Life. I remember we are full of it when we are young, and naive. A few days back was my birthday, and I am almost at the end of my studies. My first part of university life will end by this last few weeks, how long has it been since then. It saddens me that we have to depart, we have to say farewell. And probably will not be remembered in the future, or talked about or even noticed. The drama's is about to end, so many things happen, if counted, if to be looked at. I want a future to be beautiful like the polaroid, I want to be remembered, but I am a pessimist, I've lost my optimistic self on a certain event of life which I am still unsure of, full of doubts. Where to put the blame. Those frowns were ever to be turned into a smile, of how I wanted to portray something so vague into something with a definition. I am a puzzle unsolved, and can't be solved.

Today marks the date 16th April 2012. I diagnosed myself with Premature Balding. Which simply means I will be getting bald soon. Although a bit faint at heart, but this is considered normal. Another diagnosis is that I have a disease called Bipolar Disorder.

Not a disease, more of a mental illness. That single sentence just truly explain every single old post about me being emotional.

Anyone who follows my post surely remember me being roller coaster. First the world went crashing down. Everything went gray. Hence the gray city. The rain. Black Clouds. All those ramblings of me being all sad. There are friends who notice this and came to help. Even my daily excitement of fun things to do does not work out. Hence the dark poems, and lost in sentence.

Then out of all the sudden, I was back in my feet and nothing can stop me. The funny thing is I even wrote, " Why is everyone so sad, thank god I am happy everyday. " Something like that.

I was happy for a time then it came crashing down again. What people simply called moodswings.

But its not. It is a mental illness. Which most of us does not realize.

Today I found out something more remarkable yet sad. I was currently in my state of depression. So I try to feed this soul and change the brain's deception, so I browse through a friend I met long ago, not close but I've known and he is known well. A fellow cosplayer I met at a comic convention. I just want to glimpse his profile on facebook hoping to find pictures of his exciting life, in a sense that it would inspire me. But Instead I found all his friends were spamming pictures, quotes and get well soon notes. Not any ordinary posts, a long list of friends who cares for this person makes me quite envious but no, I am more to pity than envious.

His friends were uploading pictures of old times. Most of them said, " Remember the times..., " I hope you remember me..., " Please come back...., " I've known you since..., " You still owe me... " :'(..

I read a few post and clearly thought that this is not normal. I believe this person was having a mental illness. Amnesia. To be cleared from an accident. Just like the movie The Vow. I read through his page, outdated with friends trying to help him regain his memory. A note of concern and tears shed through the posts. His brother also post and said something similar like. " One day he will remember, and we can be like always. "

I was already worried about my life then I came to realize. What if that same thing happened to me, or my friends. Were the photos and memories I've taken all this years are enough?

I've decided to always documented my life and all around me, which includes keeping this blog, diaries. For future sake.

P.S Lately I have this fear of nothingness. The void. The possibilites of zero, empty. I don't know, i just afraid of one day. There will be nothing. Kind of like death, which I am also currently fearing.

Perfect Melancholy

Perfect Melancholy appears to be thinking deeply. He is quiet, undemanding, and likes to be alone. They are introvert, deep, quiet, and thoughtful. They are serious people who set along-range goals and want to do only what has eternal purpose. They are musicians, artists, and writers because. They are born with genius potential that, properly motivated and cultivated, will produce giants. They appreciate gifted person, admire geniuses, and admit an occasional tear of emotion. Their minds think in such an orderly fashion that they see figures. They are well dressed and meticulously groomed. Perfect Melancholy motto in life is if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Problems in Perfect Melancholy;

Perfect Melancholy is always been able to prove to himself that he is right and the world is wrong. He knows he could be happy if others would be like him. Perfect Melancholy is easily depressed. They must realize no one likes gloomy people; they must not look for trouble, don’t get hurt so easily, look for positives, and read blow away the black clouds. Perfect Melancholy has low self-images. They must search out the source of your insecurities; listen for evidence of false humility. Perfect Melancholy procrastinates. They must get the right things before starting, don’t spend so much time planning. Perfect Melancholy put unrealistic demands on others. Must relax your standards; be grateful you understand your temperament.

I am the perfect melancholy as they say, not the Popular Sanguine or powerful choleric neither a peaceful phlegmatic.

The traits that I am.

It is the start of a new year for the roman calendar. The predictions of doomsday, planet x, comet, ice age and solar storm warning. Though the 2012 rumors were not entirely to be believable but I do believe that the earth is sick and only time will tell.

So far this year has it's up and downs. The ugly and what not to the sweetest of moments. All in but in the process of learning life. Met new friends, made new enemy's. Savor the experience thoroughly to the very last bite.

Things I learn this year

1- What goes around always comes back around. You do nice things you get nice stuff. You do bad things, then bad things will happen to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but you will get payed for the things you have done.

2- Get closer to god, because the almighty is the creator. The omnipotent that creates your fate. So pray more.

3- Silence is golden. Be careful of what you want to say. Because words are like knife. You can do it for justice or just the other way around.

4- People are not people. Most of the person you know is not themselves. Cloaked in black cape, and wears mask all the time. You can trust, but you must keep the boundaries.

5- Do not tell lies. Don't even start on lying. Because little lies can become a huge monster that will kill you eventually.

6- SoulSeeker. There were times where we felt like everything is crashing down. Everything feels wrong. Your hope is lost. But do not falter, keep having faith. In life we'll fall often but we need to get back up. Always look forward, don't look back. And good things do happen so it is not stupid to hope for them.

So I'll cut it short to what things I wanted to achieve this year.

1- Graduate with joyful bliss.

2- Find a life partner.

3- Do lots of travelling.

4- Finish up my comic.

5- Try not to procastinate

7- Keep my distance close to god and my religion.

8- Become someone I can be proud of.

9- Healthier lifestyle.

10- Open up more

11- Stay closer to the ones I dear.

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

-Benjamin Button-

I've looked up images of my favorite artist, ranging from voice actors to singers. The same thought interrupts the tranquility of the mind. "What if" but more like " Wouldn't be nice".

" Wouldn't it be nice if I'm with her. "

The countless days of grasses that I have missed. The blooming flowers that I have turn down upon. The chances that came and I let it go by.The doors that are open, I close it back. I wonder would I ever change.

The days I've spent was more exhausting, but I've done nothing at all. Every morning I woke up in the sense of hopeless. I didn't have that motivation to be awake. I wanted to finish my work but I didn't feel like it. I've played games and hangout with mates and it still feels the same. I felt like doing nothing, nothing at all. It is not a lazy song but more worthy to an empty song.I feel empty. Perhaps these emptiness I felt was

loneliness.

The design of fate itself truly remarkable and surprising. The moment I was thinking the same thing and out of the blue being told the same thing. But I have evaluate the terms and conditions how two souls met and last. I was a coward at things like this. That is the truth, and I am a coward from confronting the truth, I was a coward at everything.

The moment I sat silence, it is the moment where I am thinking, and I have think far. Too far that I giggle at the situation. It was very awkward. You can say that I was in deep dilemma, something I lost once, came back all of a sudden. It is quite shocking. Same time expected and at the same time unexpected.

I was confuse between guilt and pride. Between hope and desperation. It is like you want to have but at the same time you don't. I was petrified upon pity and trembled upon fear. Should or should not, it was quite a choice to pick when it comes to something big as finding a life partner. Sometimes I wish it was never happened and sometimes I wish it happened earlier. A choice to choose, to continue or discontinue. My thoughts drowned me.

I've come to know her as my friend, and accepted the way as it is though I do have a major crush on her since the early age. But I thought she was not into me and I get over it as soon as I can. I've decided to move on and take where fate takes me. I've move along.

"Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time"

-Taylor Swift-

I was afraid of those words from Taylor Swift, being in that situation scares me. I just never realize that, how stubborn. My feelings are biased, my thoughts are a prejudice.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

-Adele-

Honestly I do like it just the way it is, just be friends. I don't want to lose you dear not by heartbreaks. I just wanted it to be the way it was before. I hope you understand, it is a very hard choice, and this choice I chose with my hearts content. And I will not regret this choice as you would do. You are very brave but I believe that I am not the person for you and you are not the person for me. I can't make you happy and so do you. I sincerely hope you'll find someone better than me, someone who can truly make you happy. It was truly enchanting to meet you, it really is. It was a decision I had to make, I hope you understand.

sincerely to us

-The Thing-

I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

All this time, i felt sudden lost. I tremble along with my fears, and become paranoid. Scared the living shit out of my own life. I try to wake up in the midst of the night just to hear the house breathing, snoring noises, sounds from the refrigerator and the chimes of the wind. When all is dead, I felt alive. I wanted to be alive.

The silence of the night never fails to treat me nicely, soothing and tranquils me with it's words. I always stares at the window, blank for a few hours. Sometimes I think, sometimes I just stare pointlessly. How long has it been? I felt like being trapped in a cave, or a prison. And finally being released for a while and stared asking around " What day is it?, What year is it? Where am I?

I pushed up my cellphone through the contact list. I feel like I need someone to talk to. There are a few people which I could conduct my feelings to. Expression is something that I rarely do. That is why i get poisoned most of the times. I have no companion, that night I felt I was alone.

Along the contact list it is hard enough to find a single person who will help me endure this feeling. I did not find a companion. I need someone special to hear my mind. I can't say words to my family, I did not want to falter their heart. I forgot my dear diary, the enigma. Though words I wrote, here I realize that I was alone all this time.

I used to write poems, I used to love the things I do. But as I grow up, i succumb to time and force me to do what I don't love. And things we love can fade.

I watched Talentime by Yasmin Ahmad, yes just watched a 2009 film. Actually I have the film a long time ago but didn't have the inspiration to watch it and somehow the film actually made me drop tears. Spoiler alert.

The final scene which a boy reminiscence the plight with his mother just kills me. Her mother just passed away in a hospital and he hug her tightly on her deathbed. I feel him as I attempt to imagine myself in his shoes. But the time will come and I've always ready but never prepared.

Day by day passed and I haven't got that flick of a light, this life is still clouded with black skies and my lantern is about to fade.