ENIGMA

Today marks the date 16th April 2012. I diagnosed myself with Premature Balding. Which simply means I will be getting bald soon. Although a bit faint at heart, but this is considered normal. Another diagnosis is that I have a disease called Bipolar Disorder.

Not a disease, more of a mental illness. That single sentence just truly explain every single old post about me being emotional.

Anyone who follows my post surely remember me being roller coaster. First the world went crashing down. Everything went gray. Hence the gray city. The rain. Black Clouds. All those ramblings of me being all sad. There are friends who notice this and came to help. Even my daily excitement of fun things to do does not work out. Hence the dark poems, and lost in sentence.

Then out of all the sudden, I was back in my feet and nothing can stop me. The funny thing is I even wrote, " Why is everyone so sad, thank god I am happy everyday. " Something like that.

I was happy for a time then it came crashing down again. What people simply called moodswings.

But its not. It is a mental illness. Which most of us does not realize.

Today I found out something more remarkable yet sad. I was currently in my state of depression. So I try to feed this soul and change the brain's deception, so I browse through a friend I met long ago, not close but I've known and he is known well. A fellow cosplayer I met at a comic convention. I just want to glimpse his profile on facebook hoping to find pictures of his exciting life, in a sense that it would inspire me. But Instead I found all his friends were spamming pictures, quotes and get well soon notes. Not any ordinary posts, a long list of friends who cares for this person makes me quite envious but no, I am more to pity than envious.

His friends were uploading pictures of old times. Most of them said, " Remember the times..., " I hope you remember me..., " Please come back...., " I've known you since..., " You still owe me... " :'(..

I read a few post and clearly thought that this is not normal. I believe this person was having a mental illness. Amnesia. To be cleared from an accident. Just like the movie The Vow. I read through his page, outdated with friends trying to help him regain his memory. A note of concern and tears shed through the posts. His brother also post and said something similar like. " One day he will remember, and we can be like always. "

I was already worried about my life then I came to realize. What if that same thing happened to me, or my friends. Were the photos and memories I've taken all this years are enough?

I've decided to always documented my life and all around me, which includes keeping this blog, diaries. For future sake.

P.S Lately I have this fear of nothingness. The void. The possibilites of zero, empty. I don't know, i just afraid of one day. There will be nothing. Kind of like death, which I am also currently fearing.