keep living behind

Stuck in my same position

you deserve so much more

There's a whole world around us

just waiting to be explored.

The world will force you to smile,

I'm here to help you notice the rainbow

cause I know,

What's in you is out there.

Look at me, look at me in the eye and tell youself. Don't mind my british accent. Now I'm asking you, are you really honest about your feelings? Maybe you did all these things, as a term of distraction. See, you even talk to yourself now. What are you doing exactly, and why do you feel that way. Have you regretted something in the past or are you hoping for something in the future. Or is it the present that you most unaware of? Have you done something wrong?

Why are infected with guilt and why are you are all like this?

All torn up into shreds.

You want to know who I am?

Well, lad, I am your subconscious.

I'm the one who's minding the mind.

I am independent, unlike you,

I have a purpose.

Past week have been quite a rough ride. All the evil happened, emotions mixed up and the roller coaster ride that is never ending. Filling my mind with rambling questions, having headaches and I get angry all the time. Moodswings and PMS like moods are turning around and round. A whole rounded up feelings of despair and anxiety. The feel of sadness entwines and twisted and it bring horrid results. A gloomy day, and everything became lifeless, sunken. Reading ,playing games and all of it doesn't seem to satisfy this heart of mine. I have tried feeding this soul, but it seems to be more hungry, having this hunger for something I don't know of. It seems like past few days I've been searching and looking high and low for the puzzle pieces.

And just maybe, it wasn't all those emo probes, coaster moodswings. Or maybe these dull sensation or greyish pastel view. Maybe it's not about all those rants I used to ramble about. Maybe it's not outdoors that I'm longing. Maybe it's not about future problems. Maybe it's not about everything mentioned above. Maybe and just maybe...

Maybe I'm just lonely.

I pause myself for a moment to think and see where I am, or what I am. As I grow up, I realize that fairytales and dreams are harder to believe, I've faced reality and it is full of disappointment. It has been years since my childhood. I see changes in everything nowadays.

Especially people around me, most of them are not the same person as they were before.

Even my sister, already showed drastic changes. As far as I know it, she never care how she looks before, she never wore make-up. Now, she is a different person, although that seems to bring up some good things like enhancing her self-esteem. But at the same time I can see ego is taking place.

I can also feel that some of my friends are changing, into better or for worst. Most of them went to college and turned into another person. Living with the title hedonisme, they're always in the pursuit for pleasure while some of them create an image just to blend in. Some of them turned into a new leaf and others simply stays in the same position as they were before.

Frankly speaking, it's not them to be blamed. I think I have grown old enough to understand that nothing last forever. When the time is ripe, time will change everything. Including myself.

But I'm not too fond of changes, it's better having the original because certain things were better before.

Eventhough I have this fear of changes but I know I'll have to face it eventually. Because changes are a part of reality and reality is where I lived in.

" Sometimes you just sit at home and remember the old times.

You laugh by yourself with a ridiculous smile.

Then you have that one tear run down your cheek cause

all of it changed. "

Days passed by and I realize that my holiday is lapsing. The worst part is that I am still in the same condition. It gives me headaches. I couldn't stop thinking. And the silly part is I couldn't understand what am I putting my head into so much. It drove me insane.

I have this mixed feelings and my view seems to be dull, blunt. Someone precious once asked;

" Are you happy? "

I said I was, but the truth is that I don't know. I have most of the things I needed but it doesn't seem to satisfy myself. I tried to feed this poor soul of mine, but it seems to be hungry for something I don't know of. I'm sick. I have done so much, and I am at an end. All in vain.

So I'm sending an S.O.S. Help.

I asked for strength...

And god gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom...

And god gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity...

And god gave me brain and energy to work.

I asked for courage...

And God gave me Danger to overcome

I asked for love..

And god gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for favors...

And god gave me opportunities.

I receive nothing I wanted.

But I received everything I needed.

We had an amazing gathering last night, serving grilled chicken on the evening on top off some mashed potatoes, and Pepper Pastas. Surrounding the fire and chat it all out about the pasts while roasting dozens of marshmallows. Hearing silly jokes, seeing ridiculous stunts, and calling up names. We talked about our schooldays, the bittersweet moments we used to share. Trading tales and stories, and updating the latest news about themselves. It was a joyride on it's own.

Until we started to realize that it all went through so fast, reliving the olden days are almost impossible now, realizing that it's a fair game, we went through our days and it's time someone else's should have the same taste. Undeniably, we are moving forward without even realizing it.

And soon we aged through the days, imagine another reunion around 10 years to call. How do we look till then, how many children do we have or do we even get married.

But now, we only have to live the time we had and appreciate those little things we often take for granted. Life is a ride itself.

" Time is the coin of your life, it is the only coin you have,

and only you can determine

how it will be spent. "

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,

drifting through the wind, wanting to start again.

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,

like a house of cards, one blow from caving in.

Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under,

scream, but no one seems to hear a thing.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you,

cause there's a spark in you.

You don't have to feel like a wasted space,

you're original, cannot be replaced.

Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed,

so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road.

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

And when it's time, you'll know.

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine

Just own the night, like the fourth of July.

"Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it."

-confucius-

I just love clicking to those traveling channels, and even in bookstores I never fail to stop by the travel and language section. It's just that the world beyond mine tends to be more fascinating. And such experienced they had gained by those travelers and tv hosts, don't forget the contestant of the amazing race. See how they can overcome many challenges and feel the world. Although it gets me excited, it's not much as the real feeling rather then watching them in pixels or in papers.

I want to experienced it, with my own hands, see it with my own eyes. What a world out there, climb a mountain in peru, bungee jump on the grand canyon, lying on the wide grass at new zealand, scope the stars in egypt. It's truly another world. Far from what we have experience.

I want to learn history and experience their culture, I want something different than what I have experienced on my daily basis. I've known people who traverse to amazing place and when they get back they told this ridiculously amazing journey that they had. As I stood and listen, I felt like what am I doing, I should go out.

Life can't be considered living the fullest if you just live.

It rains often here, it brings this sorrow feel to it but at the same time it drenched away pain. After it fades I went out for a jog, I wonder how far can I run without stopping. I felt that I am with the wind, clearing my mind as I go through. I've realized that it is almost a year now, it's december. Time flies, does it?

This year, I've seen myself and my friends were all facing difficulties and yet some of them are the opposites. Most of them having trouble with their current friends. Hypocrites to be specific. They have all stated their problems but I couldn't lend them a hand. Honestly, even at college I couldn't determine which are my friends and which are my foes. It's like the game of checkers, everyone is trying to eat each other. It's not that I hate them, it's just not the same friends that I used to have. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and not used to it. But realizing that everyone else suffers the same consequences.

I've been through a lot this year, like the roller coaster, I have gone through it's ups and downs and those twists you often don't like. I made some new friends at my college and also have made a lot of people cried this year, from tears of happiness to the despairs. I didn't realize that I was destroying precious things around me as I move. It hurts that is all that I can tell, surrounded by guilt. The most haunting feeling that you can have.

I still can't stop thinking. Figuring something I don't know off. It's like solving mathematical questions which includes infinite numbers. It drove me insane.

POISON

I have just made someone precious in my life cried. Undoubtedly I couldn't forgive myself for that. I realize it now that I've been hearing problems from everyone, my friends, They have always shared their problems with me regardless, about the past, the present or the future. Their love life, their plans, and the past mistakes that they did. I've listened to their stories, their problems and tried my best to help them. But I'd never realize that I never shared those things with them until today, the thoughts and my problems had turned into poison. And poison me, I almost died inside. And things that I have destroyed can never be turned back. Or maybe they can. Only if I had enough courage to reverse all my mistake. But I know myself for so long, that I was a coward.

TEMPER

Suddenly I felt this hatred came flowing through my veins burning my heart with temper. I was so angry with no obvious reason. It just happen, everything I do doesn't seem to be right. Or maybe I have done it using the improper way.

" As you grow up you felt like nothing change, but when you look back it's not the same. "

I feel like I am against the world, nothing was in it's rightful place. Everything was torn apart.

Leaving ashes and frayed circumstances. And soon to be bombed by luck.

And it was made to look like an accident and I'm the one who to be blamed.

DAYS

I don't like how it turned out. It's like a re-incarnation of nightmares. A carnage of dreams. Legions of it. I hate it. I hate it, so much. I want to get out, make that great escape. To someplace where dreams are made of in this world. And there is no limitations to what I can do. A place where I can be truly free.

Maybe it is just a harsh rain pouring on december 5th. But the streets were never so gloomy, it's like provoking me with it's smile. I felt taunted, intimidated by the skies. And the sun never seems to have that old warm smiles it used to have, and greet me every morning with it radiance.

The clouds are fading away maybe because it is sad, or maybe I am.

STATE

I need to clear my head up, unwind like I did the other day. I felt relax and tranquil sitting alone at someplace else, slurping some chocolate shakes watching ice skaters slide by. Seeing couples holding hands, seeing business man with their phones, or just simply children with infinite cravings in those innocent eyes.

There were a lot of things that I can observe, with the cold breeze flowing through. Such a sanctuary it felt, so calm and peaceful although with all the noises and mumblings but it felt very quiet inside my head. The specs and dust had been cleared up. I can go through my deepest thoughts without anyone to condemn.

In such state, I can determine more possibilities and differentiate for what is wrong and what is right.

I can feel light coruscating from beneath slowly, eating the darkness within. But terribly the state I am in doesn't last long. Soon it fades and mists of doubts came flowing in. Then again I need to find that place with such state.

SOLILOQUIZE

My enthusiasm for life, my hunger for dreams seems to be fading away. There were only seconds when it came flowing in but then lost along the way. Now I wonder upon the stars whether my life had gone astray. Or maybe my mind is unwind and my dreams sway.

I wipe my glasses and took another glances. Whether the ashes that I buried. Upon the sands on the pavement streets. With much guilt and remorse, I wonder should I rejoice. Upon broken fragments of memories, or upon shattered fairy tales and foretold stories.

Thus there were moments that I have got it figured, in a world that is disfigured. Filled with prejudices and lies, and let the time slip and flies.

Upon kindness and good will, upon the walks and the stills. Upon regrets and depression.

What is it that I want? Probably the things that I rant. Infinite impossibilities that I had predict.

Only to be followed by a judges verdict. And yet I never tried, never stood for myself. To friends nor foes nor thyself.

My mind is filled with rambling questions, of how to make and how to destroy. Questioned by infinite choices till this time I still wonder and never chose. Can I control my future across the streams or just go with the flow and let it be out of the seams.

FRIENDS

A friend of mine said that a friend can divided into 3.

The first one is 'medicine';

Simply like medicine, it helps you. It relieves you. But you can't have too much of it. Overdosage can bring you a lot of harm.

The second one is 'Poison';

No matter how hard you try it will always bring harm to you. This is a type of friend that you should avoid.

The third one is rice;

Something you can't live without.

So cherish your friends and families. They are you backbone. Pillars that supports you.

WEIRD DREAMS 3

Since I have nothing to write, let me share you what I dreamed of last night, it is not easy to remember dreams more like a nightmare this one. (note; this story was from a dream I have, none of them are real or could be) dedicated to my high school friends.

We were at Toys r us searching for something a present, an outing to celebrate dzmahs farewell.

Faisal with Atiqah filzah they were both smiling, *note that this part I couldnt remember well.

Bella on the other hand, was sad, she seems disturbed, so I went to her to comfort her. We talked, then suddenly, I saw a woman in dress run across the entrance. It was Taylor Swift, she ran, and without any doubt I ran to chase after her. When I ran out of the store, I saw Dyrah n dzmah was chasing too.

Then the scenario switched, taylor opened the door, we arrrived at our school, section 4. She climbed the walls of the corridor and stand there, looking down, as if about to do suicide. Note; we were on the 3rd floor; highest floor above the staff office. But the building seems rather different than the ones I know.

Anyways did I mentioned section 4 is on fire. Yes, it was burning. I remember myself wearing the MPM outfit, the green shirt., holding a key. Everyone was looking at taylor swift from below, in shock, off course. Bella was crying, everyone was staring.

So I ran off to save Taylor, ( I was behind her then, but now I am below her, such twist.)

So I ran but there are fires everywhere, with much courage I went through, there were moments where syairazi tried to stop me, saying noooo!

The building is like a maze, it changed itself. I ran to the stairs seeing all those juniors. Note; That I was above the staff office building), I quickly make it to Taylor. (Note; before this Taylor was at block Elite our classes in form 5 but then she is above the staff office

Before I could reach her, she made the jump. Everyone was screaming, She fell on the ground, then something happened here I could not remember well. But there were this song Amazing by Taylor Swift, is there any? I presume not since it was a dream. Then I woke up. Thats the end of it.

I dreamt of this twice just so you know, a premonition? A clue of some sort? Or maybe Im thinking about something too much that it went on in my sleep. Whatever it is, I have no idea on it. I'll leave it to you guys for the thinking.

QUESTION

There were times I ponder whether I have made the right decision, and sometimes I wonder what god had planned for me. I became more and more further away from myself. All hopes, lies and the fading cries. What can I obtain from this journey, I couldn't not understand. No, not at all.

There were times, I stopped believing in dreams, stop believing in myself. I lack of something, something I do not know. But I am not the one who is taking for granted, no not me.

There were times, something I wished, is something I don't want or need later on. I was surprised that none of it ever worked out. Whether I made the right choice all this time.

There were times, I asked myself whether I was happy. Honestly, I do not know the answer.

Not a clue...

STRIPES

This environment somehow suffocates me, at times I felt breathless. At time I felt like being alone is a sanctuary. Where can I find peace and tranquility in a world that choke me? In a world that is trying hard to kill me. I felt vulnerable. It took a lot of patience to survive this phase of life. A massive amount of patience. It drove me insane at first now it went to a state of hatred. These people amongst them beginning to show their true colors. The colors that I hate the most.

The colors that drove me...

SMALL

We often hoping for the big things, those grand schemes. But the truth is those little things, those small remnants that we often take for granted is the things that make us happy. Maybe it's time we appreciate those fragments that we outcasted. Make our lives filled with wondrous joy that came from unexpected sources. Happiness is a gift.

GREMLIN

Do you fancy yourself a nice person? Do you do good deeds? Unfortunately in this world not all people are nice. Some might be more horrid than an animal itself. With all the corruptions and such, the world is full of it. And can drove you sick and tired of it. Vomit

No matter how nice you have became or no matter how much money you donate to charity, how many hands you lend there always exist prejudice. Like there is something wrong in you that they can't depict.

No matter how nice you are, at least one people tend to dislike you, at least... sometimes for no good reasons. Such world eyh?

KELABU

It is back, that dull sensation. A gallimaufry of gray colors. And things were not at place. I am not at ease. The first thought is to get rid of this, to escape from this harsh rain again. The black clouds are seem to be hovering over my head now, and the castles that I built in the air are about to topple. And all those valuable pedestals seems to be falling down. These portraits of mine seems to fade. Now I've lost grip to what I hold dear. I've lost control of the present. My life is in disarray.

I couldn't remember the last time I had those warmth, those sensational honest smile. The marks and signs of a happy life. The plight of my days seems to haunt me now and then. I've tried to run off course, but what is that attempt? So foolish. I succumb. The irony, that's the only choice.

Yes I admit that I became more vulnerable these days, lacking of everything. My mind and my heart are not contented. So how do I make it less bitter? My acts are all in vain, it dismount to the opposite, the more sugar that I add, the more bitter it taste.

Such tremendous torture. The pain and agony it conflicted. But I realize and I wonder whether this is just another process of healing.

IF

It's nice to see people holding hands with their lovers but at the same time taunts me, and I get intimidated by that. Sometimes I wonder what if, things doesn't go the way they are now.

What if something else happened in the past, alternate future right? Say what happened if you met someone else, be at someplace else and so you've also can become someone else right? Would it be better? or does it turn horrid. What if...

SILVER

SOLILOQUY

These ramblings and rants going on through my brain. It couldn't be stopped. Even distractions are only temporary. I need to stop chasing you, at times I feel like waiting for something that isn't going to happen. I don't understand you, you make me don't understand myself. You hold the key to the last piece of the puzzle but why don't you put the pieces together. I can't breathe, I am suffocating in my own dreams...

MONOLOGUE

Take a deep breath, breathe life into life since it has become something of what a re-incarnation of a puzzle should be, to solve it? Would take a lifetime.

And so it have become quite enjoyable these days but it is not complete. Everything was put into place except for one thing which hardly touchable yet it is probably the last piece of the maze.

Sometimes I traverse too far and got lost in this lobe of some kind. And yet there's a lot of unnecessary ramblings going around the highways in my brain, but it couldn't be put much into words. Crafting it in the form of drawings would make it more difficult to understand. No wonder there's monologues in my mind. And why bother reading my soliloquy. Even sometimes I don't understand what I am talking about...

DESPITE

Past few weeks have been rough mentally, I could get crazy if this phase keeps up. Despite some lectures with heavy-ish UK accent, he really do reminds me of harry potter. And some teachers who is cool enough to my standard, " I am the law." he quoted. Should I say, that my life is in too much drama. Perhaps too much... :/

Despite;

The state of my mind have been in topsy-turvy. Even people who went in there could get lost, there's so many things going around my head. It won't stay still and went in their rightful order.

And there is this state of the heart, which is in much worse condition. I just couldn't think straight anymore. It's getting hard for me to see what's right and what's wrong. I am blinded with love... yes, I have fallen in love... I think...

Gah, I am thinking too much stuff that is unrelated. It drove me crazy, and now I'm listening to Gnarls Barkley, what else. Crazy..

FULL

I'd always imagine my life in someone else's. Interesting fact that someone else imagine their lives on mine as well. Us humans never satisfied with whatever they've got, always have this envious feelings towards others. Always claim the perspective of, " If they can why not me, and ended up saying.

" Some people have all the luck. "

I admire those who lives great lives. And to say that they live life the fullest. I still don't understand the term 'full'. What does that mean actually, does full means living your life without wasting time or make the best out of your life?

And so I have stepped onto the other phase of life, which is really hard to accept that it went humdrum. Far from what I imagined, far from what I expected. It knocked some sense to me that I have to make decisions on my own sometimes and having to move on. But this is life, it won't always follow your orders, it can turn inside out when you least expected. But I guess I'll make the best of it for the moment.

And so I never stop complaining about my own life and still hoping that it becomes like one of those people who live life the fullest. Or maybe I'm just too hedonistic...

CHILDHOOD

Besides the recurring Toy Story theme of no toy is to be left behind, this time it also about the bittersweet of letting go, growing up and moving on, all the while leading us down memory lane, and what a jolly good ride for the generation who didn't grew up a with a PSP eternally attached to our fingers! What a hoot and nostalgia seeing Ken and Barbie! I mean, some of us made hem smooch before! Oh not me though, I never had a Ken :P

-Yappie-

A friend of mine once asked,

" When does a childhood starts and when does it ends. "

few answers came out, some said we experience childhood twice, when we were a child and when we became parents. And some said, childhood lasts forever.

Childhood are some moments do they? Well for the less fortunate, might be a little daunting, with abusive parents and all that. But they are mistakes of life and can be made a lesson when we grow up.

Letting go, growing up and moving on. I would say without a doubt are the hard parts of life. I kinda hate this part right here, where I have to leave behind things that I care and move on. We are aging , all of us are. Might, soon to be bloated, silver hair or maybe bald with wrinkles carved and etched on our faces marks us as scars of our battles. We will face hardships worse or at ease and experience new.... experience of course. Soon what we see on film and tv becomes reality. We shall face the future with disdain, because we do not know what lies ahead and hope that our meets won't be the last. Sitting on a stool at those 'Kampong' houses, villages and what not reminiscing the plight of our days, telling tales and our hardships from the generation to generation.

And I couldn't imagine the future where our grandchildren may live. Should I say PSP eternally attached to our fingers?

WISHES

Bella said she wanted to be with the stars in outer space because she couldn't stand the cruel world.

Dzmah said she wanted to stop time so that she could take a breather.

Farah said she wanted to be a bird so that she could roam the sky with her wings.

Razi wanted to go to the past so that he could repair all the mistakes he have done.

Afiq wanted to built a world of magic because real life is tragic...

2020

I am reminded about what the teacher said the other day. About how we grow to see what lies beyond.

The year 2020 supposedly to be the year where my country will become like Japan we have here today. Modernity... What we imagine now won't be impossible in the future maybe before this someone's been dreaming on having communications wherever you are or being all around the world and still being at home. Thus, cellphones and internet that we have here today.

Now we have these amazing gadgets, such as the iPhone or the PlayStation 3. Imagine 10 years from now, 2020. What would it have been, by that time I would be around 28, still young.

But anything can happen right, even now with the globalization era with all the wars and earthquakes. Can mother earth withstand another 10 years. With all of the corrupted sins burden against it.

SERVICE

National Service have ended. I still can't believe that I cry like hell at the closing ceremony. Sad, sad, sad I've been missing the prison ground a lot. I've learned so many valuable things there that I'd never knew. I've learn so many things that I could never imagine learning outside. But this is life, the up and downs of it, the so called roller coaster, the so called 'wheel'.

Now I am home, back to the sanctuary. I still cannot see what lies ahead, but now I felt like my old self is gone, a new leaf is born. I felt that whatever I am doing will lead me somewhere, our next destination. 'Just do'.

Enough with the ranting monologue. I am back, hopefully with more updates on this dusty old diary.

PAYMENT

Lately I've been busy thinking and not being myself that I have lost sense in blogging but now I can control part of it and trying to put all those pieces together slowly, and hopefully it will complete the puzzle.

How often do you hear someone say, " Nothing in this world is free. "

Even the air you breathe, is not free of charge. You may not pay it with money or gold but in a different abstract way and still it is not free.

In my life I believed in 'Equivalent Exchange'. You know, like barter. I believe that everything you do have its own price. As you can clearly see that us humans are given an ability to choose unlike angels or animals, and our life off course are full of risk and choices. One wrong move can turn your life topsy turvy in humdrum.

So whatever you have like comfort and riches that you always take for granted will expire unless you made the 'payment'.

YTILAER

Going to the National Service is fun. I've learned so many things, about the difference between my image and my real self. I've learn things that I never would imagine learning outside. I've also learned the hardships of life, and some others who are less fortunate than us. I've also made many friends from different places with different backgrounds.

But also, there I've faced reality. Too much perhaps. I've been seeing and been slapped by reality for so many times there that I come to known that the world is far crueler. My mind couldn't accept that kind of reality.

CLOSED

Hey guys, I'll be goin for my national service. Therefore this blog's closed for about 3 months.

Sorry for the inconvenience, Wish me Luck. :)

LOVELY

We decided to watch The Lovely Bones. I once watched the trailer and planning to watch it. But time passes by and I already forgotten about it until Bella and Xera recommend it to me.

Just as expected, the graphic is amazing. You can google the synopsis of the movie, typing it here would cause spoilers.

The fact that the movie is about death makes me wonder, what if I am dead or one of us are no longer here. For certain changes will take place. I kept imagining that, the one's who cried mourning of the deaths. And the one's who doesn't even care. And it also alarmed me that death can come anytime and anywhere, unexpectedly.

Despite the beautiful graphics, the plot is amazing as well. My tearduct almost explode when the father of the victim cried and smashing bottles of ships. I can feel the sadness. The actor seems to be playing the role amazingly well.

Speaking of roles. The one named Stanley Tucci plays as the psychopath in this movie. You can google him and compare to this movie. He clearly breathes the role perfectly, I can feel the tense and his expressions were dramatical.

This movie makes you wonder a lot. Especially the sad part, it touched me. It's cruel how people don't think when they do something, like taking someone's life.

This movie was based from a book, I gave a recommendation for a movie like this.

GRADUATION

MMC, UNITEN, LIM KOK WING,ETC;

There I said; " Some people have all the luck.''

Everyone have set a path on the future, building bridges of hope, and let it shine.

I didn't get what I wanted, maybe because I have less money. The thing is, I am confused.

To me, I want is the true experience. It is like choosing section 4 and section 10.

At first all of us wanted to go to Section 10 but in vain, then we realize that section 4 was better. Maybe it is the cause of more freedom?

Same scenario here, like the Malay phrases; " Ikut Hati Mati ". I am always like that, same goes with the Kelantan Trip. I did not want to go at first but I went on instead. And there I get the best trip of my school life. Would be such waste if I didn't go right?

You see; to me experience counts but then, it's not about the present. It's the future.

So nowadays IPTS was created as an aid for the fallen. Sounds epic but it's kinda unfair. All who have money can continue their studies, but not for the likes of the poor, who have to work hard on getting into a university.

Sigh, I hope what I've chosen will shine and give me a bright future.

DESTINY 2

Until now, I'd never fully understand the term 'successful'. Is having a lot of money being 'successful'. Or is it achieving certain target makes you 'successful'. They're all differ. Whatever it is, that term is subjective, unable to define it thoroughly.

After the devastating blast, last thursday. People started to realize the impact. It was devastating to see the dreams of your friends crushed. Some decided to move on, sacrificing their plans, dreams and take the alternatives. And some whom I pity, gives up. It's not that amusing since your options are limited. You can only go with what you have. What a pity, some of us hope for the best and unready for the worst. Thus, such shock are carved on their faces.

It is rather humiliating as well, imagine you go on living with the same thing. And people will ask you what you got, and thats it. Your first impression on jobs and careers might perish like that, it just might.

For all reason I am one of them as well. I can see one of my dreams crushed into pieces, like a mirror that you throw from afar. Smash! Thats the sound of it.

But like I said before, it's not coincidence. You don't get that for no reason. There is a reason for everything that have happened, and for a reason everything happens. Who knows, your first plan might not make you happy at all, there goes another disappointment. This is an act of god, so you tried your best, even if you weren't. If the omnipotent want give you that, then HE will give it as it is. There's never been a coincidence, this is destiny, this is fate. This is all part of the plan.

This is your destiny, you might end up liking it more than you can imagine, and there you go and say, " I couldn't have it any other way ".

DESTINY

" Everybody knows that your life is a story. But what if a story was your life."

I just watched an old movie ''Stranger than Fiction''. Yeah I'm always late on these thing. The thing about this movie is, it gave me a wider prospect of 'coincidence' and fate. Do you believe in coincidence? Again same with the nominated Slumdog Millionaire. Do you think the main character in that film enters the show Who wants To be a Millionaire by coincidence, certainly not. If you watch the movie, you'll find how intriguing his life can be. And how fate take place in every event. The same thing with this film.

I didn't know much about Stranger Than Fiction, it is because I watch it halfway before the movie ends. I give you a glance what the storyline is all about. From what I know is that this person hearing narrations of his life like a story, which seem strangely accurate. Then he soon found that the narration was a voice of a book writer on a tv show. The book writer said that the ending of the book is going to be another death just like her previous book.

Shocked by this outcome, the man pursue the writer to give a consider about the ending of his life. The writer also realize that whatever she writes become real. She becomes horrified to consider all of her previous books may have also resulted in the the deaths of real people.

In the end she decided to keep him alive after almost ended the story with death like the usual. Although it will lower the strength and quality of the book.

This movie shows many relevant evidence of Fate which seem considerably fun to watch. Consider this movie was meant for comedy, it still doesn't hide the true message of life.

Another thing about this movie is about death, from what I know this man watch seems to dies in the story and so he asked a stranger about the time. Due to getting time from the stranger earlier, his watch is three minutes ahead, and by that three minute he took a bus a early while waiting for another bus, at that time a child riding a bicycle seem to fall on the road while the bus is approaching. He tend save a child on a bicycle from being run over by a bus, though himself is hit by it. The writer attempts to write the death but unable to do so, and instead claims the watch was the character that died. But instead the fragments of the watch miraculously stopped the bleeding some arteries which preventing him from bleeding to death.

The thing is, that death can come even with a small change like getting early 3 minutes..

SOUR

I stumbled upon this video on someone else's blog and I couldn't help but to share this masterpiece. This video was done by fans of this certain Japanese band called SOUR, I think. I didn't do much research. Before watching please pause the theme song on the bottom of this blog. This is entirely webcam masterpiece. Enjoy, SOUR's Hibi No Neiro( Tone of Everyday).

ELEVENTH

" It's funny how day to day nothing changed, but when we look back, it's not the same."

I went to school sports day today. It's nice, I felt a year younger. Breathing the school's air, the hectic life, and the loud ear deafening bells. I met most of the teachers, and I am very happy. I just love the expression on their faces when they see an ex student. So, I have a little chat with every single teacher's that I met. Nothing much changes, just very happy to see them. Oh don't forget the juniors as well. Heheh. Oh and there's also seniors of the school also came along. It was fun and hot even doing nothing. All the teachers are talking about the 11th march. Who doesn't know that date must be left out. I am anxious bout the results. Miss Z, is expecting good marks on physics. *shivers...

The school doesn't change much except for adding more grills, it look like a prison now. Haha, the sports day went well, at least for us, an exception from drying under the scorching sun. The teachers are mostly busy with their ordeals, but at least I get a chance to meet them. And that is enough to make my day.

PLAN

Most I've asked already decided what to do with their future. Some have already came with a backup plan. Some felt like there is no tomorrow. Some have chosen the road less travelled and some chose the road most people travelled. And some of us, still lost in the middle.

I did not do heavy research on what I want to be, it is confusing. I felt like I want to be apart of everything. Most people have done tons and tons of research for their future career. Some people just prefer to go with the flow.

Lately I've been imagining the scene when we take the results. Some say, It's holiday, no one's in the school except for us. We can laugh all we like, scream till our voice's gone, or maybe cry till our eyes swell. And in these moments where people can make the real decisions on what they can have, could have or couldn't possibly be.

Most people around me, I've seen change. Becoming more mature. I myself simply have a phobic of welcoming changes. But it's the course of nature. I am no one to interfere with it.

The point here is about making the 'Right' choice which lead you to the 'Right' way. I just don't want to do something that I will regret in the future.

Please, No More Regrets...

DIVORCE

I once open a conversation whether woman these days are cheap or not? Some of the woman disagree and some said both, man and woman. As a conclusion, most men these days are cheap. Or to be specific, lack of quality. I've read the news that the number of divorces are increasing each year, and now the numbers have arrived to tens of thousands. The thing is, just now I've read an article about divorces on the newspaper. What I've read doesn't seem very relevant at all.

" A wife is getting a divorce because her husband forgot to buy her a meal. "

I mean, god, what's up with that. It's silly and stupid. Obviously a lame excuse. And the news said it is common, around 300-500 cases have those lame excuses.

What is wrong with people these days. Such a disgrace.

DENSER

There is always a deeper meaning in every lyrics. Lets take one of the songs from the Killers.

It say, " Are we human, or are we denser. "

Humans, I've always wondered why god say that human was His finest creation. What so great about them anyway, why isn't the angels who always follow orders wasn't the omnipotent finest creation? Why human, they can die, angels can't. They rebel, they kill, they lie, they're vulnerable and weak. So why is it? That we humans to be called that. Even animals don't do horrible things like we did.

So you watch the news, or read the daily news. They never miss a section about murders, theft, robbery, rapes and such. What have the world become, no to be exact. What have we become these days. It's like The Darwin Theory but backwards. I've always wondered what drove these people to kill, steal and such. Don't they know Karma?? Our state of mind are more savage than an animal. If not physically harmed, there's always backstabbers, heartbreakers and such. Human can't be trusted that well, bribes, greed, and they always go crazy for money and sex. They can't keep promise, and they always think they're superior.

What habit, such behavior, we might go even lower than animals in the near future... So I'm asking again, are we human, or are we denser?

STUDY

I've been following a korean drama, Master of Study lately. Basically about a student life, with their problems and all that. Financial problem, parent problem, and such things that life threw at them. These problems that drive students becoming a bad egg. The thing about this drama is that a lawyer help them, these problematic student to believe in themselves and chase their dreams.

The thing is, they show, a true meaning of friendship. How friends should always stay by your side, no matter how big the problem is. They seem so happy living a life like that. I know it just a drama, but I want that. I want that little drama in my life.

From my point of view, the theme is simply 'believe'. Because when you stop believing, everything starts to fall apart. So, don't stop believing.

APPLE

Let say there's an apple on the table. It just lie there, fresh juicy red apple. You plan on taking it, after a moment you take it and eat it. You eat it, and eat it until it is finished. From the moment you took the apple, you have just created a future. And that future is, you have eaten the apple. But what if, you don't take the apple. Then suddenly someone pass by, take the apple and eat it. Therefore no future about the apple obtained. But what if you take the apple, eat it halfway and put it in a fridge, thus this one create an alternate future.

The point is, everything you do have an impact on the future. It might be small but still it is an impact. You didn't take the apple, big deal... meh... but you just have lost a future, its better if you take the apple wasn't it?

Let say you work hard for the exams, you guarantee your marks will be top-notch, lets say 10A+ . So you've made a plan for that; When I get that straight A's, I want to go study overseas. Therefore you have planned it that way. So you do anything to accomplish of what you have planned. So you take scholarships and such... But what if... you didn't get straight A's. You don't have a plan. What will you do, an alternate future has been developed there. And you don't have any plans at all.

Is there such use for Plan B? We often didn't come with any plan B at all, because we are so sure that everything goes on perfectly as planned, but the thing is, we're not omnipotent. We make mistakes, come to think of it, we are the only creature who makes mistakes. Animals don't make mistakes, or do they?

So what if your plan turn horribly wrong, what do you do then...?

UNTITLED

CYRIL

I just watched Cyril Simply Magic and I was overawed by his talent. He is unlike any other magician. I mean, off course there are other magicians who's more radical than him like David Blane or Chris Angel who cheated death most of the time. But Cyril is different in a way, he's unique. I was simply amazed by how he see life. When I watch him performing his tricks I received two magic moments. One, is simply his Magic performance. Two, is the magic of life.

And I also would like to thank the videographer who shows deeply the expressions that those people have, it is very-very fascinating. And in his shows, he put some quote which really inspires me. He's the first magician whom I see break the boundaries between cultures unlike any other. Instead of seeing amazing tricks, I've also seen the colors of life that he shows at the same time. I'd never knew things could be so beautiful. I want to be like him, to be able to break boundaries. Congratulations Cyril Takayama, you're the first illusionist who had inspire me and showed me the true colors of life.