I've just watched wreck it ralph today, and disney's animations never failed to leave impact me in a way most animations cannot. The character Vanellope is so adorable. Another to add to the list of interesting characters. Almost made me teary eyed at most parts. But the movie reflects me in a way which are 'tired', 'change', 'gratitude', 'unfair'.

The way the main character Ralph gets tired on living his life forcibly as the bad guy gets envious of the hero who have been treated with grace and medals. Jealousy makes ralph wanting to change his life, against what he had been programmed. But the effect of his doing gets everyone in trouble. But it is unfair to begin with. ditched and neglected. Which he met eventually someone with worse fate. Which managed to have enthusiasm and be strong when the world itself against it. And in the end it ended with gratitude in what he had before.

If I applicate the cartoon animation to real life. I want to change my life, I want to see the world and meet different people like the character did, interesting people, people with stories and experience to share, and it will definitely embedded into my brain and hopefully with enough experience to learn from life and be grateful that I am still breathing, still able to do things.

p.s: just a reminder to you when you look back.

 " I know there are people who say all this things don't happen. I know that this will be stories someday, but right now we are alive and in this moment, I swear we are infinite. "

Quoted from the movie "Perks of Being a Wallflower."  One of my favorite from 2012. Today on the other hand is the 1st of january 2013, a year older. Survived another end of the world predictions. This new year's eve does not seem to feel the way as it is. We didn't have any new year celebrations, everyone were far apart and busy with their own ordeals. We just sat in our room and do things just like any other day except that the sounds of fireworks chimes through the walls and colorful lights fills the black sky. How time runs like life is a race.

I was the same as I was, Personal preferences to me new year resolution aren't necessary at a certain date. I will make it as I go through life. But new year always gave me that feeling of change, and chance. When the clock strikes 12 and the lights marks the night, I feel that an opportunity has arisen. Like you are welcoming something into yourself. But it is a good feeling nonetheless.

I have been staying at home doing regressive deeds for a while and always pondering whether to get a part time job. I always feel lazy and procrastinate when I have the chance to. I felt burdened spending a whole lot of money that was not earned by me. But I am doing a slight progress, like going to the gym, maintains the distance to god and do some side business related. But it is not enough, I still feel empty.
It is kind of hard to get happy nowadays, I don't know what I want exactly, what to feed this thoughts of mine. I ponder on what I like to do when I was younger. I've tried but it feels the same. I want to blame it on Bipolar Disorder but I've tried my best to avoid that.
If you would to understand my feelings, a piece of motion art have described it perfectly.

A lot of loss

My status now is that I am still waiting for a call to continue my studies to a degree level. While mentioning that, a chinese businessman I met recently told me that study is a waste of time and that I should work instead and start from there. I've been holding on to that thought for a little while now. I'll just follow where the river takes me.

I guess that it is for the start of a new book. And here you are reading fragments of my thoughts. Welcome two thousand and thirteen.

DEPENDING ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
12/12/2012

Life. I remember we are full of it when we are young, and naive. A few days back was my birthday, and I am almost at the end of my studies. My first part of university life will end by this last few weeks, how long has it been since then. It saddens me that we have to depart, we have to say farewell. And probably will not be remembered in the future, or talked about or even noticed. The drama's is about to end, so many things happen, if counted, if to be looked at. I want a future to be beautiful like the polaroid, I want to be remembered, but I am a pessimist, I've lost my optimistic self on a certain event of life which I am still unsure of, full of doubts. Where to put the blame. Those frowns were ever to be turned into a smile, of how I wanted to portray something so vague into something with a definition. I am a puzzle unsolved, and can't be solved.

Today marks the date 16th April 2012. I diagnosed myself with Premature Balding. Which simply means I will be getting bald soon. Although a bit faint at heart, but this is considered normal. Another diagnosis is that I have a disease called Bipolar Disorder.

Not a disease, more of a mental illness. That single sentence just truly explain every single old post about me being emotional.

Anyone who follows my post surely remember me being roller coaster. First the world went crashing down. Everything went gray. Hence the gray city. The rain. Black Clouds. All those ramblings of me being all sad. There are friends who notice this and came to help. Even my daily excitement of fun things to do does not work out. Hence the dark poems, and lost in sentence.

Then out of all the sudden, I was back in my feet and nothing can stop me. The funny thing is I even wrote, " Why is everyone so sad, thank god I am happy everyday. " Something like that.

I was happy for a time then it came crashing down again. What people simply called moodswings.

But its not. It is a mental illness. Which most of us does not realize.

Today I found out something more remarkable yet sad. I was currently in my state of depression. So I try to feed this soul and change the brain's deception, so I browse through a friend I met long ago, not close but I've known and he is known well. A fellow cosplayer I met at a comic convention. I just want to glimpse his profile on facebook hoping to find pictures of his exciting life, in a sense that it would inspire me. But Instead I found all his friends were spamming pictures, quotes and get well soon notes. Not any ordinary posts, a long list of friends who cares for this person makes me quite envious but no, I am more to pity than envious.

His friends were uploading pictures of old times. Most of them said, " Remember the times..., " I hope you remember me..., " Please come back...., " I've known you since..., " You still owe me... " :'(..

I read a few post and clearly thought that this is not normal. I believe this person was having a mental illness. Amnesia. To be cleared from an accident. Just like the movie The Vow. I read through his page, outdated with friends trying to help him regain his memory. A note of concern and tears shed through the posts. His brother also post and said something similar like. " One day he will remember, and we can be like always. "

I was already worried about my life then I came to realize. What if that same thing happened to me, or my friends. Were the photos and memories I've taken all this years are enough?

I've decided to always documented my life and all around me, which includes keeping this blog, diaries. For future sake.

P.S Lately I have this fear of nothingness. The void. The possibilites of zero, empty. I don't know, i just afraid of one day. There will be nothing. Kind of like death, which I am also currently fearing.

Perfect Melancholy

Perfect Melancholy appears to be thinking deeply. He is quiet, undemanding, and likes to be alone. They are introvert, deep, quiet, and thoughtful. They are serious people who set along-range goals and want to do only what has eternal purpose. They are musicians, artists, and writers because. They are born with genius potential that, properly motivated and cultivated, will produce giants. They appreciate gifted person, admire geniuses, and admit an occasional tear of emotion. Their minds think in such an orderly fashion that they see figures. They are well dressed and meticulously groomed. Perfect Melancholy motto in life is if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Problems in Perfect Melancholy;

Perfect Melancholy is always been able to prove to himself that he is right and the world is wrong. He knows he could be happy if others would be like him. Perfect Melancholy is easily depressed. They must realize no one likes gloomy people; they must not look for trouble, don’t get hurt so easily, look for positives, and read blow away the black clouds. Perfect Melancholy has low self-images. They must search out the source of your insecurities; listen for evidence of false humility. Perfect Melancholy procrastinates. They must get the right things before starting, don’t spend so much time planning. Perfect Melancholy put unrealistic demands on others. Must relax your standards; be grateful you understand your temperament.

I am the perfect melancholy as they say, not the Popular Sanguine or powerful choleric neither a peaceful phlegmatic.

The traits that I am.

It is the start of a new year for the roman calendar. The predictions of doomsday, planet x, comet, ice age and solar storm warning. Though the 2012 rumors were not entirely to be believable but I do believe that the earth is sick and only time will tell.

So far this year has it's up and downs. The ugly and what not to the sweetest of moments. All in but in the process of learning life. Met new friends, made new enemy's. Savor the experience thoroughly to the very last bite.

Things I learn this year

1- What goes around always comes back around. You do nice things you get nice stuff. You do bad things, then bad things will happen to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but you will get payed for the things you have done.

2- Get closer to god, because the almighty is the creator. The omnipotent that creates your fate. So pray more.

3- Silence is golden. Be careful of what you want to say. Because words are like knife. You can do it for justice or just the other way around.

4- People are not people. Most of the person you know is not themselves. Cloaked in black cape, and wears mask all the time. You can trust, but you must keep the boundaries.

5- Do not tell lies. Don't even start on lying. Because little lies can become a huge monster that will kill you eventually.

6- SoulSeeker. There were times where we felt like everything is crashing down. Everything feels wrong. Your hope is lost. But do not falter, keep having faith. In life we'll fall often but we need to get back up. Always look forward, don't look back. And good things do happen so it is not stupid to hope for them.

So I'll cut it short to what things I wanted to achieve this year.

1- Graduate with joyful bliss.

2- Find a life partner.

3- Do lots of travelling.

4- Finish up my comic.

5- Try not to procastinate

7- Keep my distance close to god and my religion.

8- Become someone I can be proud of.

9- Healthier lifestyle.

10- Open up more

11- Stay closer to the ones I dear.

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

-Benjamin Button-