The design of fate itself truly remarkable and surprising. The moment I was thinking the same thing and out of the blue being told the same thing. But I have evaluate the terms and conditions how two souls met and last. I was a coward at things like this. That is the truth, and I am a coward from confronting the truth, I was a coward at everything.

The moment I sat silence, it is the moment where I am thinking, and I have think far. Too far that I giggle at the situation. It was very awkward. You can say that I was in deep dilemma, something I lost once, came back all of a sudden. It is quite shocking. Same time expected and at the same time unexpected.

I was confuse between guilt and pride. Between hope and desperation. It is like you want to have but at the same time you don't. I was petrified upon pity and trembled upon fear. Should or should not, it was quite a choice to pick when it comes to something big as finding a life partner. Sometimes I wish it was never happened and sometimes I wish it happened earlier. A choice to choose, to continue or discontinue. My thoughts drowned me.

I've come to know her as my friend, and accepted the way as it is though I do have a major crush on her since the early age. But I thought she was not into me and I get over it as soon as I can. I've decided to move on and take where fate takes me. I've move along.

"Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time"

-Taylor Swift-

I was afraid of those words from Taylor Swift, being in that situation scares me. I just never realize that, how stubborn. My feelings are biased, my thoughts are a prejudice.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

-Adele-

Honestly I do like it just the way it is, just be friends. I don't want to lose you dear not by heartbreaks. I just wanted it to be the way it was before. I hope you understand, it is a very hard choice, and this choice I chose with my hearts content. And I will not regret this choice as you would do. You are very brave but I believe that I am not the person for you and you are not the person for me. I can't make you happy and so do you. I sincerely hope you'll find someone better than me, someone who can truly make you happy. It was truly enchanting to meet you, it really is. It was a decision I had to make, I hope you understand.

sincerely to us

-The Thing-

I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

All this time, i felt sudden lost. I tremble along with my fears, and become paranoid. Scared the living shit out of my own life. I try to wake up in the midst of the night just to hear the house breathing, snoring noises, sounds from the refrigerator and the chimes of the wind. When all is dead, I felt alive. I wanted to be alive.

The silence of the night never fails to treat me nicely, soothing and tranquils me with it's words. I always stares at the window, blank for a few hours. Sometimes I think, sometimes I just stare pointlessly. How long has it been? I felt like being trapped in a cave, or a prison. And finally being released for a while and stared asking around " What day is it?, What year is it? Where am I?

I pushed up my cellphone through the contact list. I feel like I need someone to talk to. There are a few people which I could conduct my feelings to. Expression is something that I rarely do. That is why i get poisoned most of the times. I have no companion, that night I felt I was alone.

Along the contact list it is hard enough to find a single person who will help me endure this feeling. I did not find a companion. I need someone special to hear my mind. I can't say words to my family, I did not want to falter their heart. I forgot my dear diary, the enigma. Though words I wrote, here I realize that I was alone all this time.

I used to write poems, I used to love the things I do. But as I grow up, i succumb to time and force me to do what I don't love. And things we love can fade.

I watched Talentime by Yasmin Ahmad, yes just watched a 2009 film. Actually I have the film a long time ago but didn't have the inspiration to watch it and somehow the film actually made me drop tears. Spoiler alert.

The final scene which a boy reminiscence the plight with his mother just kills me. Her mother just passed away in a hospital and he hug her tightly on her deathbed. I feel him as I attempt to imagine myself in his shoes. But the time will come and I've always ready but never prepared.

Day by day passed and I haven't got that flick of a light, this life is still clouded with black skies and my lantern is about to fade.

I found something new about myself which now I am sure of. I like reading or watching or knowing other people's life. Biographies. That is why I enjoyed watching films like big fish, curious case of benjamin button and so on. But at the same time makes me think about my own life.

Most of the movies were just flashbacks of their previous lives. At the stage of dying, they told their own life to their children or someone special. The places they have been, the people they have met, the wonders that they have done.

When I get old, I wanted to tell stories like they did, how I fear of getting old, how I love fairytales. The many faces that I have met, the beautiful places that I have been. But the matter is that it wasn't as memorable as it have been. I mean it could have been better.

I was quite jealous of people who can just quit something and start something new. Like a person who dislike his job and quickly changes to the job he likes. Experiencing new things, but it is just me, I am afraid of changes. I am a coward at these things.

I imagine when we were older,gray hair, wrinkled faces, sitting by the stool, talk about kids nowadays and dreaming about the past.

And we wished that we were younger...

At times I wonder what is the purpose of this and that. Why does it happen and why am I am always involved in the problems that my social circle make. There were times I felt really angry, and some moment I felt disgust with what is all that happening around me. A few moments I endure pain which is uncertain, not to the heart but to the head. It is like gears and bolts in my brain never put to rest, always go back and forth on the same ordeal. Thus it leads the body is such distress, strain and unsettling nerves. I am thinking about what I am thinking.

" Forcing laughters faking smiles, same old tired lonely place, walls of insincerity. "

-taylor swift-

There were phases where I felt the world was not in order, where the system does not cope and when the laws were breakable. Maybe it is just that this city is corrupted, and I am living in a corrupted system, enforced by corrupted laws, and forcing me to corrupt.

But there are also phases where It felt calm, secure and at peace.

Maybe this is just a test to see where I can put my head in order. Organizing my life back, and restore the peace within. Maybe I've just got to smile more.'

Greenday taught me that government's gonna fail someday.
Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I love
Adam Lambert taught me to be myself and not to be ashame.
Katy Perry taught me that we must always move on
Eminem taught me that life is hard but you can make it through
Taylor Swift taught me not every relationship is painless.
Michael Jackson taught me to always love the people around me
Music taught me to live.

It is funny, with just one click, I can see my dreams shatter like glass dropped from the fifth floor. The cracking sound it makes, it is the taunt of reality. Much more painful to see familiar faces of disappointment, broken hearts and broken promises that I made.

It is even funnier when close friends say, try again next time. For sure we can try again, but I already lost the only chance I have to accomplish my long ambition. It is not like video games that we played, we can start again at the checkpoint, this is reality, you have to move on whatever the situation is.

The door is closed now. But I do know, that when a door is closed, another opens.

I can always put up words to make me feel better, but it is false and faux. Artificial sentences just to cool this head down.

A sense of remorse and regret is filling the empty spaces. I do wish for a time-machine that would take me back. Perhaps a little change would change the course entirely. I am so close.

And maybe one day, it will come by itself. But for now, it really do tore a scar.