Dusting old memories, a sanctuary left to dust. I am revisiting. The urge to write is unbearable. A thought to share. Memorandum for the future. An anarchy for the thought. Likewise I am fine, making new friends. And old ones are still be remembered dearly. There are many thoughts clouding in the mind. Future related. Love and such.
Tonight a fourth attempt of proposal from another familiar faces. Another rejection given. For what am I feeling, i questioned myself, my sanity. Making quick decisions, sometimes I ponder whether it was the right choice I have made. It is certainly a gamble. Which we not know whether we have won or we have lost. Ecstasy in our present times, never felt the urge to wonder the prize we have taken or the things we have lost. At nights I always fantasized on how I could reverse time and chosen the other way around and wait to see whether the road not taken was a better worth. This gamble we take is certainly daring. One wrong choices will lead to another, A butterfly effect it seems. Thus, I wonder the decisions I made just now was the right one, or did I just lost and opportunity for a better future, or perhaps nothing had change. I sometimes wonder whether god almighty had answered my prayers or it is just me who just rejected a 'gift', something I wanted all along.
Reminds me of a story about a guy drowning and a boat passed by to help, but he refused and said "God will help me." Even after many people lending a hand. Then he died, went and see god and asked why didn't you save me. The irony of god replying, "I sent you three boats to help but you refuse." It makes me ponder whether my egoistic self consume my rational way of thinking. However it is, we just don't know the gamble we did, what we had lost and gain.

It is in the midst of night, but the sky flashes bright with fireworks and loud bangs knocking off alarm cars. It is  the chinese new year and people are sleepless celebrating it. With their reunion dinner and such. Speaking of reunion. It has been years since me and my closest friend were apart. We were all busy with our own roads and it seems I have been switching lanes between buddies. Recently I was close to a group of friends, the crazy ones just like before. New profound friends and sometimes I felt like I have neglected the old pals. And even the ones I've known since child have lost contact completely and to add that I am not likely have the 'socialize perk'. I am not the one who would start a party or make a gathering plans, I was the person who follows where the crowd goes. I was thinking, what if our paths crossed again, which is no doubt it will. I honestly don't know how to react to this situation, should we talked about the weather? Will it be a long conversation, and awkward ones or just the loudest silence.

I have been lectured regarding responsibility recently and i have to admit it is painfully true. I am not a responsible person or that I am afraid of responsibility, the effects of being blamed. It is inevitable. I want to become responsible but most times I just cant or just lazy to face it. I'll just leave it to my procrastination side of me.

Finally, I will be continuing my studies in the field of arts in parts of places that I am not really fond  off. A place so remote and quiet and I cant even see life. I just hope everything will turn out in a good way. I just have to count my blessings and make some lemonades since life gave me lemons to do some. I will try to make the best out of it.

I was hoping I would met 'the one' there or wherever love may find me.

I've just watched wreck it ralph today, and disney's animations never failed to leave impact me in a way most animations cannot. The character Vanellope is so adorable. Another to add to the list of interesting characters. Almost made me teary eyed at most parts. But the movie reflects me in a way which are 'tired', 'change', 'gratitude', 'unfair'.

The way the main character Ralph gets tired on living his life forcibly as the bad guy gets envious of the hero who have been treated with grace and medals. Jealousy makes ralph wanting to change his life, against what he had been programmed. But the effect of his doing gets everyone in trouble. But it is unfair to begin with. ditched and neglected. Which he met eventually someone with worse fate. Which managed to have enthusiasm and be strong when the world itself against it. And in the end it ended with gratitude in what he had before.

If I applicate the cartoon animation to real life. I want to change my life, I want to see the world and meet different people like the character did, interesting people, people with stories and experience to share, and it will definitely embedded into my brain and hopefully with enough experience to learn from life and be grateful that I am still breathing, still able to do things.

p.s: just a reminder to you when you look back.

 " I know there are people who say all this things don't happen. I know that this will be stories someday, but right now we are alive and in this moment, I swear we are infinite. "

Quoted from the movie "Perks of Being a Wallflower."  One of my favorite from 2012. Today on the other hand is the 1st of january 2013, a year older. Survived another end of the world predictions. This new year's eve does not seem to feel the way as it is. We didn't have any new year celebrations, everyone were far apart and busy with their own ordeals. We just sat in our room and do things just like any other day except that the sounds of fireworks chimes through the walls and colorful lights fills the black sky. How time runs like life is a race.

I was the same as I was, Personal preferences to me new year resolution aren't necessary at a certain date. I will make it as I go through life. But new year always gave me that feeling of change, and chance. When the clock strikes 12 and the lights marks the night, I feel that an opportunity has arisen. Like you are welcoming something into yourself. But it is a good feeling nonetheless.

I have been staying at home doing regressive deeds for a while and always pondering whether to get a part time job. I always feel lazy and procrastinate when I have the chance to. I felt burdened spending a whole lot of money that was not earned by me. But I am doing a slight progress, like going to the gym, maintains the distance to god and do some side business related. But it is not enough, I still feel empty.
It is kind of hard to get happy nowadays, I don't know what I want exactly, what to feed this thoughts of mine. I ponder on what I like to do when I was younger. I've tried but it feels the same. I want to blame it on Bipolar Disorder but I've tried my best to avoid that.
If you would to understand my feelings, a piece of motion art have described it perfectly.

A lot of loss

My status now is that I am still waiting for a call to continue my studies to a degree level. While mentioning that, a chinese businessman I met recently told me that study is a waste of time and that I should work instead and start from there. I've been holding on to that thought for a little while now. I'll just follow where the river takes me.

I guess that it is for the start of a new book. And here you are reading fragments of my thoughts. Welcome two thousand and thirteen.

DEPENDING ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
12/12/2012

Life. I remember we are full of it when we are young, and naive. A few days back was my birthday, and I am almost at the end of my studies. My first part of university life will end by this last few weeks, how long has it been since then. It saddens me that we have to depart, we have to say farewell. And probably will not be remembered in the future, or talked about or even noticed. The drama's is about to end, so many things happen, if counted, if to be looked at. I want a future to be beautiful like the polaroid, I want to be remembered, but I am a pessimist, I've lost my optimistic self on a certain event of life which I am still unsure of, full of doubts. Where to put the blame. Those frowns were ever to be turned into a smile, of how I wanted to portray something so vague into something with a definition. I am a puzzle unsolved, and can't be solved.

Today marks the date 16th April 2012. I diagnosed myself with Premature Balding. Which simply means I will be getting bald soon. Although a bit faint at heart, but this is considered normal. Another diagnosis is that I have a disease called Bipolar Disorder.

Not a disease, more of a mental illness. That single sentence just truly explain every single old post about me being emotional.

Anyone who follows my post surely remember me being roller coaster. First the world went crashing down. Everything went gray. Hence the gray city. The rain. Black Clouds. All those ramblings of me being all sad. There are friends who notice this and came to help. Even my daily excitement of fun things to do does not work out. Hence the dark poems, and lost in sentence.

Then out of all the sudden, I was back in my feet and nothing can stop me. The funny thing is I even wrote, " Why is everyone so sad, thank god I am happy everyday. " Something like that.

I was happy for a time then it came crashing down again. What people simply called moodswings.

But its not. It is a mental illness. Which most of us does not realize.

Today I found out something more remarkable yet sad. I was currently in my state of depression. So I try to feed this soul and change the brain's deception, so I browse through a friend I met long ago, not close but I've known and he is known well. A fellow cosplayer I met at a comic convention. I just want to glimpse his profile on facebook hoping to find pictures of his exciting life, in a sense that it would inspire me. But Instead I found all his friends were spamming pictures, quotes and get well soon notes. Not any ordinary posts, a long list of friends who cares for this person makes me quite envious but no, I am more to pity than envious.

His friends were uploading pictures of old times. Most of them said, " Remember the times..., " I hope you remember me..., " Please come back...., " I've known you since..., " You still owe me... " :'(..

I read a few post and clearly thought that this is not normal. I believe this person was having a mental illness. Amnesia. To be cleared from an accident. Just like the movie The Vow. I read through his page, outdated with friends trying to help him regain his memory. A note of concern and tears shed through the posts. His brother also post and said something similar like. " One day he will remember, and we can be like always. "

I was already worried about my life then I came to realize. What if that same thing happened to me, or my friends. Were the photos and memories I've taken all this years are enough?

I've decided to always documented my life and all around me, which includes keeping this blog, diaries. For future sake.

P.S Lately I have this fear of nothingness. The void. The possibilites of zero, empty. I don't know, i just afraid of one day. There will be nothing. Kind of like death, which I am also currently fearing.