Hello old friend, someone that have been abandoned for half a year, now in this silent night, I have the urge to write. Recently there are many things that have happened for the past few months, it is 2015 now, I am very close in getting my degree and venture into the so called 'real world'. I have lived until this day with no remorse, I have been positive in my thoughts and do things without a sense of regret, keeping it to fate and destiny if you believe in all that, but I do.

I have come back from a trip of self finding, I paid a visit to another country and in that visit I have become awe inspired. I am in wanderlust, I cam back home feeling silent and empty, for the first day I missed the food here, appreciating all the good taste of home. One day after another, feelings starts to blend, days passed and it feels suffocating. All the adventures that I had feels like a dream. I looked around there's only pictures and memories. I rise and fall, doing nothing productive, days passed and it have become lacklustre, the euphoria is gone and I yearn to go somewhere, to have another quest, another adventure. The adventure that have now become a memory. Looking back at the photos thinking, " is this me?, Is this my life?" After a hectic journey, I am now sitting in a corner getting adjusted to the pale environment. Blending with the crowd. No one knows what I've done, the experience that I had, it feels like I have never left. The feeling of telling the adventures that I had to the person next like a bard in a local inn. Now I have started looking and searching for a new adventure, a new journey. Looking at pictures of places and maps like I did when I was young thinking I one day I would go out, now I am here. The whole world seems to be a playground, there is so many places I want to go, need to go. This journey have shaped me into a different person, a different perspective and a different mind. If there is one thing that I could do everyday, is to travel.

I have not watched romance movies in a long time, I remember my previous was with the guys night out where we decided to choose a romantic movie. I watched 'Her' the movie where this guy fell in love with an artificial intelligence, a little late but something to fill my boredom on the first day of the new semester, I was at my bed with nothing to do. Watched it and it was a brilliant movie with a brilliant concept, after a while it made me think, it makes me sad on how much the movie can relate to me. I was this guy who always judge aesthetically, I might be a wee bit perfectionists. I have been single for over  5 years, love come and go, sometimes I've met people that I liked or even loved but never the will to say it to them, and sometimes people liked and loved me just as I like someone, all I have rejected, not because that I don't love them, but I was motivated that there is a better person somewhere out there, that in the future I would have this perfect girlfriend, and I know that it is impossible but I did, I did believe that predicament, that I've hurt people with feelings for me, that I've hurt myself. 

Come to think that I've always prayed to god to match me up with somebody's worthy, someone perfect, and I'm afraid that god had granted this wish of mine and I have rejected it, maybe across the people that I have denied love would be the right one and in the future that I live a happy life. It's like when you're out shopping and you found a lot of things that you've wanted but you can only spend on one, so you walked around thinking that there is going to be a cheaper price from what I wanted, the thing about love and life is that you can never go back, when things have passed it will pass. And you can only do either to forget or to regret. Another thing that you don't know is whether these choices you've made would be the right one. What it could have been if you went the other way around.

We welcome you 2014, May you bring us prosperous joys and fill our dreams.

New Year is nearing, this shall be the post to make a friend with the coming year. So many things had happened in the past year, ups and downs and certainly memories made. People come and go, travelers, strangers and friends alike. Won't be watching any fireworks, unless it appear tremendously huge lighting the night sky, maybe I can watch it from my apartment high up. I wonder what plans my friend had for the upcoming year.  As for same old resolution, n
ot much resolution to be had now, been occupied with work. Maybe sooner or later it will come, maybe enough motivation to get motivated to do stuff that is progressive. Another interesting news is that in 2015 another apocalypse prediction, we will see how it goes till then, hopefully the years ahead will be blessed. Maybe a lot of traveling and meeting new people and include experience new things. Things have been looking up or more to that I have looking things up, appreciating the little things and appreciating the moment, things that happen now rather than thinking about the future. All I can say is that cheers on the magic we have made. Maybe the years ahead brings us more magical moments.

" Who can say when the roads meet,

That love might be, in your heart? 

and who can

say when the day sleeps, and the night keeps all your heart. "

Enya- Only time.

I stumble upon a beautiful masterpiece of the ear, a song by Enya simply find its way fitting perfectly on this lonely night. Here I ponder, typing sheepishly and asking myself numerous questions. A sad feeling, I was brought back to the past. Flashes of images sweeps through my mind. The days, the good old days when we were young. The crazy things we do. Where did all that go. Somehow somewhere along the way it just slips beyond our grasps. By the time now everyone has tread their own path. Changing things and simply move on. But I can't, I won't. I maybe considered to be filled with these appraises and applauses but it just won't cut it. I want to go back, going back to the memories, stay there a little longer, embracing the moment. The moments where we talk around about our future, and the long silent drives embracing the night, The adventures we had, somehow we were isolated now, pulled apart or just simply by our own will and wishes. Listening to this song and compressing all of this thoughts and images coming back and forth is simply tranquil, like the rain in the night. 

Dear friends, I miss you.

Dusting old memories, a sanctuary left to dust. I am revisiting. The urge to write is unbearable. A thought to share. Memorandum for the future. An anarchy for the thought. Likewise I am fine, making new friends. And old ones are still be remembered dearly. There are many thoughts clouding in the mind. Future related. Love and such.
Tonight a fourth attempt of proposal from another familiar faces. Another rejection given. For what am I feeling, i questioned myself, my sanity. Making quick decisions, sometimes I ponder whether it was the right choice I have made. It is certainly a gamble. Which we not know whether we have won or we have lost. Ecstasy in our present times, never felt the urge to wonder the prize we have taken or the things we have lost. At nights I always fantasized on how I could reverse time and chosen the other way around and wait to see whether the road not taken was a better worth. This gamble we take is certainly daring. One wrong choices will lead to another, A butterfly effect it seems. Thus, I wonder the decisions I made just now was the right one, or did I just lost and opportunity for a better future, or perhaps nothing had change. I sometimes wonder whether god almighty had answered my prayers or it is just me who just rejected a 'gift', something I wanted all along.
Reminds me of a story about a guy drowning and a boat passed by to help, but he refused and said "God will help me." Even after many people lending a hand. Then he died, went and see god and asked why didn't you save me. The irony of god replying, "I sent you three boats to help but you refuse." It makes me ponder whether my egoistic self consume my rational way of thinking. However it is, we just don't know the gamble we did, what we had lost and gain.

It is in the midst of night, but the sky flashes bright with fireworks and loud bangs knocking off alarm cars. It is  the chinese new year and people are sleepless celebrating it. With their reunion dinner and such. Speaking of reunion. It has been years since me and my closest friend were apart. We were all busy with our own roads and it seems I have been switching lanes between buddies. Recently I was close to a group of friends, the crazy ones just like before. New profound friends and sometimes I felt like I have neglected the old pals. And even the ones I've known since child have lost contact completely and to add that I am not likely have the 'socialize perk'. I am not the one who would start a party or make a gathering plans, I was the person who follows where the crowd goes. I was thinking, what if our paths crossed again, which is no doubt it will. I honestly don't know how to react to this situation, should we talked about the weather? Will it be a long conversation, and awkward ones or just the loudest silence.

I have been lectured regarding responsibility recently and i have to admit it is painfully true. I am not a responsible person or that I am afraid of responsibility, the effects of being blamed. It is inevitable. I want to become responsible but most times I just cant or just lazy to face it. I'll just leave it to my procrastination side of me.

Finally, I will be continuing my studies in the field of arts in parts of places that I am not really fond  off. A place so remote and quiet and I cant even see life. I just hope everything will turn out in a good way. I just have to count my blessings and make some lemonades since life gave me lemons to do some. I will try to make the best out of it.

I was hoping I would met 'the one' there or wherever love may find me.

I've just watched wreck it ralph today, and disney's animations never failed to leave impact me in a way most animations cannot. The character Vanellope is so adorable. Another to add to the list of interesting characters. Almost made me teary eyed at most parts. But the movie reflects me in a way which are 'tired', 'change', 'gratitude', 'unfair'.

The way the main character Ralph gets tired on living his life forcibly as the bad guy gets envious of the hero who have been treated with grace and medals. Jealousy makes ralph wanting to change his life, against what he had been programmed. But the effect of his doing gets everyone in trouble. But it is unfair to begin with. ditched and neglected. Which he met eventually someone with worse fate. Which managed to have enthusiasm and be strong when the world itself against it. And in the end it ended with gratitude in what he had before.

If I applicate the cartoon animation to real life. I want to change my life, I want to see the world and meet different people like the character did, interesting people, people with stories and experience to share, and it will definitely embedded into my brain and hopefully with enough experience to learn from life and be grateful that I am still breathing, still able to do things.

p.s: just a reminder to you when you look back.

 " I know there are people who say all this things don't happen. I know that this will be stories someday, but right now we are alive and in this moment, I swear we are infinite. "

Quoted from the movie "Perks of Being a Wallflower."  One of my favorite from 2012. Today on the other hand is the 1st of january 2013, a year older. Survived another end of the world predictions. This new year's eve does not seem to feel the way as it is. We didn't have any new year celebrations, everyone were far apart and busy with their own ordeals. We just sat in our room and do things just like any other day except that the sounds of fireworks chimes through the walls and colorful lights fills the black sky. How time runs like life is a race.

I was the same as I was, Personal preferences to me new year resolution aren't necessary at a certain date. I will make it as I go through life. But new year always gave me that feeling of change, and chance. When the clock strikes 12 and the lights marks the night, I feel that an opportunity has arisen. Like you are welcoming something into yourself. But it is a good feeling nonetheless.

I have been staying at home doing regressive deeds for a while and always pondering whether to get a part time job. I always feel lazy and procrastinate when I have the chance to. I felt burdened spending a whole lot of money that was not earned by me. But I am doing a slight progress, like going to the gym, maintains the distance to god and do some side business related. But it is not enough, I still feel empty.
It is kind of hard to get happy nowadays, I don't know what I want exactly, what to feed this thoughts of mine. I ponder on what I like to do when I was younger. I've tried but it feels the same. I want to blame it on Bipolar Disorder but I've tried my best to avoid that.
If you would to understand my feelings, a piece of motion art have described it perfectly.

A lot of loss

My status now is that I am still waiting for a call to continue my studies to a degree level. While mentioning that, a chinese businessman I met recently told me that study is a waste of time and that I should work instead and start from there. I've been holding on to that thought for a little while now. I'll just follow where the river takes me.

I guess that it is for the start of a new book. And here you are reading fragments of my thoughts. Welcome two thousand and thirteen.

DEPENDING ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
12/12/2012

Life. I remember we are full of it when we are young, and naive. A few days back was my birthday, and I am almost at the end of my studies. My first part of university life will end by this last few weeks, how long has it been since then. It saddens me that we have to depart, we have to say farewell. And probably will not be remembered in the future, or talked about or even noticed. The drama's is about to end, so many things happen, if counted, if to be looked at. I want a future to be beautiful like the polaroid, I want to be remembered, but I am a pessimist, I've lost my optimistic self on a certain event of life which I am still unsure of, full of doubts. Where to put the blame. Those frowns were ever to be turned into a smile, of how I wanted to portray something so vague into something with a definition. I am a puzzle unsolved, and can't be solved.

Today marks the date 16th April 2012. I diagnosed myself with Premature Balding. Which simply means I will be getting bald soon. Although a bit faint at heart, but this is considered normal. Another diagnosis is that I have a disease called Bipolar Disorder.

Not a disease, more of a mental illness. That single sentence just truly explain every single old post about me being emotional.

Anyone who follows my post surely remember me being roller coaster. First the world went crashing down. Everything went gray. Hence the gray city. The rain. Black Clouds. All those ramblings of me being all sad. There are friends who notice this and came to help. Even my daily excitement of fun things to do does not work out. Hence the dark poems, and lost in sentence.

Then out of all the sudden, I was back in my feet and nothing can stop me. The funny thing is I even wrote, " Why is everyone so sad, thank god I am happy everyday. " Something like that.

I was happy for a time then it came crashing down again. What people simply called moodswings.

But its not. It is a mental illness. Which most of us does not realize.

Today I found out something more remarkable yet sad. I was currently in my state of depression. So I try to feed this soul and change the brain's deception, so I browse through a friend I met long ago, not close but I've known and he is known well. A fellow cosplayer I met at a comic convention. I just want to glimpse his profile on facebook hoping to find pictures of his exciting life, in a sense that it would inspire me. But Instead I found all his friends were spamming pictures, quotes and get well soon notes. Not any ordinary posts, a long list of friends who cares for this person makes me quite envious but no, I am more to pity than envious.

His friends were uploading pictures of old times. Most of them said, " Remember the times..., " I hope you remember me..., " Please come back...., " I've known you since..., " You still owe me... " :'(..

I read a few post and clearly thought that this is not normal. I believe this person was having a mental illness. Amnesia. To be cleared from an accident. Just like the movie The Vow. I read through his page, outdated with friends trying to help him regain his memory. A note of concern and tears shed through the posts. His brother also post and said something similar like. " One day he will remember, and we can be like always. "

I was already worried about my life then I came to realize. What if that same thing happened to me, or my friends. Were the photos and memories I've taken all this years are enough?

I've decided to always documented my life and all around me, which includes keeping this blog, diaries. For future sake.

P.S Lately I have this fear of nothingness. The void. The possibilites of zero, empty. I don't know, i just afraid of one day. There will be nothing. Kind of like death, which I am also currently fearing.

Perfect Melancholy

Perfect Melancholy appears to be thinking deeply. He is quiet, undemanding, and likes to be alone. They are introvert, deep, quiet, and thoughtful. They are serious people who set along-range goals and want to do only what has eternal purpose. They are musicians, artists, and writers because. They are born with genius potential that, properly motivated and cultivated, will produce giants. They appreciate gifted person, admire geniuses, and admit an occasional tear of emotion. Their minds think in such an orderly fashion that they see figures. They are well dressed and meticulously groomed. Perfect Melancholy motto in life is if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Problems in Perfect Melancholy;

Perfect Melancholy is always been able to prove to himself that he is right and the world is wrong. He knows he could be happy if others would be like him. Perfect Melancholy is easily depressed. They must realize no one likes gloomy people; they must not look for trouble, don’t get hurt so easily, look for positives, and read blow away the black clouds. Perfect Melancholy has low self-images. They must search out the source of your insecurities; listen for evidence of false humility. Perfect Melancholy procrastinates. They must get the right things before starting, don’t spend so much time planning. Perfect Melancholy put unrealistic demands on others. Must relax your standards; be grateful you understand your temperament.

I am the perfect melancholy as they say, not the Popular Sanguine or powerful choleric neither a peaceful phlegmatic.

The traits that I am.

It is the start of a new year for the roman calendar. The predictions of doomsday, planet x, comet, ice age and solar storm warning. Though the 2012 rumors were not entirely to be believable but I do believe that the earth is sick and only time will tell.

So far this year has it's up and downs. The ugly and what not to the sweetest of moments. All in but in the process of learning life. Met new friends, made new enemy's. Savor the experience thoroughly to the very last bite.

Things I learn this year

1- What goes around always comes back around. You do nice things you get nice stuff. You do bad things, then bad things will happen to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but you will get payed for the things you have done.

2- Get closer to god, because the almighty is the creator. The omnipotent that creates your fate. So pray more.

3- Silence is golden. Be careful of what you want to say. Because words are like knife. You can do it for justice or just the other way around.

4- People are not people. Most of the person you know is not themselves. Cloaked in black cape, and wears mask all the time. You can trust, but you must keep the boundaries.

5- Do not tell lies. Don't even start on lying. Because little lies can become a huge monster that will kill you eventually.

6- SoulSeeker. There were times where we felt like everything is crashing down. Everything feels wrong. Your hope is lost. But do not falter, keep having faith. In life we'll fall often but we need to get back up. Always look forward, don't look back. And good things do happen so it is not stupid to hope for them.

So I'll cut it short to what things I wanted to achieve this year.

1- Graduate with joyful bliss.

2- Find a life partner.

3- Do lots of travelling.

4- Finish up my comic.

5- Try not to procastinate

7- Keep my distance close to god and my religion.

8- Become someone I can be proud of.

9- Healthier lifestyle.

10- Open up more

11- Stay closer to the ones I dear.

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

-Benjamin Button-

I've looked up images of my favorite artist, ranging from voice actors to singers. The same thought interrupts the tranquility of the mind. "What if" but more like " Wouldn't be nice".

" Wouldn't it be nice if I'm with her. "

The countless days of grasses that I have missed. The blooming flowers that I have turn down upon. The chances that came and I let it go by.The doors that are open, I close it back. I wonder would I ever change.

The days I've spent was more exhausting, but I've done nothing at all. Every morning I woke up in the sense of hopeless. I didn't have that motivation to be awake. I wanted to finish my work but I didn't feel like it. I've played games and hangout with mates and it still feels the same. I felt like doing nothing, nothing at all. It is not a lazy song but more worthy to an empty song.I feel empty. Perhaps these emptiness I felt was

loneliness.

The design of fate itself truly remarkable and surprising. The moment I was thinking the same thing and out of the blue being told the same thing. But I have evaluate the terms and conditions how two souls met and last. I was a coward at things like this. That is the truth, and I am a coward from confronting the truth, I was a coward at everything.

The moment I sat silence, it is the moment where I am thinking, and I have think far. Too far that I giggle at the situation. It was very awkward. You can say that I was in deep dilemma, something I lost once, came back all of a sudden. It is quite shocking. Same time expected and at the same time unexpected.

I was confuse between guilt and pride. Between hope and desperation. It is like you want to have but at the same time you don't. I was petrified upon pity and trembled upon fear. Should or should not, it was quite a choice to pick when it comes to something big as finding a life partner. Sometimes I wish it was never happened and sometimes I wish it happened earlier. A choice to choose, to continue or discontinue. My thoughts drowned me.

I've come to know her as my friend, and accepted the way as it is though I do have a major crush on her since the early age. But I thought she was not into me and I get over it as soon as I can. I've decided to move on and take where fate takes me. I've move along.

"Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time"

-Taylor Swift-

I was afraid of those words from Taylor Swift, being in that situation scares me. I just never realize that, how stubborn. My feelings are biased, my thoughts are a prejudice.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

-Adele-

Honestly I do like it just the way it is, just be friends. I don't want to lose you dear not by heartbreaks. I just wanted it to be the way it was before. I hope you understand, it is a very hard choice, and this choice I chose with my hearts content. And I will not regret this choice as you would do. You are very brave but I believe that I am not the person for you and you are not the person for me. I can't make you happy and so do you. I sincerely hope you'll find someone better than me, someone who can truly make you happy. It was truly enchanting to meet you, it really is. It was a decision I had to make, I hope you understand.

sincerely to us

-The Thing-

I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

All this time, i felt sudden lost. I tremble along with my fears, and become paranoid. Scared the living shit out of my own life. I try to wake up in the midst of the night just to hear the house breathing, snoring noises, sounds from the refrigerator and the chimes of the wind. When all is dead, I felt alive. I wanted to be alive.

The silence of the night never fails to treat me nicely, soothing and tranquils me with it's words. I always stares at the window, blank for a few hours. Sometimes I think, sometimes I just stare pointlessly. How long has it been? I felt like being trapped in a cave, or a prison. And finally being released for a while and stared asking around " What day is it?, What year is it? Where am I?

I pushed up my cellphone through the contact list. I feel like I need someone to talk to. There are a few people which I could conduct my feelings to. Expression is something that I rarely do. That is why i get poisoned most of the times. I have no companion, that night I felt I was alone.

Along the contact list it is hard enough to find a single person who will help me endure this feeling. I did not find a companion. I need someone special to hear my mind. I can't say words to my family, I did not want to falter their heart. I forgot my dear diary, the enigma. Though words I wrote, here I realize that I was alone all this time.

I used to write poems, I used to love the things I do. But as I grow up, i succumb to time and force me to do what I don't love. And things we love can fade.

I watched Talentime by Yasmin Ahmad, yes just watched a 2009 film. Actually I have the film a long time ago but didn't have the inspiration to watch it and somehow the film actually made me drop tears. Spoiler alert.

The final scene which a boy reminiscence the plight with his mother just kills me. Her mother just passed away in a hospital and he hug her tightly on her deathbed. I feel him as I attempt to imagine myself in his shoes. But the time will come and I've always ready but never prepared.

Day by day passed and I haven't got that flick of a light, this life is still clouded with black skies and my lantern is about to fade.

I found something new about myself which now I am sure of. I like reading or watching or knowing other people's life. Biographies. That is why I enjoyed watching films like big fish, curious case of benjamin button and so on. But at the same time makes me think about my own life.

Most of the movies were just flashbacks of their previous lives. At the stage of dying, they told their own life to their children or someone special. The places they have been, the people they have met, the wonders that they have done.

When I get old, I wanted to tell stories like they did, how I fear of getting old, how I love fairytales. The many faces that I have met, the beautiful places that I have been. But the matter is that it wasn't as memorable as it have been. I mean it could have been better.

I was quite jealous of people who can just quit something and start something new. Like a person who dislike his job and quickly changes to the job he likes. Experiencing new things, but it is just me, I am afraid of changes. I am a coward at these things.

I imagine when we were older,gray hair, wrinkled faces, sitting by the stool, talk about kids nowadays and dreaming about the past.

And we wished that we were younger...

At times I wonder what is the purpose of this and that. Why does it happen and why am I am always involved in the problems that my social circle make. There were times I felt really angry, and some moment I felt disgust with what is all that happening around me. A few moments I endure pain which is uncertain, not to the heart but to the head. It is like gears and bolts in my brain never put to rest, always go back and forth on the same ordeal. Thus it leads the body is such distress, strain and unsettling nerves. I am thinking about what I am thinking.

" Forcing laughters faking smiles, same old tired lonely place, walls of insincerity. "

-taylor swift-

There were phases where I felt the world was not in order, where the system does not cope and when the laws were breakable. Maybe it is just that this city is corrupted, and I am living in a corrupted system, enforced by corrupted laws, and forcing me to corrupt.

But there are also phases where It felt calm, secure and at peace.

Maybe this is just a test to see where I can put my head in order. Organizing my life back, and restore the peace within. Maybe I've just got to smile more.'

Greenday taught me that government's gonna fail someday.
Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I love
Adam Lambert taught me to be myself and not to be ashame.
Katy Perry taught me that we must always move on
Eminem taught me that life is hard but you can make it through
Taylor Swift taught me not every relationship is painless.
Michael Jackson taught me to always love the people around me
Music taught me to live.