I was lying in bed just now, pondering about something. But on second thought I'd best write my concerns and curiosities.

I wonder where this road takes me, how many bumps were there, and how many turns shall I take, or even I get the nerve to turn back. Or is it that I am thinking too much and better off to let it go with the flow. I've been thinking whether all this time I made the right choice, or better said, the other choice were better.

In life we often face these miraculous things, and which lead us to various scenarios. Perhaps good and perhaps bad. Ever heard the phrase " Being at the wrong place at the wrong time."

Because what happens next are determined on what we have chosen. The risk here is that we will never know if we make the right choices or the wrong ones. Even perhaps, all choices we picked was the right one, it's just that we make mistakes along the way and turn the right choice into a wrong choice.

I've been scavenging old stuffs in my drawers, all dusty books. And I found one fairly interesting writings. It wrote there, " The Bucket List".

a list of doings before... you know, kicking the bucket. Only a quarter I have accomplished so far. Sometimes I get lost with the things that I adore doing and the things I'm forced to do.

It is reasonably good to write down diaries and old photographs so that one day it will become a reminder if you're lost in your thoughts or just to ponder the plight of your triumph days.

I used to like taking pictures, I bring my camera everywhere, to catch the moments. Perhaps, it is time to start all over again?

What you said always linger in my thoughts.

" I wanted to be in outer space, because there is no room for me in this world."

you were right little astronaut.

When you were gone someplace else, far away from your home. And when you came back, everything looks the same, but you felt very awkward of your surrounding. Could it be, it is you the one who is changing?

Changes are unavoidable in this life, some are the good changes, and some the horrible ones. I've come to see that most people surrounding me have changed, some are getting there and some remains. Could it be that they have become more mature than before, or is it the cause that they are turning into a new leaf, to open a new book? We can no longer return to the way it was, the nostalgic moments we have, we should treasure this moment as well because soon we are no longer to see each other.

In the near future they all will become very busy with their career and their families, moving to the other part of the country. By then we can only shed tears on the times that we had on fragments of photographs. Reminiscing the moments and tell our tales to our children. Then we aged through, our hair soon to become gray, our skin scrapped and wrinkled all over. By that time we will feel really lonely and we would gave any price to be young and start all over again.

But that will never happen... and finally we will be kicking the bucket, and that it is. Life is like a brief candle. Have you watched ' The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?' well that kind of a story have meaningful lessons about life and death itself.

This semester break is the only time I had to take a breather, to become myself. To see the plight of our lives, to get enough soul food to carry on to the next phase. In the outside world is really a harsh world, I've faced different people with each different personalities and in order to cope with these people is for me to create another me. A doppelganger, a darker counterpart of my own. I am not myself when I'm there. I have to become someone else, that is why sometimes I felt dragged, and unhappy.

Am I a hypocrite? No... it is just a way of adapting.

Honestly, I didn't miss that phase at all. It is like pitstop, more like a place to stop by and then leave when you finished. It is like poison, the name itself was nothing more to bring harm.

I realize that life is little there, perhaps none at all. But it is topsy turvy most of the time. Nothing was in order, everything was in the wrong place. It's like a train waiting to crash. It is full of strangers and pretenders. Everybody is hungry for people and they all have knives in their hand, ready to stab on each others backs. But it is a phase of learning, learn about people, learning the 'pre-reality' before stepping into the real reality. It gets worst.

Sometimes I am envious of people who actually live in the present. And they got by swiftly without scars or bruises. Evenly this will shape me into a more mature person which I was not in favor. I want to relive moments like a child in the cradle, they don't have to face all this. Always protected from the harms of reality.

Around these times happiness, is quite a rare visitor to pass by. At least come once in a while and say hello.

We can't simply point our fingers saying that life is cruel, well life has given us so much and only a few small unkindness and humans started to blame life for it, saying that life is unfair, life is cruel and such. Who's the cruel ones now? But we can't deny it do we? At times we feel down, emotionally disturbed. The problems that evolves around us. The future that is daunting, and the uncertainties that we felt. We might go out and enjoy ourselves, at the same time on the other side of the world there is a person who's had it with life and ready to commit suicide.

A dear friend of mine just lost three 'characters' that she hold dear and to top it off that her best friend just admitted to a hospital for dengue fever and her assignments was rejected dearly. She can't even lift a smile these days.

To top it off with dozens of unfinished works. Plus we are getting near to the final exams. Sad but enough about my friend... she can make it.

University life have been very dull, same routine repeated each day. I am not very confident whether I can get into the dean list again, and i do not know where my path leads me.

I wanted to study abroad. I want to leave this country and roam the map. It is not that I didn't love my country, it is just that there is nothing for me to see here, I want to go outside my boundary, experience things outside the box. Have you ever felt like you are getting tired doing the same thing, and it is always stood for whatever reasons you have, it's like exhaustion and you need a breather, a break.

Everyone is working hard, some are still in the same phase. The semester is about to end and I've met so many new faces this semester I've met actors and actresses, I've met celebrity hosts, I've met troublesome people, I've made new enemies, I've made new friends. So far 2011 have not been kind but 2011 is more to a teacher, she teaches us the hardships of life. Well most of it. But it is okay, I will anticipate whatever that comes.

p.s: How about a reunion, it has been a long time since I ponder upon your familiar faces.

So far 2011 have not been very kind to me, the usual ups and downs of the roller coaster.

" You can be mad as a mad dog with the way things went, you can curse to fates. But at the end of the day, you have to let go."
-Benjamin Button-

It has been a long time since the last updates, but I am back on my feet now. I've met different kinds of people in my life, If I given a chance to make a movie, I would make one about my life. When I looked back, I have experienced so much, I have met so many people and I didn't not step a foot outside my country.

I have always been envious of my Art History Lecture, he always tell us stories about the places he go, the experience he had, and the life he lived. An old man, but still strong on both feet. I always wished I could go to places like him, seeing new things and when we get back, we can tell these stories to our children, and our grandchildren and so on.

I received my first Dean certificate, not a thing to be proud of but the sensation of relief. I pray that I could maintain my position this semester.

We also did a theatre for the ceremony, and it was a huge success.. I mean really huge! Even a news at the branch university, and to top it of the Vice Chansellor himself wants us perform in front of him at his ceremony along with the V.I.P's. But I am not the one who is performing as I am in the production part, though I have to be the emcee.
Though I dislike the fact that the new system will be applied where degree will be separated... it's gonna be very lonely and quiet.

I've thought a lesson that life can hit us really hard... but it is not about how hard we get hit, it is about how hard we can get hit and keep moving forward.

Have you ever suddenly looked at the sky and say.

" God please help me..."

I've heard the story of an atheist who said that. Imagine someone who doesn't believe in god said something like that. Come to think that I also in need of 'the help'.

Past few weeks have been 'rough', 'tormenting' and it drove me demented. Almost. Living in a corrupted city, with corrupted people, and their corrupted behavior with their corrupted schemes. Life has never been sunshine and rainbows. It doesn't rain, it pours.

Like a saying, " money is the root of all evil ". I have to agree more after what I have been through. Money can drove people insane. Money can burn a building down, split a family in two and put people on streets.

Financial problems have never failed to fail people. I was petrified with the situation I am now, that I don't know what to do. Off course I can spend my days thinking of the sorrowful future but nevertheless I was in the depth of my own. Sometimes you just wished money would grow on trees. I have to face the problem on my own. But after vain attempts what can you do other than looking up to the sky, praying...

" God save me... "

I can only hope for the best in the future. Thinking and thinking just gave me headaches. What might there are other people who faces similar horrid scenarios like these. It is pure evil.