Past week have been quite a rough ride. All the evil happened, emotions mixed up and the roller coaster ride that is never ending. Filling my mind with rambling questions, having headaches and I get angry all the time. Moodswings and PMS like moods are turning around and round. A whole rounded up feelings of despair and anxiety. The feel of sadness entwines and twisted and it bring horrid results. A gloomy day, and everything became lifeless, sunken. Reading ,playing games and all of it doesn't seem to satisfy this heart of mine. I have tried feeding this soul, but it seems to be more hungry, having this hunger for something I don't know of. It seems like past few days I've been searching and looking high and low for the puzzle pieces.

And just maybe, it wasn't all those emo probes, coaster moodswings. Or maybe these dull sensation or greyish pastel view. Maybe it's not about all those rants I used to ramble about. Maybe it's not outdoors that I'm longing. Maybe it's not about future problems. Maybe it's not about everything mentioned above. Maybe and just maybe...

Maybe I'm just lonely.

I pause myself for a moment to think and see where I am, or what I am. As I grow up, I realize that fairytales and dreams are harder to believe, I've faced reality and it is full of disappointment. It has been years since my childhood. I see changes in everything nowadays.

Especially people around me, most of them are not the same person as they were before.

Even my sister, already showed drastic changes. As far as I know it, she never care how she looks before, she never wore make-up. Now, she is a different person, although that seems to bring up some good things like enhancing her self-esteem. But at the same time I can see ego is taking place.

I can also feel that some of my friends are changing, into better or for worst. Most of them went to college and turned into another person. Living with the title hedonisme, they're always in the pursuit for pleasure while some of them create an image just to blend in. Some of them turned into a new leaf and others simply stays in the same position as they were before.

Frankly speaking, it's not them to be blamed. I think I have grown old enough to understand that nothing last forever. When the time is ripe, time will change everything. Including myself.

But I'm not too fond of changes, it's better having the original because certain things were better before.

Eventhough I have this fear of changes but I know I'll have to face it eventually. Because changes are a part of reality and reality is where I lived in.

" Sometimes you just sit at home and remember the old times.

You laugh by yourself with a ridiculous smile.

Then you have that one tear run down your cheek cause

all of it changed. "

Days passed by and I realize that my holiday is lapsing. The worst part is that I am still in the same condition. It gives me headaches. I couldn't stop thinking. And the silly part is I couldn't understand what am I putting my head into so much. It drove me insane.

I have this mixed feelings and my view seems to be dull, blunt. Someone precious once asked;

" Are you happy? "

I said I was, but the truth is that I don't know. I have most of the things I needed but it doesn't seem to satisfy myself. I tried to feed this poor soul of mine, but it seems to be hungry for something I don't know of. I'm sick. I have done so much, and I am at an end. All in vain.

So I'm sending an S.O.S. Help.

I asked for strength...

And god gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom...

And god gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity...

And god gave me brain and energy to work.

I asked for courage...

And God gave me Danger to overcome

I asked for love..

And god gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for favors...

And god gave me opportunities.

I receive nothing I wanted.

But I received everything I needed.

We had an amazing gathering last night, serving grilled chicken on the evening on top off some mashed potatoes, and Pepper Pastas. Surrounding the fire and chat it all out about the pasts while roasting dozens of marshmallows. Hearing silly jokes, seeing ridiculous stunts, and calling up names. We talked about our schooldays, the bittersweet moments we used to share. Trading tales and stories, and updating the latest news about themselves. It was a joyride on it's own.

Until we started to realize that it all went through so fast, reliving the olden days are almost impossible now, realizing that it's a fair game, we went through our days and it's time someone else's should have the same taste. Undeniably, we are moving forward without even realizing it.

And soon we aged through the days, imagine another reunion around 10 years to call. How do we look till then, how many children do we have or do we even get married.

But now, we only have to live the time we had and appreciate those little things we often take for granted. Life is a ride itself.

" Time is the coin of your life, it is the only coin you have,

and only you can determine

how it will be spent. "

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,

drifting through the wind, wanting to start again.

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,

like a house of cards, one blow from caving in.

Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under,

scream, but no one seems to hear a thing.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you,

cause there's a spark in you.

You don't have to feel like a wasted space,

you're original, cannot be replaced.

Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed,

so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road.

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

And when it's time, you'll know.

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine

Just own the night, like the fourth of July.

"Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it."

-confucius-

I just love clicking to those traveling channels, and even in bookstores I never fail to stop by the travel and language section. It's just that the world beyond mine tends to be more fascinating. And such experienced they had gained by those travelers and tv hosts, don't forget the contestant of the amazing race. See how they can overcome many challenges and feel the world. Although it gets me excited, it's not much as the real feeling rather then watching them in pixels or in papers.

I want to experienced it, with my own hands, see it with my own eyes. What a world out there, climb a mountain in peru, bungee jump on the grand canyon, lying on the wide grass at new zealand, scope the stars in egypt. It's truly another world. Far from what we have experience.

I want to learn history and experience their culture, I want something different than what I have experienced on my daily basis. I've known people who traverse to amazing place and when they get back they told this ridiculously amazing journey that they had. As I stood and listen, I felt like what am I doing, I should go out.

Life can't be considered living the fullest if you just live.

It rains often here, it brings this sorrow feel to it but at the same time it drenched away pain. After it fades I went out for a jog, I wonder how far can I run without stopping. I felt that I am with the wind, clearing my mind as I go through. I've realized that it is almost a year now, it's december. Time flies, does it?

This year, I've seen myself and my friends were all facing difficulties and yet some of them are the opposites. Most of them having trouble with their current friends. Hypocrites to be specific. They have all stated their problems but I couldn't lend them a hand. Honestly, even at college I couldn't determine which are my friends and which are my foes. It's like the game of checkers, everyone is trying to eat each other. It's not that I hate them, it's just not the same friends that I used to have. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and not used to it. But realizing that everyone else suffers the same consequences.

I've been through a lot this year, like the roller coaster, I have gone through it's ups and downs and those twists you often don't like. I made some new friends at my college and also have made a lot of people cried this year, from tears of happiness to the despairs. I didn't realize that I was destroying precious things around me as I move. It hurts that is all that I can tell, surrounded by guilt. The most haunting feeling that you can have.

I still can't stop thinking. Figuring something I don't know off. It's like solving mathematical questions which includes infinite numbers. It drove me insane.